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    • #10202
      Nomorenomore
      Participant

      I have been calling the helpline for days but it seems to be a busy period. That fact is pretty sad that there is lots of us in the same boat. However I wondered if I could get some help on here please?

      My husband as been physically very violent (described in another post) and I’m getting lightbulb moments over controlling behaviour that has been going on for well over a decade. I keep getting ping moments of oh my goodness that is controlling again. Things like if I don’t want to go to church ( I actually like going but I was too tired at the time) he would be moody and sulky and one time threw me out on to the street shouting swear word names at me. I nearly broke my neck as I was wearing heels. I remembered he would sulk and be irritable about anything that he didn’t get his own way about. Anyway he is trying to change. I have had to be strong. One time on the way to do charity work in the name of Jesus he was screaming at me so loud in the car that other drivers were blasting their horns at him to make him stop. We arrived at the place we should have been and o carried on with the coffee morning. I guess I was in denial about how bad it was getting until he tried to kill me. My father was very similar although not as violent he would be manipulative with guilt and moodiness. Sigh I guess I’m text book…..all these years this was going on I would raise money for women’s aid as I felt sorry for these poor women. How could I not see I was one of them. Sorry for rambling. Back to the point. If he screws up and hits me again he is out. Where do I find out what financial situation I will be in? I have done benefits check up but I have a mortgage and don’t work (he is the only earner as I have 4 small children) how would I manage? Would I sell the house and go into housing association properties? Thanks

    • #10214
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hey Hun

      Well done for posting , do continue to try calling women’s aid , leave message daily if u have to u will get call bk eventually .when we have kids we do worry about how we will survive , with me abuae got so bad I couldn’t even think straight , I managed to raise deposit for rent house I was lucky I was working , I would get in contact with haven and speak to housing options , u need to speak
      To an advisor to see where u would stand , u need support to guide u , u can do this , go to your gp and log abuse , ask for which agencies can help u, help is available . As u have kids u can have him removed from house and I get to stay in house u need to complete an occupancy order which is free to download

    • #10220
      Nomorenomore
      Participant

      Thanks I just realised I came across as some kind of religious w****o I’m not honest. I just like doing charity work and helping people and I guess I thought if I have values like that I might be happy. It didn’t work. The reference to it was how ironic there we are trying to show care to people when on the way to the event he is screaming so badly at me other drivers are trying to help. Do you know what’s odd though….I carried on with the coffee morning. When he kissed me and said sorry I felt relived and was happy to get on with the day. When he beat me so badly recently that I honestly though my Holden would be waking up to a dead mother I still had friends around for dinner. Put make up on my bruises and smiled while making small talk. No one had any idea. That’s weird don’t you think. I don’t know why I did that. Thanks for the advice. It’s nice to know someone is listening. I tried to talk to my sister today but she wasn’t really interested so I didn’t carry on x

    • #10221
      Nomorenomore
      Participant

      Children not Holden sorry

    • #10224
      Nomorenomore
      Participant

      Ps confused….I’m sorry the abuse got so bad for you. Thanks for your support xx

    • #10231
      godschild
      Participant

      Hi nomorenomore, I have carried on and covered up many may times abuot abuse, so understand how you did it.
      Also when my mom died I gave a lot of her things to a womens refuge for ladies setting up home after leaving and I never classed myself like them I used the word Domestic voilence but never acknowleged that that was happening to me.
      Its only been this last episode of 8 weeks of it that ive really realised thats what it is and you look back and can then see the real truth. I am so sensitive now to any small controlling word or act, I just can’t cover it up anymore, its painfull and hard to see the truth, but fully understand where you are coming from, we live in denial then it all seems to come into reality and its shocking to see it all so clearly .

    • #10248
      Ayanna
      Participant

      In your case it does not matter who works. You are the mother of four small children. We have a safeguarding issue here. For this reason he will have to leave and you stay in the house. He will have to pay support money for you and your children. If the mortgage is not affordable anymore you can sell and you will get a council house as not working and with four underage children. It is not as easy as it sounds, but roughly that is the process. Make sure social services are involved because they are crucial for your housing. If he attacks you again call the police and get an occupational and non molestation order. That is the end of him then. You can also ring Rights of Women, use their call back function. Good luck! Show him who the boss is! x*x

    • #10260
      Confused123
      Participant

      HEY hUN

      Was trying to reply last night but i couldnt log back in , like a lot if us we all go into denial and put this brill fake face on where we beleive everything is ok , we actually fool ourselves and play split personality game without realizing,admitting and moving forward is for the best, get counselling to help u understand your feelings,i didnt even admit to myself after leaving that it was bad , i had to have counselling

    • #10277
      Nomorenomore
      Participant

      Thanks Ayanna, godschild and confused123. Your advice was really appreciated. It’s fading so I’m beginning to think I’m not in a domestic abusive situation so I’m really glad I actually posted what happended to me. It helps to remind myself why I must set my standard higher in how I’m going to be treated. I’m letting him do his thing with counselling etc but something inside me has changed. It’s slowly slowly clicking into place how far I have come from who I really am. I can’t blame it all on him I have to accept some responsibility. It must of been pretty rubbish to see a woman who once travelled the world was motivated and took care in her appearance turn into what I had become. Taking anti depressants not leaving the house losing motivation. Maybe he did that to me but maybe I did it myself and his frustration made the abuse worse….I don’t know? I do know that I am starting to find
      Myself again. I feel the fire of who I am is coming back. Slowly slowly I’m realising thanks to the advice here that I don’t have to live my life based on someone else’s happiness or moods. I can choose a happy life by myself. Hope this feeling stays. Sending love to us all x

    • #10284
      godschild
      Participant

      I know how you feel re something inside you has changed this has happened to me after the last session of abuse. Try to get yourself a support worker, I have mine by phone due to disabilities but they really help yo to see what is going on, , abuse can be very subtle at times and the control. On saturday mine became more gentle and different and I felt sucked back into the cycle of him being nice until the next time, I almost felt helpless over how I felt, but by sunday he spoke to me quite harshly and I know that unless he comes out of denial and starts to see the truth of how he has treated me for decades it will not change. I have started to write down all the things he has done for years and the support woker raelly helps, Im seeing just how utterley selfish he has been to me for so long, they twist your mind so much and you stand for it and stand for it , excuse it and put up with it, not really realising how bad it is until you get to a certian stage and its hard to acknowledge the pain of what they have done to you and you may feel its not so bad at times because it has been a pattern , thats why you need to stay on here and try to get a support worker tto keep you in reality of it all x

    • #10308
      Nomorenomore
      Participant

      You are right godschild. It does feel like it’s not that bad. When I look back on the recent years though every weekend and holiday has been ruined by his moodiness. Even if it hasn’t been physical there has normally been some kind of verbal abuse. I have never had a holiday in (detail removed by moderator) years where there wasn’t an incident of verbal abuse or a couple of black days where he would be mean. Normally waits till I’m wearing a bikini to say “we” should really get to the gym together. I’m not obese but I did have (detail removed by moderator) children. I’m normal slim size but just not super skinny like when I met him. To be honest I realise I comfort eat when he is mean to me. Even though I am not fat. In anger he calls me a fat c***t. Once he said that we had to do a weigh in together. I said no and he got really angry. I was (weight removed by moderator)at the time so hardly in need of an intervention. This was just after my second child. He would get moody if I didn’t go to the gym so I would drive and sit in the car for an hour pretending I had been. That’s really controlling isn’t it I didn’t realise at the time.

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