advice and support needed please

[hopeful]

Hi

I have only just registered on here. I just wondered if anyone could help me or any advice on how they got through the court process etc.

I have recently split with my boyfriend, it was a brief relationship but so intense at the start i really fell for him quickly, we spent a lot of time together. Looking back there were warning signs early on, he would tell me to come home early and get mad if i didnt. He would be moody at me when i was going out with my friends telling me i acted like a w***e when i was out. One time he turned up at a party and refused to speak to any of my friends and made me leave then argued with me all night. Whilst doing this he would go out with his friends and be unreliable when we had things planned but he would get mad if i was busy. One time he was high and grabbed me round the throat telling me that i should never ‘f**k with him’ and that he is ‘unf**kable’. I knew i should leave the relationship as he wasnt treating me right (he forgot my birthday, was unreliable) but when i kept trying to end it i would just see him the next day because i was so in love (still am) and loved being with him when he was in a good mood. He also was shouting at me calling me stupid once when i got lost when driving.

Anyway, i saw him on a (detail removed by Moderator), the next day i was going to a (detail removed by Moderator) with my friends and he was being so nice on the (detail removed by Moderator) i thought we were really going to try and felt confident i wanted to be with him. We had planned to all meet at mine after the (detail removed by Moderator) and party because it was (detail removed by Moderator). Anyway i lost my friend at the (detail removed by Moderator) and got a text saying that she was in an ambulance so obviously i was worried and tried to find her, when i was doing this i did not look at my phone and when i looked there were loads o text messages from him getting more angry because i was not replying (such as i am going to smash your teeth out of your face). Because of this when i got home after making sure my friend was ok (i was alone) i just went to sleep because i thought he would calm down the next day. Anyway i woke up and he wasnt calm, the abuse continued till (detail removed by Moderator) an i didnt take him seriously i never thought he would hurt me despite him telling me in detail what he was going to do.

So (detail removed by Moderator) comes and he came to my house, i stupidly let him in because i just wanted to calm him down and sort it out because he was convinced that i was with other guys after the (detail removed by Moderator) when i didnt text him back when in reality i just didnt want the drama (i was drunk and tired!). Anyway long story short, he was so mad he became very violent and kept me in the room for hours. He was doing really manipulative stuff, standing on my feet, smothered me, pulling my hair, hit me, filmed me, hitting my boobs/thighs, trying to smell my vagina to see if anyone else had been there etc. It was so so scary, I thought i was going to die honestly. He was telling me how long he was goig to keep me there. Luckily (thank god) my friend came to see me, she knocked on the door really loud and he thought it was the police. He let me go to the door and she finally got him to leave.

Anyway, i wonder if anyone can help. I never wanted to go to the police, i really love him. However because of my job etc my work pushed my hand and also i know it is the right thing to do to ensure he does not get away with it. He was arrested and has been charged with (detail removed by Moderator), he is due to be seen in (detail removed by Moderator). (detail removed by Moderator). Has anyone done this before? im so scared…also, its crazy because all i want to do is speak to him. Despite feeling so so angry, i want to speak to him and ask why. I cant get the image of him crying out of my head. i know that it has to be over, but does anyone have any tips on how i get through this? I feel so hopeless, I feel empty and scared. I also learnt that he has been in prison for a long period of time (other things not domestic vilence, (detail removed by Moderator) etc) so am scared as he is out on bail he will come and get me.

Sorry i just completely rambled, but any advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation would be helpful as i feel really alone and sad at the moment.

thanks

xx

[KIP.]

Hello there, I’ve been through the court process and am happy to personal message you to reassure you as much as I can. However this is a public forum and for our own safety we aren’t allowed to discuss court. Please google ‘trauma bonding’. Cycle of abuse. And it would be great if you rang the helpline on here or contacted your local women’s aid who can help you through this. All the feelings you describe are perfectly normal. Exactly what I felt. I can tell you I got through it. Am glad I held him to account for his behaviour because he would still be hurting me otherwise. Take all the help you are offered from agencies and listen to the professionals. These abusers are cowards. It’s ok to beat and abuse women but most are cowardly men who, once the authorities are involved they won’t mis behave. As they’re faced with jail. I would say if he tries in any way to contact you, please report immediately to the police x I worries so much whilst he was on bail. Woke up every day feeling anxious. Had that awful knot in my stomach. Lost lots of weigh. Meantime he was off enjoying himself elsewhere. Please try not to worry too much. You did the right thing x

[godschild]

Hi, not been thro the court process but just wanted to send a hug as im appaled by what he did x*x

[hopeful]

thank you, reading things on here is making me see that what he did isnt acceptable. i have found somewhere else to live which will help me i think…i just cant wait to feel over this xx

[godschild]

So good you have somewhere else to live, it will give you space to think,but we careful as they often step up the abuse when you leave x*x

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Hopeful, i was so sad to hear your story, it sounds awful and very scary as well as confusing for you. I agree with the other advice that you have had, he is abusive and it would pay you to break away. I know the feeling of love and how this really makes you confused, you will get so much help on this forum, you will begin to see your relationship in another light. Domestic abuse is so complex and deep, but you can break away, i have. We will all help you Hopeful. I am out nearly (detail removed by Moderator) months now and see my situation very differently than I did when we were together and during the time since our split. I am now calmer and thinking more rationally and logically. I think that the word love that you use this is really fear but dressed up as love. It was for me anyway. I thought i sincerely loved my ex during the time that we were together, all the way through up until 3 or 4 weeks ago. Since my healing and space I have been able to really think and question by thoughts and beliefs about it all. I asked myself just the last few days what I actually & honestly liked about him, i no longer had any rose tinted specs on. The list was about 4 or 5 things, 3 of those could have applied to anybody. I was manipluated and controlled which made me feel needy, he then displayed something called Intermittent Reinforcement which made the neediness and craving feel like love and desire, his unavailability was like a love magnet. It was deliberatly structured by him to create a need in me. There is an awful lot available for you to read, much of it instantly accessible and free to read on Amazon Kindle Unlimited. As you go through the stages of the abuse and breaking up, different reading material and websites will be needed at different times. When I first broke up these are the books that helped me the most: 1. Invisible Chains, Lisa Aronson Fontes 2. 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships, free to read on Amazon 3. All books by HG Tudor, again on Amazon (The Devils Toolkit speaks about rose tinted specs). You Tube do some smashing vidoes on n********m. I am now reading Why Does he Do that and N********t Free by Zari Ballard. The last book has same excellent explanations about ‘trauma bonding’ which is the confusing grief, love & emptiness feelings that you will feel when you break up. It explains in detail how the brain & mind is working and how the abuse has caused this. I am now free from my horrible ex, solely due to being a member of this forum and all of the reading that I do. Please do keep posting your progress. All the best, HA XXXXXXXXXXXXX

[Confused123]

hi hun

just sending u hug of support,u did the right thing reporting him to police, this is how they learn, dont get put ofby the tears, its just act to make u feel guilty, they all do this, hard bit is we care so much

[Confused123]

block himto stop yourself calling him or accepting his calls, u vwill experience trauma bonding where umiss them so much, call the helpline and get right support,, u had lucky escape

[Ayanna]

Hi, I am glad you told the police and he got arrested.
Your reaction is normal. We never expect a man to treat us like this.
By what you describe he is a very vile existence.

You were lucky that your friend came. Who knows what would have happened to you otherwise.
Keep this in mind. Your friend might have saved your life.
If you see the situation like this, does this make you feel less sorry for him and more concerned about yourself?

It will not help talking to him. He will not change. He will not admit to himself what he had done. He will probably deny that he harmed you.
Do not worry about him. A man like him has no ability to love. He is possessive and controlling, this has nothing to do with love. And he has no control over his emotions, which makes him very dangerous to your life.

If he is on bail and tries to contact you he is most likely breaking his bail conditions. You need to have your phone on you whenever you are out and call 999 quickly. Make sure you know who is at your door before you open it.

Are you in contact with victim support?

When you go to court you tell them what happened. You can choose to have a screen so that you do not need to see him. There are also volunteers who will show you round a few days before the hearing. You can have someone sitting with you in the victim’s room and going into the court room with you for support. You can also bring a friend.

Perpetrators and victims are separated at court and you can also choose to to use the victim entrance of the court so that you do not bump into him on the day.

Make sure you have zero contact. After a while you will feel better and see him as the monster that he is.

It is hard to end a relationship like this but it is the best for you. Always remember what else could have happened to you and that you deserve much better than this.

You will find love again.
Take your time to heal.
Speak to Women’s Aid which support you can get. Go to the Freedom Programme.

[hopeful]

I just cried reading the responses, thank you so so much for taking the time to respond to me. I think it has helped to hear from people who have been through similar things and can empathise with my situation and your kind words and encouragement were so good to hear, i feel a lot less more alone now.

You are right he has denied it all which really upset me, part of me thought he would be sorry for what he did and admit it. But from reading on here i see that his brain isnt wired that way. I just find it so hard to believe that these men can act this way, all i ever did was care for him , its so hard to get my head around but i will keep reading on here and the things you have suggested and i am sure that in time i will get more and more insight into the situation and how he is. One good thing is that the police still have my phone so i dont have any way of texting him/knowing if he has contacted me, i am pretty sure if he tried to contact me telling me how sorry he is I would have forgiven him. x*x

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Hopeful, all i ever did was let my ex into my home, my life and my heart. I was honest, open, kind & innocent. He had an agenda which was carefully disguised as love, either to rob me of thousands, get access to the ownership of my house, reduce me from a happy confident person to nothing and then to destroy me. Him and the friends that he recruited, and I gave them all so much. There are some very cruel and twisted people in this world. Do take care XXXXX

[Author]

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