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Hi, I’m sure this will be long so please bear with me. I’ve been married (detail removed by moderator) years. My husband was amazing in the beginning – so full on, complimentary and intense. I got swept along with how lovely he was and when he proposed less than (detail removed by moderator) months in, I said yes. Just after we got engaged, he went abroad for work. The time difference made it difficult to talk, and one evening I was busy sorting the kids tea, showers, homework etc and I came downstairs to see over 40 missed calls on my phone. When I answered he went mental – “(detail removed by moderator)!”, so I hung up. Ten minutes later he called back, full of apologies aboug jetlag and being worried about me.
And so it began. I worked as a (detail removed by moderator), and he had to know my rota. He would ring me the minute I should have finished (detail removed by moderator), and if I was late he’d want to know where I was and what I was doing. He had to speak to me countless times throughout the day, and it was so suffocating. He doesn’t like me doing anything without him, or going out with my friends. He accused me of speaking to other men, scrutinised my social media to see comments I’d left and photos from the past.
I could see his mood a mile away and it would get to the point that I’d be walking on eggshells to not escalate things.
He kicks off over the smallest thing – a cupboard door not being closed properly, finger marks on doors, the bed not being made properly. I didn’t cook or clean to his standard. When he was in a mood, he would rant and rave, following me round the house as I tried to get away. If I locked myself in the bathroom, he’d (detail removed by moderator) take the lock off. He’d try and stop me leaving the house, either by using his body or taking my keys. If I went out to leave him to calm down, he’d drive round to find me. When I came home, instead of him having calmed down, he’d say he’d seen me active on Facebook or WhatsApp and accuse me of talking to people.
He never actually hit me, but grabbed my wrists and pushed me and winded me. I suffered abuse as a child, and always told him that being made to feel like I was being pushed into doing things I didn’t want to made me feel this trauma again. If ever I refused sex (he insists on it daily), he would make me feel guilty by saying “(detail removed by moderator)?”
He’s always said he’s never been like this with anyone else, that it was me that pushes his buttons and frustrates him. He blames his issues on his childhood and also his ex wife who cheated. I secretly messaged his ex earlier this year and found that he’d been exactly the same with her. (detail removed by moderator).
After months of tears, telling him I was scared of him and pushing him to get help, he finally agreed to see a counsellor. I found him the number and kept telling him to call. He’s been seeing him on and off for a few months, although not regularly as he works abroad at times. I don’t know what he’s discussed, or if it’s having any real positive change. He doesn’t scream and shout now, but the controlling and criticism is still here, as is the name calling although less frequent.
In (detail removed by moderator), I’d had enough and went to stay with a friend. I’ve been off work with anxiety and depression since because my head is a mess. After my manager said she would have to contact social services as my (detail removed by moderator) children live with us, I contacted the police myself and gave a statement. They asked if I wanted to prosecute but I said I couldn’t be responsible for him losing his job. While separated, he asked me what I wanted him to do to fix this. I told him I wanted him to find a perpetrator programme, and be honest about his issues. He did, although has yet to be assessed and due to work, I don’t know when he will actually go. A large part of me thinks he’s still in denial, and he’ll sit in a room with men who physically attack their partners and think “this isn’t me, I shouldn’t be here”. He even said (detail removed by moderator) weeks ago “(detail removed by moderator)”. Are they the words of someone who acknowledges they’re an abuser?
I’ve recently started the freedom programme and, while he’s working away, have been speaking to dv support workers and a solicitor. All while pretending to him that life is normal.
I need help. I know I need to mKe a decision. Half of me thinks I owe him the chance to do the programme and put things right, but the other half thinks he’ll never change.
Has anyone seen their partner go through a programme like this? Do they work? Can they really change? Or do I cut my losses and leave? -
Well done for starting Freedom. Nobody is going to make you leave. Your support worker will help you make any safety plans and help you get your life back together.
It’s terrible when you begin to realise and understand abuse and start to see the extent of it and how it has affected you. It is really hard to take in that some people can behave like this.
It was proposed that my ex do a perpetrator programme but the authorities decided that he was too much in denial.
There is no evidence whatsoever that these programmes work. The research hasn’t been done.
Very few abusers are able to change. Their behaviour is at the core of their being. It is who and what they are. Although your partner’s behaviour may appear to improve, it is worth remembering that abuse is cyclical and abusers are boringly predictable in their behaviour.
They only get worse. Your partner may be using his therapist as ‘supply’, as an addict seeks supply for their addiction.
Your support worker will listen to you and when the time comes, help you with safety planning.
Well done for speaking to the police. When I first spoke to them I insisted that they didn’t speak to my ex as I was terrified of what he would do next.
These things take time and you are in the right place for getting the help and support you need. You can also speak to Victim Support and Rape Crisis. Keep up the Grey Rock and do not communicate anything important with your partner. It basically means speaking about nothing more significant than the weather.
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Thank you for replying. My husband has always had ‘nasty’ times followed by times where he’s lovely and it makes me feel like I’m going mad. I doubt myself for thinking he’s an abuser and that it must be me being dramatic. This has been my home for (detail removed by moderator) years. He used (detail removed by moderator) to buy into my mortgage, and had it legally drawn up that if we split, he would receive a larger amount than me. When he moved in all of my furniture went as his was ‘better’. I have nothing except for a few pictures and ornaments so would have to move into a rented house and start over with nothing. It’s so horribly unfair.
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Hi there welcome and well done for speaking out. maddog really has covered it all.
Have you seen this “legal agreement? Did you sign it? I’d hope a good solicitor would see through that and get you what you should have particularly if you have children. Honey YOU wouldn’t be responsible for him losing his job, him and his actions alone, not you, would be responsible.
I hope you make the decision to leave, he sounds like he makes your life hell and you deserve better. Xx
Ps you’re not being dramatic at all. You are dealing with many types of abuse. Please get some help xx
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Your story sounds so much like mine and it caused my mental illnesses which is enough to leave. Google love bombing and the cycle of abuse. Gaslighting. Cognitive dissonance. He is not your responsibility. One instance of domestic abuse is enough for a divorce so it’s certainly enough to walk away. But make sure it’s a safe exit plan and you have all your ducks in a row x an occupation order can have him removed from the home until finances are sorted. If you’re the main Carer for the kids, he has a responsibility to house them and you. Don’t believe a word he says. Abusers are pathological liar. Whatever he accuses you of, chances are he’s doing that. My ex was cheating and accusing me of cheating.
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You will get there, Anxietypersonified! You have made tentative steps onto this rocky road. There are so many people to help you along it and keep you from falling. Women’s Aid often have a solicitor attached to the local branch who can offer free legal advice. Victim Support and Rape Crisis may be have legal advisors as well though I’m not sure. It is really important to have legal counsel who understands the behaviour of (detail removed by moderator) abusers as they play dirty.
It’s very difficult and dangerous leaving an abuser which is why we must have all our ducks in a row. As you move along the path you will hopefully be referred to all sorts of agencies who can help you with children, benefits, housing etc and of course your mental health.
It’s a massive pill to swallow. As KIP says, they will accuse you of all the things they are doing to you. I am currently being gaslighted by the authorities which is truly terrifying. It is grim to have your reality so distorted that you doubt yourself. If you haven’t done so already, please speak to your GP and the school if you have children.
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There will be a way forward, Anxietypersonified. The road is full of absurd twists and turns. The most important thing is for you to be safe. I know it feels as though we are losing everything and that thought is very frightening. We find ways of surviving and thriving after domestic abuse, however difficult.
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It is unfair that the victim usually has to leave everything behind and start again. It’s hard not be resentful. But try to see that financial control is just one more tool they threaten us with. Personally I was happy to walk away penniless, homeless and jobless. People matter. Things, less so.
I haven’t read any posts on this forum where any kind of counselling worked. You are not being ‘unfair’ if you decide you don’t want to hang around while he plays with the process. You are not the reward for his little bit of effort. You’ve told him you’re unhappy. What’s he doing to change that?
You’re incredibly strong and brave to have stuck up for yourself. But maybe you’ve run out of patience? No one would blame you if you threw in the towel. Get professional advice and take it from there. Knowledge really is power.
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Thank you everyone for your replies. I’ve slowly been trying to get things sorted – I have an estate agent coming to value the house next week and a mortgage statement for my solicitor. My husband is coming home tonight, working away next week and then back home again for a while so it will be hard to make phone calls etc. I’m actually hoping he’ll start an argument or say something that will remind me just how horrible he can be x
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If he starts an argument, try to record it. I find the camera video more effective for recording all round sound than the voice recorder. In the meantime, send yourself emails or keep some kind of diary. You’re on your way. Eventually you will see the (ahem) good bits of him as a mask. I too married someone who wasn’t who they pretended to be. Abusers use us as supply in the same way that any addict does. He will be using you to learn his behaviour from. They mirror us. It’s really weird.
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