Advice please?? I don’t know what to do for the best

[Goonebetter]

hi, I could really do with a bit of advice on what to do in my current situation.. I’m at my wits end!

Basically I will cut a long story short, I’ve been in this abusive relationship for (detail removed by moderator) years and we have a baby. We are no longer together because he was emotionally bullying me, but then turned physically violent on a few occasions and I’d just had enough of it, I reported him to the police and left him.. which he then went to court and has been charged for what he did. Then stupidly after some time, I took him back. Which since he hasn’t been physical at all, but I am much more aware to the emotional and mental abuse he Has and still is putting me through. He doesn’t support me financially, has cheated on me and is so vebably abusive to me, calls me every name under the sun and constantly provokes me during arguments etc etc.

Yet again I’ve had enough and left him, I’ve been communicating with him by email. He’s so up and down with me, one minute calling me all kinds of things and forcing guilt into me, the next he says how sad he is and doesn’t want it to be this way. I’ve told him that from now on I really don’t want to be a part of the hand overs with our son, I’ve said I will happily take and collect our son from his parents (where he lives) and that he needs to do the same with my parents when I’m at work. This is because I just don’t trust him at all, i don’t want the arguements and I don’t want him to come to my house and provoke anything between us. I don’t trust his intentions and I just feel for my own sanity it’s best I don’t see him!

He has massively kicked off about this, completely refusing as he hasn’t seen my parents since our last split earlier this year, that it’s unreasonable to him to go there and won’t do that under any circumstances. I really don’t think what I’m suggesting is unreasonable, after all everything he puts me through day in day out is unreasonable for me! I also have another child from a previous relationship and I don’t want him to witness any of this anymore.

So after days of him bombarding me with emails about how he won’t do it and insulting me, he has emailed (detail removed by moderator) saying that he won’t go to court or through a contact centre (even though that was his suggestion and has been threatening it for months), and because it’s apparently going to cost so much we should come up with another solution. He is just demanding that it’s me, and I just really don’t want to 🙁

What should I do?? Should I keep standing my ground and refuse to do it? Should I report him for sending me so many emails to me when I’ve asked him a few days ago to stop the contact unless he will go to my parents house? I don’t want to feel guilty, or like I’m being dramatic! But I’m just trying my hardest to move on for the sake of me and the kids as I can’t live the rest of my life like this.

Please and advice I would be grateful for!
Thanks in advance x

[Anonymous]

Your not being dramatic, there are so many ladies on here that are going through the same thing and I did too, very recently. Keep all the texts as evidence. Go to see a solicitor and insist on contact centre only and third party for emails. Its all about them unfortunately and they don’t want to admit anything(as going to a contact centre is an admission of guilt and admitting wrong doing) My advice would be keep all evidence, contact centre and stay strong on that and go as minimum contact as you can preferably in the centre. Have you read ;
Transforming the Response to Domestic Abuse
Consultation
Response from Women’s Aid Federation of England

Womens aid are putting this to the government in the next few weeks. The sydtem is changing but its up to us stand up for our rights for safe child contact xx 🙂 DIY

[KIP.]

You are absolutely doing the right thing for your health and that of your children. Abusers are bullies. Nothing you do will ever satisfy him becaus he need to retain the control. What you are suggesting is perfectly reasonable and any court would back you. He is lucky you are still allowing himaccess and domestic abuse is taken very seriously especially if the children witness this. It’s actually classed as child abuse. So by not having contact with the father you are actually protecting your children. Sadly these men often want to use the children purely to retain the chance to abuse the mother. I would bend over backwards for access to my child. It wouldn’t matter if I collected him from grand parents or a contact centre. I would move heaven and earth. These men just constantly put obstacles in the way. Continue to disrup the lives of their exes and children. Ring Rights for Women for free legal advice. Set out a regular access agreement and don’t deviate. Meantime it would be good to get something legal in place in case he d3cides not to return your child out of spite. Absolutely zero contact with an abuser is the only way. You can not negotiate. A contact book can be left with the child for any communication needed regarding welfare. I think you would be well within your rights to fight for him to have no contact with his child too. Don’t let him emotionally abuse you by threatening to have nothing to do,with his child. In my experience this would be the best scenario. Abusers will emotionally abuse their children at the earliest opportunity and run down the mother as soon as they’re old enough to,listen. Contact your local women’s aid x

[Anonymous]

Womens aid are putting this forward; “The court system still favours contact at all costs, this puts victims at risk of further abuse. This
needs to be addressed first & foremost, but in the absence of this then monitoring perpetrators
will hopefully give some protection to victims, but sadly not their children, who are victims too.”
 “Child contact gets used as a vehicle for continuing the abuse of the mother. This must stop.
Making breach of a DAPO an automatic criminal offence needs power of arrest attached and
solid action taken against the perpetrator by police and CPS.”
Women’s Aid member services agreed that DAPOs should be able to prohibit certain behaviours –
particularly in terms of prohibiting contact and exclusion zones. Fewer members, however, that
DAPO’s should prohibit offenders from taking alcohol or drugs, with comments stating that it would
be extremely difficult to enforce these prohibitions. Our members broadly agreed that that the courts
should be able to attach positive requirements to a DAPO – such as requirements to attend parenting
programmes, perpetrator programmes, and complete drug and alcohol treatment. Commenting on
this question, members made clear that: completion, rather than just attendance, of programmes
must be a requirement; programmes must have been evaluated to be effective and achieve specific
outcomes; and these requirements must also be accompanied by support for victims.

[Anonymous]

What KIP is saying is spot on I had less that this going on and I got a no contact order in place to protect my kid form him xx It was a decision that will benefit our future relationship and her emotional health. Kids first xx DIY

[Goonebetter]

Thanks so much for taking the time to help!

We went to (detail removed by moderator) because social services advised me to take out a prohibited steps order, I’ve now got this and also his residency is to live with me. CAFCAS also did their final report and said that they would suggest to use a third party for contact. He also has regular meetings with a probation officer for the offence he got charged with, so if we do end up at court I’m really not afraid of what the outcome will be as I think he has a lot going against him to be honest.

I’ve tried so hard to be civil with him but I just really need to stop being naive I think, I struggle to get it into my head that he is an abuser and I need to do what I can to avoid him. I have no doubts about him with our son, I really don’t think he would do anything to harm him.. I don’t know if that’s naive of me or not. I do trust him when it comes to looking after him, I just think it’s me that he’s angry at. For so long he has accused me of doing things I’m not guilty of, he wouldn’t even trust me going to the shop to get milk. If I did he would ask why would I want to go and take my phone with me, when sometimes it’s just nice to go to he shop yourself for 10 minutes without children! And taking my phone with me is just a normal thing to do in this day of life isn’t it??

He is ridiculously manipulative, but now trying to turn the tables onto me saying I’m the control freak and I’m a bully.

I even have emails from his ex partner before me saying how he is a “controlling evil manipulative bully, not to mention physically abusive”. I know it was wrong of me to snoop through his emails but I just knew in my gut that I was right about this not being the first time to be so horrible to someone.

[Anonymous]

Mother to mother yes your being naive. Would you be willing to let a bully have access alone with your child in any other circumstance? Bullies don’t change he will manipulate your boy amd inevitably yurn him against you. It happens it happened to me. I have two kids one of them is completely brain washed against me. Don’t take that gamble as its heart breaking xx

[KIP.]

If you ignore the fact that he is the father of your child. Would you hand your child to a stranger with the same history as him. Being a biological parent does not mean anything for abusers. You admit that it’s you he’s angry with. What better way to hurt you than by hurting your child. Please be very careful. He sounds extremely dangerous to be around a child. Any child. You’re still traumatised by abuse and not thinking straight. Yes, it’s normal to take your phone to the shops. I take mine to the bath. Doubting your own behaviour is a sure sign you’re not recovered. Rely on the advice of professionals. If they say no contact with the father. Believe me it must be bad. Hang in there. Ring the helpline number on here for a chat, they are great ladies who will listen and give you good advice x

[Goonebetter]

Thank you both for being so honest, it’s a bitter pill to swallow but I know I definitely haven’t recovered from what he’s done as it’s still so fresh. My own mom keeps telling me that I’ve been through more in the last (detail removed by moderator) years than people do in a life time and I’m finding it very hard to accept this is the truth if I’m completely honest. I don’t like to burden people with my problems or thoughts because I don’t want to seem crazy like he’s making me out to be, but quite frankly I know myself better than that and I refused to be bullied anymore. I will definitely give the helpline a ring tonight, I’m fully aware that I need to get my head out of the muddy water and change the way I’m looking at things even more than I have already. Maybe it’s a case of learning how to emotionally detach myself, but I know I’ll get there as I’m so determined to change mine and the kids lives for the better.

Really appreciate your advice!x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, once you do emotionally detached you’ll mentally detach also, Look up trauma bonding and the book why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. We search and search as to why our oh is the way he is, once we find out the truth then we have the choice what we do with that information.
You will get so much support from us and also from WA themselves. Keep posting and reading others posts, it will help you find the strength you need. 💜

Take care
IWMB 💕💕

[KIP.]

Good books….
Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven
Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft

Google
Cycle of abuse
Cognitive dissonance
Gaslighting

And be very kind to yourself. It’s beyond devastating to realise that someone you loved and you thought loved you in return has just been abusing you. Baby steps. It’s gets better. Keep moving forward 💐

[Anonymous]

I hope you are ok you have already been through alot, it can stop now if that’s ho you want this to go. Read 21 homicides by womens aid, children and mum’s have been actually killed due to unsafe contact.

You can work on detaching yourself for example I did a job where I saw really upsetting stuff. I was coming home in tears and I new if I didn’t learn to detach I would have to seek out a new career. I focused on my sign for home the name of my town, when I reached the border that was home life and the other side was work life. I conciously separated them. What I’m saying is concentrate on being the best mum you can be.Concentrate on your boy he only needs one good parent to make things secure and happy. Take responsibility by either stopping contact or having supervised contact. There’s even indirect contact letters etc.His life is his don’t feel responsiblefor him, leave him In His own selfish world. Honestly that’s the best advice I can give you. Put your guilt to the side because your doing thd right thing in being a good protective parent ☺xx best wishes and a hug xx DIY 💕

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