Adult kids can’t see he won’t change

[Lizardlady]

Hi, I just need some opinions and don’t really have anyone to talk to. I’ve finally called the police on him (detail removed by Moderator).
He’s staying with my daughters.
He’s on bail so can’t contact me.
I’m feeling pressured to hear him out after this bail is up because they feel sorry for him and seem to think he’s recognised his problems this time.
I am scared of being on my own and I do still love him. My son and myself are alone here and I don’t know what to do.
I feel he will turn my daughter’s against me and if I’m honest I want so much to give him that chance but deep inside I know he can’t change.
Also I’m feeling like I’m exaggerating his behaviour as abuse. He’s a loving dad and husband when things are good, his behaviour is situational in that it’s only when we argue or someone disagrees with something or catches him lying etc.
Basically I feel he’s a covert n********t but he doesn’t call me names or insult me and he doesn’t hit me but he does everything else.
Just need to talk really.
Thank you

[Lisa]

Hi Lizardlady,

Thank you for your post, it’s good that you’ve reached out for others’ experiences and input. I would like to encourage you to trust yourself; you called the police for a reason and he has bail conditions for a reason. It’s extremely hard for you if your adult children are not recognising or are minimising the abuse, although it’s not uncommon; it may be that they are scared to voice it, or are being manipulated by him. Their lack of acknowledgement is likely adding to your doubting yourself, but please try not to- abuse is abuse. It does not have to be physical for it be serious; subtle emotional abuse over time can be devastating.

You mention that he is not abusive all the time, but this is almost always the case, it is always a cycle. It’s also natural to search for reasons and to believe that abuse is caused by a mental health condition, but these do not cause abuse. If the abuse were caused by mental illness, a perpetrator would also be abusive to family, friends and co-workers. Sadly, abuse is a choice someone makes to have power and control over another person.

You really deserve some more support through this. Please consider using our Live Chat service, or contacting your local domestic abuse service, both of whom should be able to help validate what you’re going through and provide support whilst you work out your next steps.

Look after yourself,

Lisa

[Eggshells]

This is really difficult. Unfortunately, I’m going through this with my adult son. The bottom line is that it took me decades and an awful lot of reading to accept that my ex wouldn’t change. I feel it would be unreasonable of me to expect my son to accept it any sooner – this is his Dad after all.

What my son does understand is that any change is now too late. The damage is done and I am broken. My ex could turn into a genuine Saint but it won’t change the past and mariculously fix the damage done to my mental health. The trust is gone and no matter how genuine my ex might become, I won’t be able to trust that he will stay “changed”. I need time without a relationship now so that I can try to heal from the psychological damage done.

Your daughters are adults and free to choose how they relate to their father. You are also an adult and deserve the same courtesy of being allowed to choose relate to their father or not relate to him at all. If your ex really has changed and understood what he has done then he will understand that and accept it.

Would you feel able to explain this to your daughters?

I posted a few weeks ago because my oldest son is being drawn back in to the cycle by his father. He is becoming more and more distant from me and there is nothing I can do. All I can do is be there for him if and when he needs me or he recognises what is happening. Its really difficult but we have to allow them the space to work it out for themselves. We do know that the abuser can’t stay nice forever and they will eventually prove to our children that they just can’t change.

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