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    • #12105

      So I have ended my (detail removed by moderator) year relationship with my boyfriend. He has disliked my family as they have done things in the past which was moved on from (my brother got annoyed and claimed my bf doesn’t let me drink, this was cleared up immediately and have all had good times together since) but the main boiling point was we had a big fight after I had friends down and I was drunk and he kept calling me names because I’d left the place untidy, he’d been picking on me all day asking me to stop sitting on my arse even though I’d been cleaning up stairs, telling me to make sure my friend and brother were looking to leave by 11pm and make sure they leave over some food (that I’d bought for them coming down) after my friends left he was calling me a f*ckin scruff, which hurt me and I was drunk aswell This escalated to an argument and I raised my voice then he pushed me off the couch. I fell on the floor and said I can’t believe you did that that’s domestic violence. His response was leave your key I’m not having someone stay who is making false accusations rather than him asking was I ok. The morning after I tried to talk he still wanted me to leave, I returned and we spoke about it and resolved it (me apologising for antagonising him even though I didn’t deserve it) after this I tried to talk about something that had upset for some time, the fact my bf makes constant hurtful remarks about family and I asked him to stop he then became p****d at me and justified it because of previous things they’d done and saying I stand up for them and never for him, which is not true. He then blackmailed me with information about my relative, that I told him in confidence told me if I didn’t call my family horrible names and not speak to them he would share this info and he wanted me to swear in front of his friends I wouldn’t contact my family, so he had witnesses. I begged him on my knees not to do this as it could ruin the relationship between me and my sister and he called me embarrassing for begging. I followed him trying to plead and touching his arm and he told me get off me don’t touch me.. He said things about having my brother and dad battered and tied up with binbags on their head if they tried to argue against him then asked me to imagine seeing them like that, he also said he’d punch my dad one step closer to a heart attack. Which he knows is my biggest fear. Prior to this argument hes often called me lazy c**t, ooze stupidity, f**king moron over the little things. Also mood turns quickly and he would tell me to stay at my parents (leave the house we both live in and pay for) I ended the relationship, he was very cool at first but weeks on he’s now apologising and begging which has now turned to him saying I have left him struggling with money and work, that I’ve left because he’s finally cleared my debt!! He obviously can’t see its the betrayal of trust and disrespect that made me leave. I do love him and we had some great times and he’s great in many ways very helpful taking me to and from work but I have been hurt and believe it’s unforgivable what he said, he has said he done this because of how my family have acted in the past justifying his actions. I’m sorry for rambling! It’s been a couple of weeks now and he’s written a lovely letter but now harassing me by email even though I have clearly and nicely asked to be left alone to let my mind rest. I just want an opinion to see if I’ve done the right thing? He obviously has his side of the story but I have never done anything to intentionally hurt him, I always looked after him the best I could. But felt like I irritated him a lot.. I was unwell with a chest infection once and he asked me to stay at my parents because I kept him awake. In combination with everything else I felt treated poorly and have been traumatised by what he said, it was all done in such a cool calm way aswell.

    • #12106

      Ok, there are huge alarm bells ringing here.

      First of all, you say that this is just your version of events and that he may have his. First of all, that shows that you are someone capable of self-criticism and honest self-reflection, whereas abusers typically never admit they are wrong and always blame other people ( even if some of them feign an apology, they don’t really mean it). So, for that, even if you did some things wrong in the relationship, shows you are – like any normal person- able to take responsibility for yourself and for things in your life, which abusers aren’t.

      He orders your family and friends to leave at a specific time; calling you names ; immediate denial and minimising of his behaviour ( pushing you off couch etc). Abusers typically minimise and deny. You say that pushing you was domestic abuse, but the bad language he used against you was already horrendous verbal abuse, which is also classed as domestic violence.

      Telling you to leave when you stood up to him over pushing you: this is him effectively telling you to be silent about his behaviour and put up with it, without expressing your thoughts or him taking on board your feelings, or be punished. His denial about his level of behaviour. Any normal person would show genuine remorse, or in fact not push their partner in the first place. He was showing dominance in this situation, not acting as if you were equals. Telling you to leave your key when you were in no fit state to go anywhere: trying to invoke fear in someone in a vulnerable and helpless state= mental, emotional and physical abuse ( physical because you leaving in that state would have put you at physical risk, due to being incapacitated).

      Saying how he’d hurt your family in gruesome description: horrific emotional and mental abusers, and I think very worrying behaviour, showing a true violent streak. He knew this was your biggest fear: so he went for your Achille’s heel to frighten you as much as he could.

      You begging and apologising profusely, and him ridiculing you for it: emotional abuse and him enjoying the power of humiliating you. His inflexibility and refusal to discuss fairly- everything in ‘his terms’ ( mental abuse). This us him enjoying acting like the King in the relationship and enjoying reducing you to a frightened child. That’s abuse, not love.

      Saying negative things about your family and trying to get you to cut them off, using blackmail to get you to do this: abuser’s tactic of isolating their victim so they have more control over them and their victim is weakened and more dependent on them by having no support system or outside help = emotional and mental abuse.

      Getting back in touch and trying to coerce you into coming back by saying you e left him with your debt and he’s cleared it: typical hoovering technique of an abuser, trying to make you feel obliged into returning ( abusers use guilt and obligation, as well as fear, to make you do what they want).

      Taking you to and from work: doing things for you to make you feel beholden, like you owe him. Normal people do things for others out of a genuine desire to help, not to control or make the other person feel they owe them. My ex used to try to take me to work too- I think also to keep tabs on me and make me feel beholden to him.

      Him constantly contacting you, despite you asking him not to: harassment; an abuser not bearing to have no supply to victimise and abuse. Him not respecting your decision.

      You had great times: all abusers are nice at times, or else we’d leave immediately. You love him: after all he’s done, it may be more likely to be traumatic binding than live? They feel the same- they even produce the same chemicals in the body. Look up Stockholm Symdrome – feeling responsibility and concern for your abuser. This comes with trauma.

      His lack of empathy and emotional cruelty when you were ill, like it was an inconvenience to him, and his clinical and cold manner: quite sociopathic/ psychopathic.

      You never had bad intentions: but it seems he did. Yes, you are dead right, you were treated incredibly poorly and were abused on many levels. Your ex fits the profile of a perpetrator in many ways, as highlighted in the Freedom programme and by Lundy Bancroft in his books: he appears all at once, for example, to be like the Head Worker, King of the Castle abuser, Water Torturer ( acting cool,and calm enlist knowing they are hurting you and then blaming you for your reaction)…..

      I don’t know in what context your brother got annoyed about your ex not letting you drink: was your brother picking up on and was annoyed about your ex’s controlling nature, or was your ex concerned about your drinking habits? If you do think you drink too much, why do you think it is? To have a good time or because something is painful in your life which is hard to face? I only ask this because I began to drink wine a bit more than usual in my relationship and I think it was because being with him was so painful. I didn’t want to face the reality of who I had married, I think. I felt stuck, so ‘self-medicated.’

      Yes, you were abused. He is a horrible abuser. Xxxx

      • #12109

        Serenity thank you so much for your detailed response. I came into this site more for piece of mind as I was worried family and friends were being biased. One of my ex’s reasons about his horrible blackmailing and talk of hurting family members is he says they are nasty people, now what baffles me is he made a list of of family arguments and fall outs.. Most of which happened between for example my parents when I w*d a teen and my ex wasn’t even in my life then, between my sister and her partner and their temporary fall out and so on. He listed this to prove how others have been forgiven.. Hence why can’t I forgive him? One of his characteristics was to remain completely robotic and emotionless when I was crying and I mean properly crying… I even got told I was still interrupting him and my voice was annoying when I was talking and crying. He’d punish me by completely ignoring my existence and shrugging me off if I tried to hug him. But I have seen a side to him I can not unsee. Regarding my brother who is a very kind and funny person but does unfortunately chat poo a lot of times, he does this in a harmless manner. He was also constantly condescending to my brother, interrogating me on what he would do with his life. He made it known to me my.bro and friend that he disliked my family and they were weird… He’d even come back from seeing his own brother and tell me how they were talking about my family and things they have done, which obviously hurt me and got to me. If I ever said to stop I got a list of why he was right. In a recent email The ex had listed every flaw of every family and previous rifts for which I now feel guilt ridden for ever moaning about them to him…but I understand surely in a healthy relationship that would never be logged in your partners mind and used against you? I know in our relationship I have been guilty of being overly emotional but he’s even at times called my voice annoying when I’ve been crying and trying to talk. Bear in mind I’m summarising all events over 3 years but these things are significant to me. I wouldn’t get called names all the time but more often than not.. And it would hurt me and I’d address there and then, yet it continued when he’d be in a bad mood. Even if I did the slightest thing wrong I’d be called a f**king moron and to use my head (this was because I picked out a washing tab that had burst which he told me not to use so I put it back in the box) it’s exhausting. When it came to confronting him about being pushed all he could say was I hit him in the past in the arm when I was drunk and really upset because we’d been talking about ex’s and I pressed him on if they were pretty..(I know it’s not worthy of an excuse but I’m little and he is strapping really into fitness and 4stone heavier) That’s wrong of me and was an insecurity which I apologised and dealt with and never done or acted like that again. Regarding the drinking a problem of mine was biting my tongue or keeping quiet during some of his moods then blowing up once pushed to a limit when intoxicated. I hated arguing with him because he would ask me to recall the exact words I used or get me so mixed up I felt insane!! He wrote a lovely letter which mentioned every little thing he misses, but I still feel angry hurt and sickened by the so called love of my life saying disgusting things, calling me embarrassing when I was desperate and worst of all has not left me alone since even though I asked and have remained graceful and dignified through the whole thing!! It feels really good to talk because I feel my family are weary of it all and I don’t blame them.

      • #12140

        @Serenity – you consistantly bring such wonderful clarity to this forumn at times when we need it most. Thanks x

    • #12111

      I have only one thing to say WALK AWAY don’t go near him he is a nasty human being ,read back over your post everything you have written is all wrong ,this is something I have noticed if I write it down how wrong it is x

      • #12126

        I have left and he’s made a lot of effort to meet and talk and was very apologetic at first saying what he done was awful. I said I was too angry and think it was unforgivable… And that I needed time to let my mind and heart rest. Because I didn’t take him back straight away his apology subsided then he’s saying I’m being unfair and have forgiven worse things.. Which is not the case.. And he had the cheek to say “you haven’t even asked why I said those things?” his argument is my family have done bad things to him and ME! So why on earth was I punished? I honestly feel like I’m going mad it’s not making sense to me.

    • #12136

      Force yourself to keep well away, however flowery his language, would be my advice.

      I didn’t ignore the moments he was nasty as revelations of who he really was, what he was capable of. Those nasty moments were the real him. All the rest wax froth and bubble.

      When I read your original post, the hairs stood up on my back, as many things your ex did, mine did too. It was like you were describing him.

      I stayed for nearly two decades and ended up a wreck. I was ill for years through being with him. He’s caused untold psychological damage to all of us. And all the time, even whilst he was acting nice, he was planning a dramatic exit where he had all his soldiers lined up, and executed a plan that was coldly calculated and meant to destroy me ( even though his public mask is of one who is jovial and laid back- at least when you first meet him).


      • #12137

        I am doing I am staying well away and thank God I’ve got wonderful family friends and colleagues who I’ve all been able to confide in and they have all said the’s only after telling more and more people I realise how wrong his behaviour was at times and how he’d minimise things and I’d just believe him. I started to alter my behaviour and think before I spoke incase it riled him up, and constantly wondering what mood he would be in. I’m at the stage of relief mixed with grieving. I really appreciate everyone’s feedback thank you very much xxxxxx

    • #12153
      determined survivor

      My abuser excessively contacted me when I had made it clear that I didn’t want contact with him. It was hindering my recovery, and I had to get a court order to tell him not to contact me. Just because it isn’t physical, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t qualify as domestic violence. My abuser never harmed me physically, but he verbally and emotionally abused me every chance he got towards the end of our relationship. Cutting all contact is hard, but it is worth it.

    • #12154

      Her Indoors: that’s kind of you to say that x

      Booboodeboo : it’s great that you are so determined in your recognition of his abuse and that you believe so strongly in your gut, over his and other people’s minimising / lack of understanding of his behaviour. I hope you’ve found the confirmation of your feelings that you needed here!

      • #12159

        I really have found comfort here. He text my brother wants to meet up with my brother and dad to clear the air but they have politely declined saying we have all moved on. I don’t think it’s sincere because he was so adamant what he would do to them, and I think it’s a level of damage control. I just wanted a bit of reassurance because as I say that the bad stuff wasn’t constant but it just went to far. He did have good qualities and was kind sometimes, but the moments when he was cruel were too much to tolerate personally xxxxx

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