Advice please…

[Shipoffools]

I’m just after some advice – it’s (detail removed by Moderator) yrs since I left my abusive marriage. I still struggle keeping the secret of my abuse from my children, who are now young adults. They’ve never asked me why me & their father separated. They probably believe it’s because I found out he was having an affair, which definitely was the final straw that gave me confidence to leave. My adult children are aware their father is not my most favourite person (tho I not s**g him off), nor I, he, but they have no idea to the extent of the abuse I was victim to. This secret has felt like a burden weighing me down for (detail removed by Moderator) years…most of the time I can keep it pushed into the back of my mind but every now & then it comes to the forefront. I have a good relationship with my adult children, I don’t want to loose that & risk either traumatising them or them not believing me. What should I do? Thank you

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Shipoffools

I think I recognise your name from sometime ok and hope you are doing well.

Unless you have some specific need to keep it quiet, then there’s no need for it to be a secret, or do any big exposure of it. It will naturally come up from time to time in some way, then you can be honest and state what happened to you, not ever name-calling or anything, but what you suffered during a particular incident. Or maybe if you were watching a film together, etc., and it comes up you could make a comment on something relevant and either pursue it further or not, depending on reactions.

So long as you are only talking about your experiences noone can deny them.I would be surprised if your now grown up children really only thought you separated due to the affair, unless they were very small when it happened, and there may be incidents that they need opportunities to talk about.

warmest wishes

ts

[Shipoffools]

Thank you TS for taking time to read & reply, yes it’s been a few years since I was last here….
I never discussed what happened to me with my 2 children, after we left (fled) my husband as they were pre teen age & I’d been raped & physically abused so not really child suitable conversation. Plus so much else was going on like finding a new home, new schools, a new job etc in a new area…I had told of my abuse to my divorce solicitor & to cafcass & my husband had strongly denied it & I was afraid if I mentioned anything to my boys & it got back to my husband (as he was questioning them in his contact time) that courts or solicitors would take a dim light of me for telling our children without ‘proof’….

[Twisted Sister]

I can completely understand why you would not speak of anything under your previous circumstances. I was very careful to not go into details, but much of what went on IS seen and heard by them, even if they don’t understand it, the seed of fear is planted, and even if they think its just against you, it will still have instilled fear of him in them too.

I think now, given that court proceedings are behind you and lives have moved on, that you all can have an honest relationship with them, you all know what it was like living with him and who he is, and there is no harm in asking how they are doing, or just waiting til things naturally occur. This is being free, and grown up, dealing with things honestly and openly. They are grown now and from what you’ve said, they actually didn’t enjoy their time with their father, unsurprisingly, shocking that he got any custody of them, but sadly its commonly so.

You are free of it now, all of you. I hope that you can all help with the healing for each other, and learning all the healthy boundaries so that the toxic abuses are left in the past.

warmest wishes

ts

[Llgirl]

How much child contact was he granted if you don’t mind me asking?

[Shipoffools]

My ex husband never let up gathering information fm the children & he waited til my youngest child got to the age old enough to choose which parent they want to live with (detail removed by Moderator) He’d especially convinced the elder child of the fantastic life he would have if they went to live with him & his new wife. I never mentioned my abuse on our (detail removed by Moderator) wknd contact, time was too precious & their life was controlled so they told him everything & again I feared loosing all contact. Only since both young adult children have left his home have I felt some relief they are finally away & safe. (detail removed by Moderator). One has told me he bitter regrets going to live with their Dad the other has said he never chose it was the judge who decided for them…

[Hazydayz]

Hello Shipoffools, I saw your name and thought…wow, why did you choose that? Back in the days before.
I’ve read your post and thought… I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, what your still going through. I read your reply and thought…yes, I can understand that. I’m just wondering…is your wrestling telling your grown up son’s the whole truth about what happened to you, what their father did to you, because you want to protect them still? From being deceived by their father, for what he really is! That pain you have inside will be there whether you tell them or not won’t it? Because you can’t forget and you’ll have what they are feeling to cope with also, but at the present time it is your torment not theirs. Ignorance is bliss they say don’t they, not always a good thing I agree, but I understand your need to disclose also. To try to protect them! To ensure they never follow his behaviour if influenced by him, you may well be thinking? (To hopefully, god forbid! protect other women? From suffering what you went through/are going through still) Yes he could well influence them, even as adults! But not if they are strong in themselves and have core values that I’m sure you have taught them. I can only say… My advice to you would be…think about what good would it do to tell them now? Ultimately, what harm could it possibly do to your relationship with them both? Even though it’s nothing you did but what was done to you back then. I’d be fearful of any backlash. Your sons could have troubled of the past as suggested to you, but they have each other to talk to and support each other, so as not to hurt you. They are both probably aware that they may be able to seek help with dealing with the past individually also, through councelling if necessary. Have they ever mentioned this? Perhaps gently ask that question of them, that might be useful for you to know before you decide your next step?
I wish you well resolving this for you all and peace for yourself lovely. ❤️

[Shipoffools]

TS thank you very much for continuing to read my posts & for your advice. (detail removed by Moderator). It has triggered me to want to get this d**n secret out in the open & out of the way, for a fresh new happy chapter….I was always an honest & open mum, but I chose to kept my domestic abuse fm my children to protect them, because I knew my husband denied it & I knew the children would be stuck in the middle getting their heads damaged in the process not knowingwhat to believe….so I took one for the team so to speak. I think I probably need a bit of counselling (I’ve had some in the past). I have felt keeping this secret inside has stopped me being as emotionally close to my children as I wanted. I’ve had to keep a guard up.
I honestly don’t know what my children heard when we were married. They certainly knew dad could be very grumpy, slamming doors, banging thing down etc (they didn’t know it was because he wanted sex & it was his way of blackmailing me into it. He knew I didn’t like the negative atmosphere around the boys,so I’d give him sex to stop his grumpy behaviour). He only phsyically & sexually abused me in our bedroom at night, when the boys were asleep in their own bedrooms.

Hazydays I was a huge (detail removed by Moderator) fan! Thank you for your advice. The last thing I want to do is hurt my boys, too. That’s why I’m worrying about my unburdening hurting them. They lived with him, without me there for (detail removed by Moderator)yrs & they’ve told me he was controlling, they had no freedoms in their teens years. But once they got to (detail removed by Moderator) he wanted them to move out. Covid lockdown bought them a couple for uncomfortable years but once things opened up they had to leave. (detail removed by Moderator)….

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