Advice: Access to Children

[Newst@rt]

Hi everyone,

I’ve found this forum so helpful and supportive since I left my abuser. I haven’t been here for a few months as I’d been getting on with life and generally feeling very positive. I left the abusive relationship over a year ago and moved back home to the UK from overseas with my children. We’d cut off all contact with him after he continued to manipulate and abuse us after we left, and as recommended to by a DA charity we’re getting support from. My (his) children haven’t spoken to him in over a year, and I don’t even think my youngest would know who he is at this point. However, I’ve just received a letter from his solicitor requesting contact with the children, at the moment this is just regular video calls with him plus direct contact with a paternal relative (he is from the UK but lives overseas). I felt we were finally moving on and putting everything that had happened behind us, and my children are happy, confident and thriving, and I think I am in shock. The DA charity referred me to a solicitor who is recommending I allow supervised contact, if I refuse and he takes me to court it is likely the court will order contact and I would have to enforce this. I’m in shock and devastated at the thought of having him in our lives again. I’ve managed to rebuild my life and gained confidence in so many ways, and feel sick at the thought of him learning about our new life through my children. Right now, he doesn’t know where we live or the school my children go to, and I know it isn’t fair to ask my children not to tell him these things. I know in my core he will manipulate, attempt to control, bribe and buy expensive gifts. He will try to undo everything I’ve done since we left to build their confidence and resilience, he will guilt trip them and make them feel sorry for him, and try to turn them against me. I know at the moment he is only asking for video calls (I’m sure this is tactical on his part) but can now see weekends away, sharing the school holidays and taking turns at Christmas time. The irony is that he wasn’t interested in them when we were together, I changed every nappy, did bath and bedtimes, read stories, did the school run, he literally didn’t do anything, and on rare family days out or trips away he would be distant, moody and snappy – I literally remember him walking ahead of us while I had a baby carrier, held hands with my eldest and carried the changing bag, trying to keep up. I’m planning to listen in to every conversation, make sure he doesn’t see/hear or have any contact whatsoever with me, but any tips on how I can handle this would be so appreciated. He has no morals or ethics and is materialistic and has a sense of superiority. I’m terrified of this rubbing off on the children. I feel I’ll have to work twice as hard just to keep them emotionally balanced and happy. I’m terrified at the thought of losing control. I know it isn’t rational, but I feel that they’re mine, not his. When I first received the letter I thought I’d fight with everything I have to keep them away from him, but from what I understand if he takes it through the courts he will be granted access unless there’s a risk to the children of serious harm. I felt so lucky that we were able to get on with our lives away from him, and had hoped he was going to leave us alone. I’m not a young mum (trying not to give away too much personal information) and I left with nothing, I had to file for bankruptcy due to financial abuse, and was investigated by the police due to his business dealings, but throughout it all I didn’t care because I had my children. Anyway, I’m rambling but my head is all over the place. I am very grateful to now have supportive friends and family around me, this is very new after my abuser isolated me for almost two decades. Thank you for listening.

[Anonymous]

Hi Needst@rt, this is the hardest part when leaving your abuser, I think. Like your abuser, mine too did nothing for the kids. I did it all alone as a single parent. I’m not quite at the stage where you’re at yet of him requesting contacy because I’ve very recently left. Unlike you I will be willing him to go through the courts as he has serious addictions and he has a violent past on record that a court would need to really look at.

It’s an awful position for you to be in but I would say if you can avoid courts then try and do that, if you think it will be safe for your children. I know it’s not nice and I can’t imagine being in your position. The children will be used against you as another form of abuse. Maybe start with the video calls and see how that goes and if he has a family member that you would trust to supervise contact then maybe give it a try. But make it clear you will start little and often to work around the children.

I really hope for yours and your children’s sake that the novelty will wear off. I think L it’s very bad that abusers are allowed to legally continue abuse using their children. Hopefully in the future a new law will be put in place regarding this. I personally think that allowing children access to abusive fathers/mothers is more harmful than not having a second parent around. It’s all about breaking that cycle of abuse.
X

[Newst@rt]

Thank you Turtledove, and congratulations on managing to get out. I agree that contact with an abusive parent is more harmful than not having that parent around, and the DA charity I’m in touch with and my children’s health visitor would agree also. I’m finding it very hard to think he will be back in our lives again. I hope all goes well for you in the future regarding courts and contact, please reach out if you’d like to, if I can help in any way x

[diymum@1]

I have been through this too. Your right you have to safe guard your kids against his manipulation and you can. you could suggest a contact centre? for supervised contact. im not sure what the background is. if there is a buse towards you infron of the children in the past this is good enough reason for you to use a third party for communication and the contact centre for the access. he might just give up when he cant get to you thats what happened to us xx

[Author]

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