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Hi ladies. Just would like some advice. After an episode of verbal and physical abuse how do you deal with it? I am subjected to the abuse when I tell him how I don’t like his temper after he’s (detail removed by moderator) and had a strop and gone on and on. I can’t help it I should keep my mouth shut but I tell him how he can’t behave the way he does. So I got it. Now he has said I mustn’t talk to him message him do anything for him. He is keeping his distance. I’m expecting him to want to play the victim soon and tell me he can’t go on like this he’ll do something stupid that I can’t talk to him the way I do. That’s the pattern. I can’t say anything about the way he behaves there is never any accountability and the reasons I become like I do. How do you deal with this? Do you just listen and go along with it? I do t want to hear his victim story. But if I do t I carry it on. I feel like I’m d****d if I do d****d if I don’t and can’t express myself. I get angry that he never refers to his behaviour just the way I have been. It makes no sense to me. Sorry for the post just wanted to know how others deal with things. Thank you xx
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At first I used to try and talk to him or do something nice for him but it was never good enough and I’d end up feeling worse. I’d Google things that could be wrong with me, us. After time I started to do my own thing, enjoy the silence, watch iPad/read in bed – there was a limit to what I could do but this felt good enough, I’d leave him to decide when the stonewalling was over, wait for him to talk first. Then I started to notice the patterns to this. Each time he’d renegade with me I’d say we need to talk but he never ever engaged in that or if he did, it was so he could twist the words and throw them back. You hit the nail on the head when you said it makes no sense, it’s not what/how we expect these things to be and as you learn more about abuse you see it in a different light and realise why it’s so hard. Good luck xx
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I’m not sure I’m a good person to advise, I would avoid “conversations” as much as I could. Bury my head in the sand. try to carry on as normal. But eventually the conversation would have to happen and why must he always bring these conversations up. But then the only way these ever ended for years was me saying I’d try better, I’d do more, we would be intimate more! But I see now it looks like that was the cycle of abuse and at the same time I actually question is it really! Not sure does that make any sense. So I would try like bananaboat said, go to bed cause I wanted to, read my book or just go to sleep cause I was ready to. But that wasn’t right by him either. It’s hard to know what’s right or wrong.
I would just try and enjoy the quieter times when I had them, but then after a while I would be bracing myself for the next eruption and blame game episode. -
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Tbh I never had that , if I tried to walk away or stay silent he would literally hunt me down down in every room of the house until I did start reacting back to him , to me he just loved the drama and attention be it good or bad . He never gave me space at all , it was constant picking , abuse , control , it got physical in the end . I wish I could of sat down as a couple to discuss, but when I tried to he just blamed the alcohol in his case , no responsibility, no change , played the victim and how vulnerable he is , blah , blah , blah . Tbh in the end I just switched off to him , I started to detach myself away from him , went cold , couldn’t be bothered to enter any more of his tantrums . If you can walk away from it and he doesn’t look for reaction then I would ignore everything make him think you don’t care , no reaction is the best reaction. I wouldn’t even try for a conversation, let him come to you and speak calmly with respect.
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Yes, can relate to the being followed from room to room. Sometimes even when you walk away and try not to engage, they just won’t let it go. Won’t let you go.
There’s no reasoning with them. You can’t have a calm grown up discussion, because they act like a spoilt child having a tantrum.
It is best to walk away if you can, but it doesn’t always guarantee peace. Sometimes the very fact that you have turned your back on them in order to leave the argument is enough to ensure they follow you to carry it on.
Sometimes leaving is the only option, but we all know it isn’t that easy.
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Thank you all so much. I have both the stonewalling and being followed from room to room looking for a reaction. What I find difficult that is that if I try and calm things it doesn’t work so I wait for him to calm and talk. The thing is I don’t want to listen. It’s the same thing. I’m to blame he’s the victim. He never sees or acknowledges how I see things. It’s one rule so I listen and find myself crying saying sorry. He tells me I’m doing this and that yet he does exactly the same to me. If I react he gets violent. It’s a total head messxx
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Sounds so much like my ex. I’m sorry he is abusing you so badly. You are trying to appease the aggressor but unfortunately they just don’t think like us so no matter what you do or say it will be wrong or not good enough. It is him not you – you just can’t reason with them and in my experience they get worse. Can you reach out for support – womens aid? GP? Family or friends. Can you make a plan to leave safely? When I realised it was abuse I still appeased him to keep myself as safe as I could be but in my head almost like an observer I would think this is gaslighting this is coercion this is playing the victim etc etc it gave me clarity so I could start the journey to leave. You deserve to live free from this x*x
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Breethe slowly and calmly block out his noise his shouting his nasty words know that you are not the things he calls you that he is the abuser and is trying his best to hurt you dont let him.
My counsellor says this
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A narc a bully an abuser wants and needs feeding in irder for them to feel they can bite you they feel justified dont feed the beast.
This is what i say over and over in my head when mine starts dont feed the beast.
I count in my head I slow down my breething i ignore his comments i walk away if he follows me or shouts louder i walk away again I dont argue i dont ask i dont question.
I used to all the time and ok some days when im not strong i still do ask but they will never ever accept what they do is wrong you will never ever win or get an apology nor will you shut them up so why bother why feed them by argueing?
Dont feed the beast. -
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