Advice on new relationship

[Sunshineee]

I used to be in an abusive relationship and now I am seeing someone else and have been for a while. He is not abusive I know he’s not, and nothing like my ex. But I need a little advice about something I’m not happy with. I suffer with mental illness which can get quite severe and do sometimes require the support of him or people close to me as can’t always handle situations myself. When he is with me, he’s great. But when he’s not and it’s over the phone he doesn’t give the support I need. For example (detail removed by Moderator) he said he can’t always be there for me and doesn’t know how much he can help and proceeded to tell me he has a very busy life and won’t always be able to be there. He was saying he was busy as I kicked off a little bit as he wasn’t replying quick enough. You know what it gets like, when your all worked up you feel panicky and I got annoyed at his slow replies but I didn’t mean to be impatient. But rather than dealing with why I was upset he just pulled out the fact I was getting annoyed at his slow replies. I know he does have a busy life, working two jobs & studying he is very busy. Yet in my eyes, when someone you care about needs you you’re there for them, you don’t tell them how busy your life is and that you don’t know how much you can help. I try to explain this but he doesn’t really get it and tries to explain his point again and again, but his point is wrong in my eyes. Am I reading this situation wrong? I need to know I’m going to have support when I need it and know I can’t turn to my partner.

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel … Sunshineee,
I think your last sentence answers your own question!
You want someone who is supportive and there for you, if this is not this guy do not try and fit a square peg in a round hole, it will not work and it will only lead to an unhappy you. Believe me I have been there.
We are aloud to set our standards and requirements of what we want in a relationship and although one man may think this is too much, the RIGHT man won’t.
Do not under value yourself and stay with a man that is not giving you 100%, 100% of the time.
You say you need support from him, but I would encourage you to invest in yourself and put love and support into you and you may find you do not need to lean so heavily on others as a result.
None of this means that you can’t have a happy, loving, and balanced relationship, but it is paramount that you love yourself first.
I always recommend reading or listening to Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life … this will really help you with self love and self worth. Louise Hay herself was a victim of abuse.
Know your worth my darling
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Sunshineee]

Thank you very much x

[ISOPeace]

Hi Sunshineee, I don’t have any experience of meeting somebody new after an abusive relationship, but I imagine it must be difficult to work out whether you’re asking too much or too little. We spent years being convinced that our needs didn’t matter while in abusive relationships so it must take a while to trust our judgement again.

I think only you can decide what you expect from a partner in a relationship. I would certainly want a partner to be supportive if I was really struggling.

What stands out to me from your post is the problem in communicating the issue. Lots of seemingly huge problems can be caused by lack of understanding, even when to one person it seems like they made their point clearly. From what you said about him focussing on him not replying quickly enough, it sounds like you feel unseen/unheard by him. It can be really painful when somebody close to us can’t see how much pain we’re in. I don’t have any great advice on how to tackle that issue other than trying to talk to him when you’re both calm and trying to understand his side as well as explaining yours.

If you don’t seem to be able to resolve the issue with him, then I agree with Darcy. You don’t have to settle for a relationship that leaves you feeling hurt and abandoned. Sending love xxxx

[Living Warrior]

Hi lovely,
I have had experience with this, i have severe anxiety, sometimes i struggle to leave the house! although that hasnt happened for months i do understand your need for reassurance.
I have been seen as needy in the past, i am not needy, but i, like you needed someone and it turned out the guy i was seeing, wasnt the person who i could turn to. hard as it was we broke up and when i didnt think i would be able to have another relationship. it took me a long time to have the courage for this 1.
but when i was least expecting it i found someone, someone who is there when i need him, he understands everything i have been through, he supports me to get better, helps me find ways for ME to sort my problems.

i set guidelines on what i wanted out of my life, as part of a self help class i did after the abuse.
(in my first after abuse relationship the guidelines had totally slipped my mind) but before i commited to this relationship, i sat and read my first guidelines.

what i wanted for me, my children, my partner (in the future) and the relationship as a whole.
this led to a very in depth conversation with my new partner, (before we got too serious) tbh i was expectng him to run away lol
he agreed and had the same outlook on most of what i said, (the main parts) some things we compromised on (never the big things) and this openness helped alot- it took away the stress of guessing- i was completely open, take me as i am or dont.
and to my surprise, he stayed and we are still together-

My point lovely, is talk to him- open up about what you need, ask him what he needs.. and go from there.. sometimes we meet people who are meant to stay, other times we meet people to learn things, and once we have learnt that thing, they must leave.

either way- focusing on your needs is what is important! if he cannot give the time to support you- you dont deserve to be struggling and unhappy. You deserve to do as i did, move on and find support and happiness elsewhere,

good luck and safe journey.

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