Advice please!

[KOTB]

Hi, I am new to the forum after browsing the message boards for a little while.
I am recently out of a relationship that was physically, sexually and emotionally abusive. I am struggling with several things.
I miss him in silly ways E.g. the food we ate, the music we listened to, some of the stuff we used to do ( he controlled everything.)
I am struggling to talk about what actually happened. I am having flashbacks and remembering various incidents. Is it better to get it out in the open with friends who will listen or to try and put on a brave face? I am distrustful of some of my friends who I was isolated from.
I am feeling overwhelmed and helpless about everything ( my case has been referred to MARAC) I am trying to follow my IDVA’s advice but remain calm and retain some control over my situation.
I am suffering from trauma, anxiety and depression and just keep going over everything. I can’t seem to get myself together, it is if time is stood still. I have completed a domestic abuse awareness course which was great and am due to start another and have some counselling.
Any tips and advice is greatfully appreciated.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi KOTB, and welcome to our forum, it takes courage to post and you are so courageous, you’ve gotten out and away from your abuser. I find hearing our oh’s called that very difficult, but that’s what they are. The best advice rei can give is probably what everyone else would say, love yourself, take time to grieve the loss of your relationship and your future with him, it is very like the grieving process when someone you love dies. The process is very similar. Have you looked up trauma bonding, that explains how we are tied to them, how we love them even though they hurt us at the same time. Once our emotional and mental bonding is broken, that’s us on our way. We do what we do to survive and women have been surviving men and abuse fir centuries. We are #21stcenturysuffragettes, we are the next generation, our fight is against domestic abuse and violence. We have to stop the cycle of abuse, if not now, when? You are so strong, an absolutely amazing woman, you can do this. And we’ll be there for you every step of the way.

IWMB 💕💕

[KOTB]

Thanks IWMB, I have looked up trauma bonding and Stockholm Syndrome and identify with it. I constantly thought of ways to try and keep myself safe during the relationship and the easiest way was to try and stop him getting agitated, play down certain situations and go along with his continued petty demands. But how do I psychologically recover from it? I feel as if I have lost my self identity. There are times when I cannot function. I am looking into PTSD. I know time is a healer and I am determined to regain the control that has been stripped from me but although I can do all the practical things ie safety planning, the mental effects are devastating. ( Sorry I am not expecting anyone to have any quick fix answers but I just would like to tap into anything anyone has found that helps)
KOTB

[Iwantmeback]

Distract distract distract. Some people colour in, some bake, some go for walks. We do whatever it takes. Sometimes it’s making a list and maybe only doing one thing on it, the stronger you get the more you’ll accomplish. The thing to remember is don’t beat yourself up. He’s been in your head for so long, it’s not going to be easy getting rid of him. I’ve been with mine for decades, fought him verbally every step of the way,I am a strong woman yet I’m in this nightmare too.

IWMB 💕💕

[KOTB]

Thanks again IWMB.
I know I’ve just got to stop over analysing and the cycle of negative thoughts. I am determined to get through this and knowing that it is possible by reading some of the posts by survivors on here really helps.
KOTB

[Daisy]

Whilst in an abusive relationship it so all consuming, and you need to be alert at all times for safety. When out , it leaves a big void that takes time to get used to. When it ended up creeping round on eggshells, trying to predict every eventuality and step in and dispel it , all that doesn’t Die down instantly.so I would say all that energy and care now needs to be diverted to you. Try to do nice, relaxing things and things you enjoy. Be gentle and understanding with your self, give yourself time and don’t be too critical of yourself. I think it does help to get things out but only with a trusted safe person or environment and only when you are ready too.
You are grieving the relationship you hoped it would be, and it,s ok to still think and feel for him, just think and feel don’t act on these emotions, he’s not worthy of you and in time I can promise you, you will be wondering what you saw in him, won’t feel as you do now about him and will probably even go days or longer without thinking about him too.
In the meantime, try giving your bedroom a mini make over or change around,get some comforting things around you and when the nightmare wake you , reach out and touch those things to calm you.
X x x

[KOTB]

Thank you Daisy.
I have good days and bad days. Good spells in the bad days and vice versa. Christmas is going to be an especially hard time, as I am sure it is for all survivors. I am realising and beginning to recognise the baby steps I have made. Your words really do help.
KOTB

[Ayanna]

Your trauma is just very recent.
You need counseling. If your GP can organise that, it would be great.
If not try charities, also rape crisis.
Also, contact Women’s Aid about the Freedom Programme.
You will not only meet other women with whom you can relate, you will also learn a lot about abuse and understand your own reactions much better.
All what you experience in the aftermath of the abuse is normal.
It is a very hard time in the beginning.
You need to be patient with yourself.
Set goals that you want to achieve and work on them slowly.
Be careful sharing with friends. Many people have no understanding and ask hurtful questions and say silly things.
Do nice things for yourself every day. Just little things, like a peaceful walk in the park or window shopping.
It will take a while before you can put into words what happened to you.
If it helps, write things down, the fractions that come to your mind, put on paper, will make sense later.
If you have to go to court that will help you with your preparations and memories.
Keep posting!
You are doing all the right things!

[KOTB]

Thanks Ayanna, I do understand that anyone who hasn’t been through it just “doesn’t get it.” My GP, the police, even IDVA’s sometimes trivialise things or accidentally further my anxiety by an off the cuff remark. I think I am focussing on the small incidents that happened because I’m not yet ready to face the major incidents. It was my second abusive relationship. I was much stronger after ending the first one, however I realise I was vulnerable and didn’t see the red flags early enough. I will continue to post and read around various subjects as for me, that is the start of the healing process.
KOTB

[KIP.]

Just wanted to send support. I’ve been exactly where you are and I promise you, you can get through this. Try to be very kind to yourself and do the basics. Eat, drink plenty water and sleep when you can. Sleep was almost impossible to begin with and the brain chatter drove me crazy. That will all pass eventually. It’s going to take time. Ring the Samaritans, freephone whenever you need to talk, they are great listeners. Sometimes that’s all we need. The women’s aid helpline is 24 hours too. Try mindfulness, read and educate yourself of the dynamics of domestic abuse. Know that no amount of loving him will stop him abusing you. Is beyond devastating to be abused by some you love and thought loved you in return. As human beings we crave what is normal to us, even if it’s abuse. These feelings will pass. Google cognitive dissonance. Gaslighting. Cycle of abuse. You will get through this. Keep posting. We are all member of a club nobody wants to be in so let’s help each other through it. Sending a hug. Oh yes, hug pillows, surround yourself with cushions and pillows. That’s what trauma victims are given. Hug hug 🤗

[KOTB]

Thanks KIP, yes I am trying mindfulness, through apps and a book. Initially I slept too much! E.g. 16 hours at a time due to the utter exhaustion of everything. The way our bodies react to what has happened to us must be like self preservation? I am now becoming quite ritualistic in my behaviour to try and get through the day and maintain my safety. I know my behaviour appears odd to other people but for me it is a small price to pay for my safety. My counselling should hopefully start soon and I have been referred to both an anti-anxiety course and a second domestic abuse awareness programme. But everyone’s support and kind words on here is helping and will hopefully get me through this tough festive period. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to post messages to me.
KOTB. X x x x

[KIP.]

Rape crisis helpline is another good resource when you’re ready x

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