Advice please

[Ilikechicken]

I’m looking for some advice on what I should do. I have two children and are not married yet have a mortgaged home. I am planning to leave soon but need to decide a plan first. One of my. Children has special needs (needing personal care) which my partner doesn’t do etc and has been emotionally abusive etc so I want to protect them from it as much as possible and therefore don’t want to agree to 50/50.
My questions are should I start proceeding for court with a residency order, let him start proceedings or try and see if he will negotiate (although he will want his way and to avoid maintenance).

Also if I leave the home can he drag out the house sale? And as its 50/50 joint ownership do we have to go through the courts?

[Iwantmeback]

Hi ilikechicken, can’t advise re your children but with regards to house sale, dragging of feet, I’ve saw others write that your solicitor can force the sale of the house by going to court. Sometimes just the threat of that is enough to make your OH sign any forms. I’ve yet to meet with a solicitor re the legal stuff and where i stand too, it’s hard committing to see it through, but it eventually has to be done. Im not quite ready to leave, i want to get the facts and practical stuff sorted in my head before I do anything more.
IWMB 💕💕

[Lostinmymind]

I too am not married but have a joint mortgage with my abuser.

My solicitors advice was to contact him (through her – no direct contact is the best way to help keep you on the right track) and say you want to sell.

If he disagrees or refuses to move out, then apply for a court order to both get him out and to sell the house. My abuser didn’t help with the deposit and hasn’t paid a penny towards the mortgage (or any other bills) since we moved in. I’ve been told that this will work in my favour to get more than 50/50.

Talk to a solicitor asap. It’s all confidential and you will feel a lot better getting professional legal advice. I know I did.

Stay strong x

[Ayanna]

The best solution would be him to move out.
Check whether you have enough evidence to get an occupation order against him. If you can get it for a year, as he is obviously irresponsible with the disabled child, he can never come back and you can keep the house.
If needed involve social services to underpin your need to remain in the house. Change of location is never great for a disabled child. They need stability and continuation of care.

[Ilikechicken]

Thank u for the advice. I have sought legal advice for the child custody and may get a prohibited step order in place when I have gone if he doesn’t give the kids back, but I am going against the occupational step order my solicitor said I should get because his family live across the road and will see me coming and going and I just want away from them. I feel guilty for moving my son but I feel getting out of this town will help us all in the long run (just hope it doesn’t go against me in court). The next battle is arranging child custody he is going to flip when I suggest every other weekend (I want to minimise the emotional abuse on them by limiting time with him). Deep breaths. I am not I will be free in a matter of days but don’t feel it, I feel his impact on my kids will mean I’ll always be living through this hell.

[KIP.]

Please gather and keep all evidence you can of his abusive behaviour and his lack of parenting. Also, any contact he tries to get involving the children will be purely to have access to you. So my advice is to refuse all direct contact with him. Everything done through third party or solicitor or contact centre once he applies for access through the proper channels. When he realised he cannot continue the abuse through the children I’m hoping he will either give up or try direct contact at which point you can contact the police. The gloves are off so please stand your ground and begin as you mean to go on. Zero contact. Well done for getting s much better life for you and your children. You all deserve better x keep in touch with your local women’s aid. They can offer much needed support and there is also Rights For Women who offer free legal advice.

[Lisa]

Hello Ilikechicken,

I just wanted to show you some support. You have done so well with trying to arrange everything. Please try not to let him know that you are making plans to change your situation as it may make his behaviour escalate. It might be a good idea to phone the helpline to help you with a safety plan.

We are here for you so please keep us updated whenever you can.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Anonymous]

Contact with the kids is purely to acess you! For example recently we had parents evening it was a no show from him. He went and it was the only time when we were going through court. No contact was the best thing I could have ever done for my little girl. Shes really settled and happy now, great report from school she is growing in confidence as opposed to before when he was in her life xxs
Things got bad enough for us that it was her health that was in jeopardy. These men are pure poison for our children xxxx

[Anonymous]

What should say is they do give up when you go through contact centre etc it’s the only way as once they’re exposed they tend to dissappear xx

[Ilikechicken]

Thank you I have gone through my plan with a couple of family members who saw him for what he was and have stuck with me though him trying to distance us and also with womens aid, I am trying to act normal. I read in here a. Link someone had put up about trauma bonding that stated how they discard u when they have got what they want from u. I believe this is how he feels and is planning to leave, he got the kids he wanted (always used to call me the surrogate) so I feel he won’t be concerned at getting to me more annoying me and winning. Him and his family are all about winning and getting out of paying maintenance. I wish me and the kids cud just never see any of them again but I know the kids have bonded with him so I couldn’t do that to them. I’m just terried the court will give him 50% custody and the kids will grow up talking and acting like him. I feel by me leaving I’m unable to protect them anymore. Only a few more days to go :s

[KIP.]

You cannot protect them when with an abuser. I tried it and it destroyed my mental health. You can never co parent with these men. At least away from him you have a chance to teach your children that abuse is not tolerated. Keep all evidence of his abuse and absolute zero contact once you’ve gone. Don’t let him know of your plans. Once you’re free of the FOG of abuse. The Fear, Obligation and Guilt. You will be in a much stronger state of mind x you’re doing the right thing x

[Author]

Posts