Advice please

[Anonymous]

Hi all, I’m newly out of a abusive relationship and yet I still don’t feel free. People say you must feel so free, how I must have a better life now and can do what I want when I want. I don’t feel any of those ways.
The abuse hasn’t fully ended, he’s just getting more creative as no contact where possible. I’m lonely and afraid. I daren’t leave the house on certain days, days I know he’ll find me. I have panic attacks now, I struggle to eat and sleep. I know only I can make me better and I’m trying to improve sleep and eating, those seem like easier tasks. It’s leaving the house I’m struggling with, I’m really hoping to be able to go out tomorrow but my heart starts racing just at the thought of it. I feel like I constantly have sick in my throat, my entire body shakes. The fear I feel is so strong.
For years I doubted my feelings, I questioned whether it really was abuse or if I’m too sensitive, as I was repeatedly told. Now I see clearer and can’t believe I stayed for so many years. I’m so ashamed of myself for what I allowed him to do, I’m ashamed I didn’t recognise I was being abused. I’m ashamed I stayed with such a horrible man. At first I could only remember happy times, but now the bad stuff is flooding back. I’m sad about the life I hoped for together that was never a reality.
I’m glad there are people here who understand

[Lisa]

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. In response to what you say in your post- you have nothing to feel ashamed of. The abuse was and is 100% his fault and his responsibility. It can be incredibly difficult to recognise and even harder to get away from. Please try to be kind to yourself.

I’m sorry to read how you’re feeling and that getting out of the house is so difficult for you. If the abuse is still continuing in ways, or you fear him finding you, then you are understandably going to feel scared. Do you have any protection orders in place? Perhaps this might be something to consider. You can call DV Assist on 0800 195 8699 to talk to them about a non-molestation order.

If you don’t feel this is something you can do, then another route might be to move yourself, if it is possible; it might help you to feel safer. I appreciate that’s also a big step. Whilst you are living where you are, perhaps you need to so some safety planning, to help you feel better about going out. You can read through ‘Making a safety plan’ on this website, or call the Helpline on 0808 2000 247 for some support.

It sounds like it is early days for you, and you will learn from others here that recovery from abuse is in reality an ongoing and challenging process. But it does get easier over time. You mention focusing on the basics like sleeping and eating and this is a good approach. Getting the right support in place can also really help. If you haven’t done so already consider calling your local domestic abuse service to see what support they offer in your area. You could ask them about accessing some counselling. Talking to your GP is a good idea to, if you feel able to.

Kind Regards and Keep Posting,

Lisa

[Anonymous]

Don’t be ashamed for being a good person!!

He should be ashamed, but won’t be.

Take Lisa’s advice and please keep posting. The early days are so hard. It does get better but seek out and take all the help you can get.

Sending love x*x

[Bruisedbutbrave]

You are not alone
I felt exactly the same
Almost had a car accident
But please believe in yourself
Getting out of toxic relationship is a battle in sin itself. their mind games and toxicity flashes back but you need to remind yourself how brave you are for standing up for yourself
It’s a long journey
But there is light at the end of tunnel
Just matter of time

Practice mindfulness that will help you with flash back and anxiety
Write a diary. Be grateful for small pleasures in life .having a good night sleep is a blessing in these hard days

I remember the time
Sinking heart feeling
Loneliness among the crowd
Feeling how stupid I was staying for so long and believing all the labels and diagnosis he gave me to satisfy his ego .

But it will slowly get better
Counselling
Inner healing and mindfulness exercises
Yoga
Walk.
Watching a movie
Reading book
Time with friends
Exercise
Pedicure
Spa day

Anything which makes you feel alive

Good luck

We are all here
Big hug and lots of prayers x*x

[swimfish]

Hi there, I’m in the same position as you, I’m just newly out of an incredibly manipulative relationship and although I do sometimes experience a feeling of being free at other times my heart leaps into my throat if I get a message on my phone or my doorbell rings, I was feeling frustrated at not feeling huge feelings of freedom but I’ve realised that I need to take time to sort if grieve the half decade I wasted in the relationship and not put so much pressure on myself to suddenly feel joyful and happy. The first time I went out by myself after the end of the relationship I was shaking and sweating so much but when I got home with the things that I had finally chosen just for me with my own money I felt such happiness that I had gone out. It’s not easy and I really have to go out again soon and I’m still super nervous and yes I mught not go out on the day I have planned gi but I know I will have a day again when I will just decide that I feel ok and I will pop out,please dont feel bad or like you are not doing something you feel you should, you just need to do you and as many many people on this forum remind us : baby steps x

[Anonymous]

Hi all, thank you for replying. I wrote this and then felt so ashamed of myself and embarrassed I deleted my account but now I feel so emotional I needed to talk to someone again. I told an official person that I was struggling with leaving the house, not to get help leaving it but because she said my abuser had clearly improved as there’d been no incidents. I said no I don’t leave so he can’t get to me. I got told by this official person that that wasn’t right and I couldn’t hide. He was winning that way and it was all part of the game for him. It’s not a game to me, it’s safety of me and my family. We leave the house still but I don’t make unnecessary journeys. I felt better for staying in, my head felt clearer and family life was better. I went out on a day I don’t feel comfortable and it was exhausting, I was looking over my shoulder constantly, my heart was racing, I was sweating, I felt sick, I felt uncomfortable and I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t feel like I’d benefited from going out so I’m going to continue to go out on safe days. I don’t care if it makes him look better. I need my mind and body intact

[Author]

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