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Hi, does anyone have any advice from experience to do with the children, things they wished they’d done, or not done, when they were leaving? preparing to leave? and afterwards? Legal and otherwise? Got a solicitor meeting tomorrow and want to make sure I cover everything as the time is coming close to pressing the button. I’ve just realised I don’t know much about child contact and what’s expected, how it plays out, and how your approach affects the courts decision. If that makes sense? I mean I’ve been told that if I don’t do something about his abuse I could be accused of child abuse (i.e. by not removing them from the situation – I don’t think its true (detail removed by Moderator) but still, it is a common thing people say)…but then I’ve also heard that courts encourage contact between children and the parent who has abused too.
Hoping to apply for an Occupation Order based on the effects of the children, as well as me. Don’t want it to turn into a custody battle but have no idea how he’ll react. I’ve always felt I don’t want to stand between him and children but during lockdown I have seen definite bullying of one child and favouritism to the other. I don’t know what would happen if I wasn’t there.
Any advice, I have no idea what to do. Or how to prepare.
Thank you. x -
You are being far too organised and helpful!
Due to his abusive behaviour towards you and the children you are not going to be able to have everything in place before you leave. Your first priority is the leaving; how you are going to leave safely and where to go.
Once you have left, you can then sort out contact visits. To be honest, let him instigate that, he may not do it straight away, which means it gives you more time to adapt to your new life and settle the children in a new home before they start going to and fro every other weekend. Will he be bothered to have contact?
If he is bothered, and you are willing for him to have the children on his own, then the Contact Order can be drawn up easily by consent. The usual default contact is Mum is resident parent and Dad has every other weekend Friday night to Sunday night and every Wednesday night. This gives each parent a full weekend every other weekend with the children and a one night a week visit for Dad. So on Wednesday he would pick them up from school in the afternoon and drop them back to school Thursday morning. Every other Friday he would pick them up from school in the afternoon, then drop them back to you on the Sunday evening either himself or via a third party if you didn’t want him coming to your new place. If you wanted, you could agree to Friday night to Monday morning and he drop them back to school on Monday morning. School holidays are usually alternated a week about and the summer holidays 3 weeks each. Even if he becomes amenable, still get a Court Order drawn up to get this formalised, it protects your children about who has them and when.
Do you feel confident that the children will be cared for calmly and appropriately by him alone for a whole weekend? That is another thing you need to consider.
The matter will only become more complicated if he was to want something you didn’t want, such as 50/50 shared care one week about, so he’d have Sunday night to Sunday night one week and you have them the next, or he wanted to be the Resident Parent and you have the contact. So trying to sort this out with him before you leave is likely to be impossible as he is uncooperative with you as it is.
When you speak to your solicitor, you can certainly let them know you are happy for contact to be had and tell them what your preference would be. Then when you have left, if he instructs a solicitor then his solicitor can liaise with yours and agreements may be made that can become a Consent Order.
Depending on how he takes it when you leave will depend on his behaviour. He will either ‘punish’ you by dragging you through the courts to prolong matters and make it more expensive for you, or he will agree to something. As these men are unpredictable in many ways, plan for the worst scenario. He may not even be bothered to see the children. If he decides he only wants contact with one of the children and not the other… well, the Judge will see that in a particular way as to what sort of character they are dealing with.
Plan what sort of contact you will be happy with and what you think the children can cope with, tell your solicitor your plan, but don’t expect anything to be in place before you actually leave. For now, leaving is the important part to focus on.
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Ha! I know, wouldn’t try to, I just like to know what’s coming, no more surprises, tired of the unknown! Don’t want to be wrong footed, side-swiped further down the line if panic, anxiety and exhaustion sets in afterwards. Which i’m expecting. Want to have at least thought about it.
Thanks a lot, that’s great, just what I was wondering.
x -
I think both is true ILT, if services get involved and it becomes apparent to them that the woman is being physically abused, then she is at risk of the losing the children if she doesn’t leave him. There are cases where the children go to live with a relative sometimes and if there is no one in the family willing to do this then the child/children could enter care. In reality, I think once you live in different homes, the risk to the children is viewed as low to gone – as the harm is perceived as being through them witnessing violence.
In family court, all fathers have the right to a relationship with their child and the child has a right to a relationship with the father, the only exceptions to this are if he has been caught physically or sexually abusing the child or if there has been severe neglect. Even the most hardened, psychopathic criminals will get access to their children if they want it, and those charged with beating their ex partner to a pulp too, most likely supervised contact, but access none the less.
My advice would be, if it looks like he’s going to be unreasonable, uncooperative and argue everything, appears he will put you all through court, then get the arrangement in place how you want/need it to be, might be third party comms only, third party changeovers, once every other weekend to start at mid day Saturday after their swimming lessons say, whatever it is that will work best for the children, keeping in mind and showing you are also considering they need time with dad – providing you feel this is safe of course – because causing the least disruption to the childrens routines and how it is already at the this time will hold a lot of weight. If you have third party comms in place then it is unlikely a court will change this, especially when there is DA, so this can then be included in the order or in an undertaking.
If it were me I would give him the opportunity to be reasonable first, but that said, you also know him better than anyone and safety must come first everytime – you may feel you can’t give him any opportunity to be reasonable as it simply won’t happen. Some women need an arrangements order for protection, so he has to adhere to the set times and whatever else is within this.
I always gave him access, consistantly, but once he found out he could take me to court he did – to put me through the stress and distress – and for control – to continue the harrassment – and to try and maintain his BS public image.
I always took my lead from my child, went for how she wanted / needed it to be – operated with integrity – considered everyone – however badly he behaved I adjusted to this – pulling back further and further – this approach never let me down. Sadly we now have no contact at all, she sees him every other week; all comms and changeovers are done via a third party. The Our Family Wizard is quite good – you might want to consider this – it can put a stop to the blame among other benefits.
I can say that family court proceedings are utterly dreadful and prolonged, therefore, should always be avoided if possible; sometimes this is not possible with an abuser; but bare this in mind, it absolutely needs to be the last resort.
Hope you get him out soon – much better for you and the children if you can stay put – when this is possible x
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