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    • #135401
      Kitkat44
      Participant

      Hello all, some of you may remember I almost left about (detail removed by moderator) ago.
      Since then he is doing the love bombing (although it’s nowhere near as romantic as I thought it might be!! Bought me a couple of gifts and took me out for a meal-no sign of his counselling starting though hmmmm🤔)
      Anyway one of his “let’s talk about things” I’m making improvement sessions, he mentioned how he realised he had coerced me and basically behaved terribly when it came to sex. Again this took me by surprise, it was/is another element I had felt was abusive but as often us the case I doubted myself and often believed it was my problem to not want it as much. So I ignored that part and we haven’t been intimate for (detail removed by moderator) so I thought we’ll he’s not coercing me now perhaps it wasn’t really a thing.
      It’s taken a couple of weeks to sink in and I am feeling so low in the realisation of what he has done and that he knows he did and offered a measly attempt at an apology for it , it’s stolen a lot of my courage and boldness about leaving. I feel so sure and yet can’t make moves to action it. Perhaps it’s a survival response? I do feel frozen.
      I just need to get this out, thank you for being there. My goodness this forum is a life line.
      Sending you all love xx

    • #135408
      Grey Rock
      Participant

      I think he probably realised you’re onto him anyway so decided to act Mr Honest as a fall back.

      The longer we give these people our ears, the more they’ll poop into them and mess with our heads. That’s why no contact is our strongest defense strategy.

      GR

    • #135410
      maddog
      Participant

      I totally get that feeling of really not wanting to do sex with someone who has been raping and sexually assaulting you. In the abusive relationship, we normalise so much awful behaviour and use it as a stick to beat ourselves.

      Well done for escaping. He’s trying to hoover you back into his life. If possible, the best thing you can do is go NO Contact. No Contact may seem like a strange idea. As you journey on and continue your recovery, it will make more and more sense.

      He will lie through his teeth to you. Any contact with an abuser will lead you to harm. If he contacts you, don’t respond. If he carries on, it’s harassment.

      You may find Rape Crisis supportive. So many of us believe in Rape Myths and when we’re in a relationship it’s easy to shove those rapes and sexual assaults under the carpet. It’s hard to believe that someone we love would behave like that.

      Now that you’ve rumbled him, it’s so important to keep away. The Freedom Programme is brilliant for understanding the different types of abuse and different types of abuser. For some reason we’re not allowed to use the word [email protected] here. There’s loads of stuff on youtube about the subject. Dr Ramini is a good place to start.

      The chances of this man changing his behaviour is remote. The jury’s out on whether abuser programmes actually work or whether they just make participants more effective at abusing.

    • #135491
      Kitkat44
      Participant

      Thank you both, i haven’t left but was very close. So yes he definitely is in hoovering and lovebombing mode.
      I always thought acknowledgement from him would be beneficial but it’s knocked me sideways, maybe because it’s brought the awful emotions around our intimacy up to the surface and it wasn’t something I felt ready or chose to explore. Anyway today after feeling so knocked back I had a realisation a huge Aha moment that this proves I can trust my intuition.
      I have struggled with intimacy and sex with him for years and years and I blamed myself but now I know I was right and it’s given me strength today. It’s so so hard to be around him because I feel violated all over again and keep looking at him thinking -you did that to me,and you know it-but I can feel sure that I was right yet again.
      I am creating a new plan to leave.
      Xx

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