- This topic has 5 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 8 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Sorry if I end up repeating myself…just typed a long post and it’s disappeared off??!!
Basically my children are young adults now they went to live with my ex husband when they we’re old enough to choose by law (I blame myself for this as I never informed police about my DV abuse). It was a DV relationship all forms used. Do I ever tell my children what happened? They know their dad’s super anxious micro managing their lives (control) but they don’t know extent of what went on. Obviously I don’t need to go into grafic details but I carry this burden and it weighs me down. I’ve had counselling. But I feel like I’ve got blood on my hands by keeping the abuse secret…. -
-
Hi Shipoffools,
I’m sorry you are in this situation, I know it can’t be easy. Don’t blame yourself, you did and are doing what you thought is best.
I would inform them you went through domestic abuse with their father but not go into details. Just saying you went through domestic abuse is plenty enough.
I would approach the subject with the intend to educate your children in general about Domestic Abuse, about Abusive Power and Control, the Cycle of Abuse by giving them the key words and they can google it themselves so they stay independent.
I would also inform them that there is help and support available for people in abusive relationships.
This way you educate them, you give them tools but do no burden them.Also I think it is possible to still report abuse even after it happened. Please call women’s aid for more details as I don’t know the proceedings.
Big hug to you.
-
Thank you HopeLifeJoy you’ve given me food for thought, it’s much appreciated….even though I’ve had counselling…I still carry a lot of guilt for not handling the situation better when I left….I didn’t have a plan & my children went through a lot of turmoil, leaving their home, school, friends….my children thought it was all over me finding their dad in bed with another woman…but that was just the straw tht broke me after all the other DV abuse….
-
I would tell them. I told my child everything but in a way that would not undermine his dad. I said to him that he loves him and surely he loved me but his way of loving was different. I had this conversation when he was 4. Said people are like shapes. Some are round like balls and they roll. Some are squares like boxes and they don’t roll. No blame, no fault, no anger. Tried to keep the positives but make him aware in a way that wouldn’t be traumatizing. I think it is very important to stay open and transparent. You are the only parent with whom they can have a relationship of total trust, the only who is the safe place. I think you probably need to explain why you didn’t feel in a position to explain the facts till now, as they may feel you held something important from them, like you didn’t trust them, so they may feel. I would explain the truth about silence, including the fact that when we receive certain treatment we tend to feel guilty and responsible for what happens, and ashamed. I think if you have a very frank conversation that is about you and them, rather than your ex, this may strengthen your rapport with them and make you feel a lot better. I think that our relationship with our kids is something more important than anything else for them, therefore for me being totally clear with my son is a way to protect him from shadows, found a, untold things.
A therapist once told me: a bad truth is much better than a good lie. I always lived in that belief and it helped me a great lot xx -
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
