Advice

[Anonymous]

With regards to discussing things with professionals when is it taken out of your own control?

I am not living with my partner. The events that I felt able to tell health professionals about were considered serious and if I were to return my health would be at risk and I’m told I would likely never recover or worse. So I have tried my best and taken their advice and not returned.

In particular he had a great deal of psychological control over me and still does to some extent, albeit from a distance.

I try to withstand his calls and general pressure to return home from my children. My children minimise his actions but when I check with health professionals they say no, the things he has done have crossed a line and it’s not normal and I’m not deluded.

At the moment I am looking at financial ruin as I just want to let him have it all in terms of the house as I fear what he would do to me in the long term if he has to sell the house. I think my wider family think I am vulnerable as I’m disabled and fear once has has given up on me he will move on to my daughter.

I DONT want anything formal to happen as I know I’m too ill and just couldn’t deal with the process. No one can protect me from him in the long term. No one. So I want no action. That is my wish.

If it’s just financial control and me having to avoid his calls or him shouting at me if I question financial arrangements etc is this enough for health professionals to act without my consent. At times I need to talk about what has happened and is happening to get another perspective and stay clear that what he has done /is doing is wrong but increasingly I’m finding this difficult as they ask me if I will or am hurting myself (I have had dark thoughts feeling I have no way out) and saying that if they think I’m in any danger or anyone else is they will act. They say at a certain point they would have to hand it over and I wouldn’t have to do anything. What is that certain point?

Is it physical abuse? Actual contact?

I’m withdrawing and not talking about exactly what he says as I don’t want to take the risk they will take over. At the same time I need advice.

Can anyone clarify what it means to say they take over and I dont get a say? I am worrying uncontrollably that my wishes won’t be followed and if I lose my children because they don’t want anyone to know about our situation I will lose them

[Lisa]

Hi Controlled,

I’m sorry to hear how much you continue to be affected by your ex-partner’s abuse. Anyone’s ‘knee jerk’ reaction to this will be to encourage you to get the all the support from services as you can. You also have a right to express you need to retain autonomy on what happens in your situation and act on this.
Knowing exactly what that ‘threshold’ for services to get involved in such a way may be difficult for one to define as it may involve many combined factors. Ultimately there needs to be a real threat of harm and risk to one’s life in an immediate sense – especially when children are involved. Please don’t deny yourself any help you may be open to at this point. Your local domestic abuse service are there to support women in deciding what they want to do; they are not there to judge or make you do anything you don’t feel comfortable with. So perhaps it may be worth – if ever you feel able – getting in touch with them to discuss any needs you have.
You may find it helpful to talk to Supportline, who offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200 or visit their website at http://www.supportline.org.uk.
Also, I just want to include The Financial Support Line for Victims of Domestic Abuse. It is a service specialising in the financial side of domestic abuse. Anyone who has this can call for one-off advice regarding debts, benefits and budgeting from the Financial Support Line, or self-refer for ongoing casework on 0808 196 8845 (Mon-Thurs 9am- 5pm): https://www.moneyadviceplus.org.uk/fsl/
I don’t want to overwhelm you with information, but I thought it best you have it. It’s important you move forward the way you feel is best right now.
Please do keep posting to let us know how you are. You are not alone here.

Lisa

[Grey Rock]

Hiya. Women’s Aid and / or signing up to the Freedom Program would be a good way of getting support (talking to people who understand what you’re going through) and they will respect your wishes as far as if / when to contact authorities.

GR x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi there,

This sounds so tough for you, when you need peace and rest to recover.

You need people on your side advocating for you, as you are doing nothing wrong. All agencies, as far as I know, do have that duty to protect either yourself or others that may suffer harm based on something you share with them.

It blows my mind continually, that women tell about the harms that their children are directly in teh line of fire from the perpetrator, and yet, nothing is being done, like in your case, where the children live with a man who has caused you massive direct damage through his actions, and yet they don’t remove the children that are also in direct risk from him.

Maybe they feel reliant upon him, and trapped, financially, or emotionally guilted, which is just as trapping as any prison bars!

I will keep trying to think of ways and types of help you can access, and that financial advise line sounds like it could be just what you need? At least to discuss what your options may be, and you shouldn’t have to hand over all your details, just asking anonymously initially until you are happy they can and will help.
I hope they are a good resource for you.

warmest wishes

ts

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