Advise needed

[Tea-and-biscuits]

Hi I have made the decision to leave my partner of (detail removed by Moderator) years. I have tried before and always change my mind. I’m still in the family home so will see how far I get. I told him (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago I want to leave and named my reasons. He began to be extra nice to me but I stood my ground. He isn’t violent , just very Controlling. (detail removed by Moderator) he asked for sex which we haven’t had since I said I was leaving. I said no and explained that I want a divorce. He won’t leave. I have access to a house in (detail removed by Moderator) weeks but couldn’t face faking the relationship. He shouted at me so I said I was going for a bath. Just more out of avoidance . I set the taps of then he rushed in saying he needs the loo quick. I went in to find the bathroom stank. He clearly had a number 2 , which on its own I wouldn’t read to much into it but then he’d changed the taps so my bath was cold. I think that was deliberate. I slept in one of the kids rooms. He controls everything , he emotionaly and financially abuses me. He is making me feel bad for wanting to go and break the family up. He won’t leave the house and won’t let me take the kids. I feel so weak.

[Mellow]

In a similar situation I have kids told him we’re done but then the sex came .you did well to stand your ground because I couldn’t do it and have been lured back in and still feel like leaving not sure where I am .I’ve got support and been looking for a new house but the house is under my name he still won’t leave if your not married you could get him out I could not do this because the relationship has gone on so long and still have attachment issues They don’t ever leave so it will have to be you or them good luck

[Grey Rock]

Hiya. I’m sorry for what you’re experiencing.

It’s unlikely that you’ll be able to get him to be okay or agree with your decision, so I’d suggest not raising the matter again, and if he brings it up be evasive. If there is a way of ensuring that he doesn’t know your new address that would be safest.

Women’s Aid will be able to support you in making a safe exit plan so it’s worth contacting them if you haven’t already done so.

Things I learned the hard way:
Abusers are masters of sabotage, so start collecting together any important documents or sentimental items sooner rather than later.
Store them somewhere safe away from him / the house.

Know your phone. Start learning how to change your settings and change all passwords. Especially those to do with finances and social media / communication.

Be prepared to block on the phone and social media. When we’re tired and emotionally drained (which you will no doubt be at first) abusers exploit it.

Have an emergency bag ready somewhere asap. Now he knows you intend to leave he might turn charm back on to convince you to stay, but he is also more likely to be angry and malicious. I’m sure you’ve heard the ‘do you know who I am’ and ‘youll never get away from me’ lines before. It’s not necessary for US to believe them, but it’s worth bearing in mind that they DO.

Dr Ramani YouTube videos were a lifesaver for me as they helped me make sense of what I’d experienced and be prepared for things that hadn’t happened to me before.

Please take care.
GR x*x

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, it took me (detail removed by Moderator) attempts and eventually he left… I have been married for over (detail removed by Moderator) decades, it takes a lot your husband will not make this easy for you, he will play the victim, abuse may get worse , silent treatment… get your ducks in a row, contact your local Womans Aid for support, can you contact your GP as well?
My husband played the victim, silent treatment, financial abuse got worse…. do not believe a word he says but maybe write down in a journal as that can help.
Sending strength and hugs ❤

[Hereforhelp]

I am some months out, I wobble sometimes but it is worth it, today is a good day, it is raining and we are calm… take baby steps and trust your gut x

[Anonymous]

Please don’t tell him your plans he’ll manipulate you either get angry, play mr nice, he’s basically trying to mark his territory on you, please find a way to leave/stay somewhere else if you can till those three weeks and yeah the whole bathroom thing was probably a sabotage (though I dunno for sure) but telling them anything leaves us open to persuasion💗☘️💗

[Tea-and-biscuits]

Thank you. The reason it came about was my elder child is in residential and my husband won’t let him home visit so I put my foot down but my house isn’t ready yet. I had some recent inheritance which has enabled me to attempt to go. Before because of the financial abuse I have been un able to even get first months rent together and like i said he won’t go. Honestly if I escape I’m going to remain single for ever. Might get some cats. I have spend my hole adult life with him . Thanks for your comments I just needed to vent. I keep doubting myself but I have wanted to leave for practicly the hole of the relationship. I know I need to go but its just so hard to go. I’m going to try sneaking things out the house when hrs out. Just little bits so he doesn’t notice. The hardest part is going to be to sneak our child out.

[Anonymous]

Your very brave for mustering the strength to leave and stand up to him
🧡💛🧡

[Tea-and-biscuits]

Hi so after years of manipulation about a dog sounds odd . But me and the kids wanted a dog for years and my husband won’t let us. He likes dogs ..he’s not allergic and he won’t let us get one.. sometimes he says we can get one as long as (detail removed by Moderator). So I agree cause I’m so desperate for a dog. Something to love and love me and get put for a walk. Then he goes to pick it up on several occasions and says he has changed his mind. Its me who would be paying for and looking after the dog . (Detail removed by Moderator).

[Author]

Posts