Advice? Ex Relationship

[Pink-sprinkles]

Hey I’ve never really used a service like this but I’ve been having a hard time with confronting how I feel.
I was in a relationship with an older guy and in the beginning it felt so good and I was really happy. Then gradually I realised I felt trapped in the relationship and all I wanted was to get out of it but felt like I couldn’t. He would get angry a lot not at me but at the things around him and I often tried to comfort him. I was at the point when I was planning to leave for uni and he would say that he was supportive of it then turn around later cry and tell me not to go. We hadn’t been together long. He would say things on the line that we wouldn’t see eachother and unis for sleeping around. He would keep changing his mind and it was so confusing. He was very protective and I felt so coddled by him because he would be upset if I didn’t reply to his messages or calls. He would messaged me a lot of the time asking where I was and who I was with and I felt so uncomfortable about it. At night we would FaceTime throughout (detail removed by Moderator) and I wanted to stop doing that to make some boundaries but I felt like I couldn’t. He had my phone location aswell just in case of an accident or if I lost my phone. It was sweet to begin with but then i felt so uncomfortable about it.
We were quite sexually active a lot of the time. (detail removed by Moderator). In the beginning we didn’t use condoms and it was exciting and fun. But then I got frightened about not using them and wanted to start using them. There was I time I said I wanted to start using them and he said that we could start without and before he finished could use one and I agreed. But as we were doing it he was like let’s just carry on because we are already here. And I felt like I couldn’t really say anything because we joked a lot about not using protection and never used them before.
When I tried to break up with him the first time we sat and had a (detail removed by Moderator) hour conversation about it and in the end didn’t break up. About (detail removed by Moderator) weeks later I had had enough and ended it the relationship. Part of me feels guilty because he was holding on so tight to our relationship because he knew I was pulling away. I got diagnosed with depression a few months after getting together and had a really tough time and was not a good partner. Part of the reason I wanted to end the relationship.
I went to see a counsellor after we broke up as he sent me angry messages and kept trying to get in contact but didn’t tell her about the sex stuff as I was embarrassed and she said he had coercive behaviours.I guess I just want to know what other people think of this because it happened a while back but it’s on my mind a lot at the moment and want some clarity.
Thank you.

[Mellow]

It’s definitely coercive and good you left

[Camel]

This guy made you feel responsible for him and his happiness. And your happiness depended entirely upon his happiness. Your depression didn’t cause you to be a rubbish partner, it was caused by being in a relationship with a controlling and coercive abuser. Your guilt is misplaced as it implies wrongdoing on your part. Accept that you’ve had a lucky escape from a man who escalated his abuse every time you tried to assert yourself. You are obviously still processing a lot of what happened and that’s a good thing. Take plenty of time to understand yourself and your boundaries. x

[Pink-sprinkles]

Thank you for your input it’s honestly really appreciated. I think I’m just trying to get my head around what was happening. I don’t know if he intended what he was doing or if what he was doing was even abuse. All I know is that it keeps me up sometimes and feels wrong but I don’t know if I’m just dramatising it in my head.

[Camel]

I don’t think it matters at all what he ‘intended’ or even if it was ‘abuse’. What is important is how you felt, how you still feel. You know things were ‘off’ and didn’t feel right. You are not dramatising anything.

[Author]

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