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    • #10904
      Sparkle1
      Participant

      Just wanted you lovely ladies opinions I have been asked out on a dinner date this Friday by a friend of a friend, I am nervous but also excited as he is a really nice man but do I tell him about my ex or is it best not to mention it yet ? xx

    • #10915
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Dear Sparkle1,

      How lovely that you have a date this Friday! What you disclose to anyone is your choice, you don’t have to discuss anything you don’t feel comfortable with.

      In terms of early dating the most important thing is enjoying yourself and getting to know someone new. talking about your ex might be a conversation you can have if things become serious, the date is about you, enjoy yourself!

      Take care and keep posting! Have fun on Friday.

      Best Wishes,
      Lisa

    • #10916
      Sparkle1
      Participant

      Hi Lisa i do want to enjoy it for myself and not make it all about my past so thanks for the advice i won’t worry too much now about going into detail yet see how it goes hopefully i’ll have a nice time 🙂 xx

    • #10918
      SaharaD
      Participant

      Hi Sparkle

      Here is my opinion:

      Most agencies say to wait two years after the last abusive incident to start dating again. I suppose year 1 is about survival and year two is about recovery. Trying to have some sort of stability in your life.

      I won’t say I followed this to a T. I have some sort of stability, my benefits are sorted. I have a basic support network. I have a part time job. I have no debts and a bit of savings. I have had a years counselling and I still attend a women’s group focused on abuse. I started dating after about 20 months.

      The women’s group I go to focuses on keeping yourself safe and setting appropriate boundaries.

      Every dating advice book out there will say not to talk about your ex. My opinion is not to mention any vulnerability at all. I date several men. I’m not looking for a partner. One of these men I have been seeing about once a week or so for about 6 months. He doesn’t know about the abuse and my mental health problems. He might have guessed if I talked in my sleep the few times I have actually stayed and slept overnight. He doesn’t know where I live or work. I have a separate phone and email for dating. They are not part of my social network online or in real life. I don’t go to them for any type of support: financial, mental, emotional or spiritual. I never ask them for favours. I usually pay for my half of the bill unless they insist otherwise.

      I follow my gut instinct and I take myself to and from the date and I’m careful as much as I can about getting into their cars or going to their homes.

      Do try to enjoy yourself and don’t put any pressure on yourself. Make yourself feel good and positive and have fun!

    • #10922
      mixed-up mum
      Participant

      Hi Sparkle – Oh that’s lovely – good for you – you go and enjoy it!!!! 🙂

      Id love a date – to get asked out for a meal would be such a lovely treat and a major confidence boost – it would be nice to feel someone was interested in me again – maybe one day…..

      Hope you have lots of fun – and if after a few dates you feel the relationship is going somewhere – and if you feel comfortable doing so, then tell him as much as you want to tell him – he doesn’t need to know everything.

      Have a wonderful time – and let us know how it goes!!!! x*x

    • #10924
      missgiddypants
      Participant

      I have found some men not like you talking about the ex and be careful men not take advantage of your vulnerability ,have a nice time ,hope he is a nice guy x

    • #10966
      Sparkle1
      Participant

      Thank you ladies I had a nice time he was a true gent opening doors wouldn’t let me pay for anything we didn’t discuss my ex at all I was only out for a couple of hours I felt quite anxious and I don’t know if I would go on a second date he was extremely posh and I didn’t feel attracted to him but it was nice to go out and be treated as my ex never took me anywhere xx

    • #11010
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Delighted your date went well and you deserve to be treated well.

    • #11013
      mixed-up mum
      Participant

      Hi Sparkle – that’s good you had a good time and he was nice to you and kind – Im sure it would have felt really great to be treated like that.

      I’m sure you would have known right away if there had been any attraction between the two of you – sometimes you are just different people, and although he was nice, and charming, and kind, there is just no connection there.

      I’m sure it would have given you a confidence boost to be asked out, and it would be lovely to be treated nice by a man.

      You could always say you just want to be friends, and you are not quite ready for a relationship just yet.

      It would be lovely to be asked out on a date, I have never had a date in my life – I already knew my ex – he had previously gone out with my sister (and didn’t SHE have a lucky escape – though SHE would never have put up with what I put up with for years!!!!) so him and me were already friends – and he had no money and so we never went out on a date as such – and within 6 weeks of ‘going out’ he moved in with me …..if only I have known then what I know now…….

      I still live in hope that there ARE nice, kind, decent, men out there somewhere…….

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