Advice – Going to a Wedding

[BakingQueen]

Need a bit of help here.

I will be attending a wedding where my son is part of the ceremony. My ex (his dad) will also be attending the wedding.

He had (Detail removed by Moderator) accident not too long ago and since the accident has gone AWOL and hasn’t turned up on a couple for vitiation. To this day he still hasn’t made any contact or even enquired about how his son is.

Thing is, he has told mutual friends he will be at the wedding and now I don’t really know how to act. I know these men enjoy knowing they have p****d us off, but I don’t want to show any emotions but at the same time don’t want to smile and be fake. I shouldn’t have to.

I wont be initiating conversation but if he does try and speak to me, I want to be firm and tell him his behavior is unacceptable but at the same time it is just wasted breathe isn’t it? So ladies, how should I react so that I don’t fuel anymore of his n**********c supply? Should I ignore him? Say hello if he says hi to me? I know he will try his best to make things awkward because that is what they enjoy. Seeing people squirm.

On a bit of a separate note, I was going to open up to my ex’s dad (we have a good relationship) and tell him what a monster his son is and share all the secrets and lies he has kept from everyone. Part of me feels like what will I gain from this? But at the same time I have heard he has already been physical with his new gf and so the pattern has already been established and I think his family should know the man he is and why I am worried about my sons safety regarding staying with him.

Just needed to get that out.

Thanks for listening x

[KIP.]

In my experience blood is always thicker than water. Telling his family that their son is a monster won’t make a bit of difference. They probably already know. Who ever sent out the invitations I would ask if he is attending. If he is attending I would tell them that you won’t be. If you want your allegations to be taken seriously then zero contact is what people must see. People with no experience of abuse will just ask why you’re in the same room as him if he was such a monster. It will leave you with less credibility in his family’s eyes and those attending the wedding. I know this attitude is wrong but that is my experience. Is there a close family member that can be responsible for your son for the day so that he doesn’t miss out? If it’s a close member of your family getting married then I wouldn’t have expected them to send him an invitation in the first place. If they have then I would ask them to withdraw it. My sisters child got married recently and my ex wasn’t invited. If he was I simply would not have attended.

[maddog]

Apart from the wedding, do you have any other plans for the day? It may help to have somewhere to go after or sooner rather than later, so you can just leave in a hurry. You can make a plan for the wedding, if you have friends/rels you want to see, so even if he catches your eye, you can race off to talk to someone else. The more you can focus on the people you want to be in contact with, the less time you will have to think about your ex. Or if it’s all too much, are you able to leave your son with a friend or relative while you do something else for the duration?

If you speak to your ex’s dad about his son, he may become defensive. If you have a good relationship with him, you might let him know tiny bits. It sounds harsh but what your ex does with his new gf really isn’t your problem. If he is knocking her about it is up to her to report him. I understand that it’s horrible for you hearing history repeat. Love is completely blind. I hope you have lots of real life people to support you through these difficult times.

[BakingQueen]

Thanks for your reply ladies.

So the wedding isn’t a family wedding it’s a long time mutual friend and my son is (Detail removed by Moderator) for her. The bride herself was in an abusive relationship. She asked me if he’d been physical and i told her yes. She knows exactly what these men can be like first hand.

And in a crazy turn of events I found out his mum and dad have both wiped their hands of him. He’s successfully turned everyone against his new gf and now no-one wants anything to do with either of them. They all blame her for him going AWOL. but i know the truth, this is what he wanted all along, so he can play on the isolation. I did tell his dad about him paying no child support and not turning up which he want impressed with. He was actually really angry about it coz that’s not how he raised him but yes they knew he had this side of him and he’s beyond help.

Anyway, (Detail removed by Moderator) he can’t be trusted.

Thanks for responding to me. X

[KIP.]

I wonder if your friend would withdraw his invitation (if he ever got one) so that you can enjoy yourself and not need to worry about him turning up? Yes you’re right about isolating his new gf. He doesn’t want you and his family telling her all about his abusive past. She will find out first hand very soon if she hasn’t already.

[maddog]

I was about to say roughly the same as KIP. I’m sure your friend though long and hard about asking both of you (I live in hope!). If you are in any doubt as to whether your ex will be there, you can decline the invitation. Although it can be difficult, it takes some self belief, for me at least, to decide that you are worth more than seeing your ex whatever the circumstances. If the bride is a good friend, she will understand and you will have plenty of opportunity to see her at other times.

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