Advice to cope with emotions when leaving behind his back

[gettingtired]

There is a date coming up where partner should be out for the entire day and well into the evening which will give me plenty of time to move all of my belongings out without him being there or knowing. 
Although I am so sick, tired and anxious now of how he makes me feel (when things are bad), I am still finding the thought of leaving behind his back somewhat terrifying. 

Without saying too much, there is a time limit on me leaving before I get pushed into a commitment with him. So this date is my opportunity to go before that happens but I keep looking at the calendar and freaking out when I count down the weeks until the date. 
He has already demanded I tell him now if I don’t want to be with him etc before this commitment happens so I’m already feeling like if I was to then leave behind his back, I would be made to look like a liar or that I was stringing him along (which I’m regularly accused of doing). He’s also threatened that I better not drop out at the last minute.

How do you cope leading up to a leaving date? I keep thinking there will be a moment where I’ll know that will be the last time I see him, see our home etc. The last time I have physical contact like a hug from him (which I no longer really want to engage in as feel like it’s not genuine) but still. It’s all playing on my mind. All of this with him having no idea and thinking I’ll be there to collect him at the end of the day. 🤯 How will I function before? Or force myself to go ahead with it? I’m worried I’ll be too afraid to do it when the time comes.

I’ve also no idea how to tell him I’ve left once I’ve moved out. I know I’ll be too scared to block him because he’ll be bombarding me. I’m worried about how he will react. 

Throughout the day now I go through different thoughts and feelings. From feeling elated at the thought of having my own life away from him, being able to do whatever I please to feeling despair at the thought of leaving him and never seeing him again or being able to talk.

I know this is probably normal but I’m not sure how to help myself in going ahead with moving out on that date and would appreciate any advice if there’s anyone else here who has left in secret. 

[Darcy]

Hi my beautiful Angel… gettingtired,
It is understandable that you are feeling like this as this is going to be a moment that changes your life.
Keep visulising the freedom you are going to have and start to actually feel how that will feel to you. Remember fear and excitement feel the same in the body so turn that fear feeling into excitement for your new life.
It is hard that you are not able to leave with out discussing it with him, but as with my own leaving situation this wasn’t an option and they give you no choice.
At the end of the day this is your life and you have a choice how you want to live it.
Leading up to your leaving date get grounded, deeply rooted so you cannot be swayed by any niggling thoughts or by anybody. This opportunity has been gifted to you and it is your choice now to take it or not, the power is with you.
If you feel it is the right thing to do you could leave him a note, but I would keep it brief and matter of fact, and make sure you write it from an empowered point of view and not as his victim. I would cut contact with him after that and explain that you are doing this in the note so he knows the boundaries you are now setting. That doesn’t mean he won’t try but it’s just reinforcing it to yourself more than anything that you are done with this relationship.
His ego will be very bruised so expect some kind of ‘fireworks’ so make sure you have gone to a safe place and don’t share the details with to many people.
If you think he is likely to do something I would contact the police and just give them the heads up, that way if anything does happen they will be on alert when you call again. I would do the same at your place of work if you have one.
This moment has been gifted to you though my darling, so be brave and be strong and go live the life you deserve… your freedom is just around the corner, its time for you to shine.
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx

[gettingtired]

Thank you. I am stuck in this guilt trap where when he’s ‘normal’ (like today) I feel too bad and like I won’t be able to do it. Yesterday when he was being unpleasant to me it felt a lot easier to imagine doing. I can’t seem to get myself out of this guilt trap. I won’t be able to leave a physical note as I think he will be expecting me to collect him (again which adds to my guilt) so I’d have to send a message. Honestly, even thinking about it makes me feel unwell. I haven’t even told my family yet which is another huge anxiety of mine because I’d need to tell them before to help me move to theirs.
I never, ever thought I would be in this situation where the only real option would be to leave in secret.
I am very inspired by you and the other amazing women here but I feel like that will never really be me x*x

[Darcy]

P.S … It can be done … I am living proof of this.
Draw strength from me and all the other ladies who have left on here and give hope to the ladies who are trying to xx

[iliketea]

I was advised by a wonderful woman on here to think about it as going on holiday. Pack for that! It even led me to buy a load of new nail varnish, which I hadn’t done for ages, painted my nails the night before, planned, got excited, had no idea about the place where I was going so I had a lot of worry about that too. It makes it feel less serious, less dodgy, less scary, less everything and something to look forward to – a fresh start and the rest of your life living safely and free from power and control. It really did switch my thinking just like that. Fingers crossed it helps for you too. xx I even bought a magazine for that night, and a treat to eat.

[gettingtired]

Thank you. I wish I was as brave as you. At the moment I feel like I’m trying to block it out as much as I can (which is probably a bad idea). It’s only easier for me to think about doing it when he’s being abusive, as soon as he’s doing ‘normal’, I just feel guilty again x

[Newst@rt]

I am also proof that you can do this. In the run up to leaving my counselor told me to focus on taking care of myself, to eat small, nourishing meals if I didn’t have an appetite, and to try and get enough sleep. I planned my future and dreamed of all the things I’d be free to do. If you can try and block him out, focus on exactly what you need to do to get through this. When I fled I moved to a different country with my children and had to focus on getting passports and notifying the school, and focusing on all the different steps I needed to take also helped. Sending you love and strength. You can get through this and one day you’re life will be so different and you’ll look back and feel so proud of yourself. You can do this.

[gettingtired]

Thank you. That was so brave of you to do with children and moving countries.
I honestly don’t know if I can do it. He was horrible to me yesterday so I was feeling stronger but today he’s been back to ‘normal’ so I begin to think leaving him would be so unfair! Part of me seems to not want to think about it and block it all out. It’s so difficult x

[Newst@rt]

If you haven’t already read about the cycle of abuse, it may help you to see your relationship more clearly. It is normal to doubt yourself as he has likely destroyed your confidence and stopped you from trusting your instincts. Even now years later I have to remind myself that it WAS abuse x

[Camel]

Hi GT

You’ve really come a long way to have set a date for leaving. Blocking it from your mind until then is probably a good idea, if you have everything in place. I hope you’ll have people with you on the day?

Isn’t it odd the things we feel guilty about? You’re worried that he (a fully grown adult) will have to find his own way home. You’re worried he’ll think you’ve been stringing him along. Even though you’re not going to be named on the new lease. You talk as though leaving behind his back is a choice – but you know he’d physically bar the exit if he could. Or wear you down with promises and threats and tears.

I know you’re terrified of what might happen. I get it, I really do. You’ve spent years anticipating what he will do, what mood he will be in, what you need to do to smooth things over. These are years in which you’ve given scant regard to your own needs, feelings, wants, desires, hopes and dreams. Remind yourself daily that it’s not selfish to put yourself first. Whenever you start to worry about how he’s feeling or coping, remind yourself that you are not responsible for him. In fact, you never were. Whenever you start to feel guilty, or feel that you owe him, remind yourself of all those years you never failed to put him first. All those years he put himself first too. Who was thinking about you?

Keep strong xx

[Author]

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