Adult son

[Missbutterfly]

Hi everyone,

I left my ex over (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, won back my house and tried to move on with my life but in the process have become estranged from my adult son. I have had to take out a non-molestation order again my adult son because of many threats against my life and that of my current partner. I have another child with my current partner and my adult son has told me to drown my child and all sorts. Most recently he was arrested and charged with various offences including carrying a knife. My ex (my adult child’s dad) is there I am sure winding up my adult son and egging him on making me out to be a terrible mother etc.

The thing is I feel like I have failed my adult son and that because I stayed with his dad for so long I must be the bad one. Why otherwise would he hate me so much?

It is eating me up inside. Before I left his dad I ended up in refuge but couldn’t take him and his older brother as the refuge would not allow boys over the age of 12. So I abandoned him didn’t I. I lasted (detail removed by Moderator) weeks in refuge and came back as my ex promised the world and I couldn’t bear being away from my kids.

Can’t stop overthinking things and feeling like I have failed. It is affecting my current relationship and making me feel like my young child deserves better than a mummy like me.

I am so embarrassed that I have endured abuse from my own child. His partner said in a message (detail removed by Moderator) years ago that a mum should always be there for their children to love and protect them. I didn’t and wasn’t tho was I.

Sorry about the long post but feel so alone at the moment and don’t know how to stop feeling this way.

X

[KIP.]

Hi, I’m estranged too from my adult son and initially had threats, directed by his father. You have my utter sympathy, it’s a pain that no mother should endure but you are not to blame for any of this and if you carry the guilt then your abusers doesn’t have to. If I read it right your sons partner is commenting in your parenting when she obviously has no idea of the horrors of abuse. Whatever happened to your child, now an adult he has absolutely no right to threaten and abuse you. He learned that from his father and only he can change that behaviour. Being there to love and protect them isn’t always an option. Sometimes we need to leave for our own sanity and so that the abuse in front of our children stops. The picture of the air hostess saying to get your own oxygen mask on before you can help others is how I feel about abuse and mental health. You need to be in a good place first and that’s your goal now. Have you had some good counselling? I set firm boundaries with my son and I won’t tolerate abuse so he doesn’t come into my life. That’s his choice. I have told him I’m here if he needs me but I will not ever be abused again. I’ve made my peace with that. Sometimes our children will side with the abuser because it feel safe for them to do that. Probably in a way we did for years, appeasement to stop the abuse being aimed at us. I’m wondering if there is a relative who can intervene on your behalf with your son and try to get to the bottom of his anger. Someone neutral, perhaps a cousin? In the meantime you need to save your energy for yourself and your child. My Women’s Aid worker told me to be prepared to add my son to the restraining order his dad already had. What a nightmare. None of this is our making so be very kind to yourself. I stayed for the sake of my son. That was the only option I could see at the time. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but trauma closes the rational part of the brain and we run in survivor mode x you’re not alone here x

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