Advice needed

[Wonderingwhy]

New here hello I dont really know what to say or where to start, ive been away from my ex partner for (detail removed by moderator) now, we were together for (detail removed by moderator) years, I suffered domestic violence, coercion, mental and emotional abuse, the last straw for me was finding out he had cheated on me multiple times over the course of years, when I first left I tried to stay on good terms with him, friends I guess, he used this to try and maintain control over me and after about (detail removed by moderator) I decided to join a dating site, I told my ex straight away as I didnt want him thinking I was sneaking around behind his back, I then received a message from him threatening my life which I reported to the police but because it was a veiled threat and not from his number they wouldn’t act on it, since then I have had him lying to our (detail removed by moderator) grown up sons and sending threats of violence via other people, I have had to move (detail removed by moderator) away just to get some peace from him, I have no friends or family where I am, I do have a new boyfriend who is wonderful but I miss my family, I cant get an injection against him as I was always to afraid to report the violence to the police so I’m not entitled to legal aid and im on benefits so cant afford to pay myself, I just dont know what to do anymore, it seems like I have to wait for him to attack me again before I can get help, I am always on edge, I suffer from depression and anxiety and very low self esteem and could probably benefit from some counselling but dont know how to go about it, my doctor advised me to contact womens aid so here I am

[Empoweredhealing]

Welcome and good job on reaching out.
It might be helpful if you can chat either in person or online with WA.

It’s also essential that you cut all contacts with him. The more he knows about you, the more he can continue to abuse you. He’s dangerous and any threats should be reported to the police. If they have a domestic abuse unit where you live, it’s best to talk to people there.
Cut off all avenues where he can contact you. Change your phone number and email if you have to. If people close to you are carrying messages from him, tell them to stop.

You can’t make him stop being an abusive person, But you CAN stop him from abusing you.

[Anonymous]

Hi there,

I second everything EmpoweredHealing has said.

You miss your family, of course you do as it’s only natural. The thing about abusers is that they will and do cut us off from anything, everything, anyone and everyone if that is what suits them. They are damaged souls with wide open wounds and the only way they think or know how to manage their damaged sense of self is to control, punish, denigrate and abuse those who have got close enough to them. These aren’t wounds which can be nursed by us in any way to heal them. The dysfunction must be recognised by them first and care sought from themselves only in order to heal. 99.9% of the time it does not happen nor will happen. Nothing we can do or say will get them better or help them. Abusing works for them, or at least they believe it does.

You have a new boyfriend and it sounds like it’s going well. Are you new to the area? Have you been able to get involved in one or some things you like to do? I don’t know how long you’ve been together as we aren’t allowed to reveal this. But if it was before Covid, i’d hope you are free enough to take a look at things you’d like to do or experience?

What have you been up to? I’ve not been able to do loads but I have been going on long walks with my dog in the countryside and cooking all sorts of food I didn’t know about before. How about you?

[Wonderingwhy]

Hi Empowered healing, I have had no direct contact with him, he has however constantly barracked my sons with lies and requests for me to sort this and that out, my sons have felt obliged to pass the messages on, but again they are just designed to let me know he is always going to find some way to get at me, I will take your advice and tell them I do not wish to hear anything from him or about him, I have tried every day this week to speak to someone on the live chat but without succession, even if I leave my chat window open for an hour I havent managed to speak to anyone, ive also tried the NDA people but its the same there, a sad sign of the times and shows how many women there are reaching out for help, I will keep trying though and thankyou x

[gettingtired]

I called the NDA helpline for someone else and ended up waiting for hours. However, I decided to leave a voicemail for them to call me back and was suprised to have had a call back within the next 30 mins. They’ll call you from a private number. I even missed the first call and couldn’t call back because of the private number but they rang me again 10 minutes. If you haven’t already I’d try leaving a voicemail xx

[Wonderingwhy]

Hi GreenSapphire I am new to the area where I’m living, its a big city, with all the covid and lockdown ive not managed to get out much, there were a few weeks in the summer where I was able to walk round the shops and sit down for a coffee but not now, I dont know what I could get involved in around here, there is nothing open at the moment and I wouldnt know where to start, I feel so isolated, my boyfriend is at work (detail removed by Moderator) hours a day and (detail removed by Moderator) days a week so I spend alot of time indoors by myself, I have dogs for some company but its not the same as having friends or family around, I have a young grandchild whom I miss very much too. There is nowhere near me that is nice to walk, its very busy and I’m trying to stay safe from the virus, I find myself scanning the crowds of people when I go to the shop, always expecting to see his face appear so I’m always on edge. My time is filled with washing cooking and cleaning at the moment as there is nothing better for me to do and I feel myself getting more and more depressed as the days go by,im grateful for having somewhere safe to stay but its a very long lonely time.

[Empoweredhealing]

Hi Wonderingwhy, I can totally relate to the feeling of isolation. Would you consider joining groups online? There are tons of special interest groups. Try looking through places like (detail removed by Moderator) Book clubs, church groups, hiking/walking groups. They all have zoom meetings regularly and are fun.
Also, what about looking for a part time job in an area that you are interested in? How about volunteering? I think connecting with people in any way you can will be really healthy for you.

[Lisa]

Hi Wonderingwhy,

I am sorry to hear you were unable to get through to the Live Chat, it is a busy service but please do try again if you are able to. As Gettingtired has suggested, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247) has a voicemail service to request a call back at a safe and convenient time so this might be an option for you.

Alternatively you can get details of a local domestic abuse service in your area via this link: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ They should be able to offer you ongoing emotional and practical support.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Author]

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