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    • #136708

      Hello everyone
      I’m new on here and this is my first time to post,
      I came out an emotionally abusive relationship (detail removed by moderator), last year was extremely difficult but I survived and survived the court system,
      There is a restraining order in place that covers me n cover that he has to go through social services or court to have any contact with my children, since this was in place his sent my oldest (detail removed by moderator), I asked womens aid for advice who sed it was pushing the boarders of the restraining order, also he put child meintance into my bank each month.
      I didn’t give my child the (detail removed by moderator) just saved it upstairs away for when their older. But this week unexpectedly the police rang me under Claires law, some information shocked me long story short while on that call the officer told me that (detail removed by moderator), they advised me to ring and report it. Iv spoken with family and friend some of which feel it petty to report it as its aimed for my children, has anyone been in this situation, feel like I’m sinking again and getting over whelmed.
      Thank you

    • #136713
      Wants To Help

      Hi Rhodes Island,

      Welcome to the forum 🙂

      Restraining Orders / Protection from Harassment Orders / Non Molestation Orders are all legal orders that prevent contact with someone in ANY way. They criminalise ordinary behaviour. A breach doesn’t have to be nasty, abusive or threatening.

      A RO or PHO are usually worded along the lines of…

      [name of suspect] is not to make contact directly or indirectly with [name of victim(s)] unless via a solicitor or authorised third party, not to attend within [a certain amount of distance] the home address or work address of [name of victim]

      In your situation, your ‘authorised third party’ that your ex can contact the children by are Children’s Services. This is so that they can read the content that is sent to the children to check it is appropriate to pass on to them and does not contain anything offensive or any ‘hidden message’ to them that is a poke at you. As he has sent (detail removed by moderator) to the child directly then he has breached the order and this is a criminal offence for which the police can deal with him.

      It may sound very petty, but this is exactly how abusers manipulate the orders, so ideally, you need to report it because if you don’t, he will do something else. Your ex is more than likely very aware that he is to send things via Children’s Services but has chosen not to because he is an abuser. Abusers will not have someone tell them how THEY send their child a birthday card, how dare they. No, if they want to send their child a birthday card they d**n well will!! What then tends to happen is that if they can’t send the card direct then they won’t bother sending one at all because they refuse to send it via Children’s Services. This shows how their thoughts are not about the child at all, it’s about their rights to do what THEY want.

      With regards to the Child Maintenance, if the money is sent from his bank to your bank with the payment details CHILD MAINTENANCE that would not be classed as a breach because there is a legitimate financial reason to send this money and it is not a message to you. However, if he sent the money with the details ENJOY B***H! for example, it would be a breach as he has used the bank transfer as a way of making the contact with you personal.

      When there is a legal order in place then ALL breaches of it need to be reported. I have known ladies who have let the ‘nice’ breaches go and only contact the police to report the ‘nasty’ breaches. When the abuser has been arrested for the ‘nasty’ breaches he has then brought up all the text messages between him and the lady when the contact is friendly, or the time he popped round and mended something and asks why that wasn’t reported? The Crown Prosecution Service have then declined to take the case to court on the basis that “the victim cannot pick and choose when she wants to invoke the order.” To not report ALL breaches undermines the order and can go against you in future.

      Lots of ladies feel that to report the ‘nice’ breaches they are either wasting police time or could further antagonise their ex when things are going okay. The police are used to dealing with breaches of order when contact has been made directly or indirectly so it does not matter what the incident of the breach is, it is still a breach. The more you let your abuser ‘get away’ with this the more he will start to manipulate it bit by bit.

      As you have a Restraining Order I am assuming this was put in place on conviction, or even on an acquittal, but either way, after a court appearance? It has been put there for a reason, please do not be afraid to use it. Stand your ground and make him comply with what he knows he should be doing. There is nothing ‘accidental’ or ‘innocent’ about what he has done, it is indeed about pushing the boundaries.


    • #136727

      Thank you for taking the time to message me back, yes he was (detail removed by moderator), I did think that the (detail removed by moderator) was breaking the restraining order but after asking my womens aids worker and her telling me is not is just pushing the boundaries I left it, the meintance started saying (detail removed by moderator) but now says (detail removed by moderator), so when my children are at school next week I will report it all to the police, (I don’t want my children seeing or hearing anymore of this evil) my children don’t see their dad at all and he hasn’t tried to fight to see them, so I think your right in its him not liking being told he has to do thing in ways he doesn’t want.
      I just hope iv got the strength for the police statement ect again, I found this year extremely hard, he broke his bail conditions soeverything was doubled plus he lives in a different area so double police courts ect guessing it will be similar again

    • #136729
      Wants To Help

      You’re welcome.

      Yes, it is hard when you live in one police area and the offender lives in another, there is a lot of police politics that goes on behind the scenes that slows things up for the victim. Your safe guarding will come under the police force for where you live and the investigation for the breach will come under the area where he lives, and both police forces will hold the information of the domestic incidents reported involving the two of you.

      As time consuming and emotionally draining as it is, you must report every breach though, especially if he didn’t adhere to his bail conditions because this does build up a picture of the type of abuser the police are dealing with. Any continuing contact that he makes with you that breaches the order is another step he takes to his own downfall. If the breaches are ‘nice’ ones then it goes to show how manipulative he is because he will play the ‘victim’ and paint you as the neurotic one who ‘just can’t let things go’ when he is trying to make amends with the kids! It’s all for show. Don’t be embarrassed to report breaches or think you are wasting anyone’s time.

      It might actually be worth opening the card and reading what’s in it because if it is abusive in some way or has any content that would upset your child then this may be relevant. Some incidents like this I’m aware of have messages along the lines of “sorry I can’t see you on your birthday, I would have come but mummy won’t let me and will get me in to trouble if I do”. Messages like this clearly have a hidden meaning of putting the blame on to the victim who then has to explain something to their child.

      • #136732

        I will definitely report this thank you, I did open the card and it was just a standard (detail removed by moderator) but that was under the bail which allowed him alittle contact but after he broke the bail threatening me I asked for full restraining to protect me and my children. It’s so hard cos emotional abuse just isn’t seen in same light as other types of abuse so you almost second guess if ur doing the right thing especially when people say it petty let it go, but having sent year living on edge at what game he will play and when he will play it, my confidence is so low and I’m so tired even this far down the line.
        I don’t think I saw how much abuse he coursed till I stepped away n even now more n more comes to me

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