Advise please what’s next?

[Chocolatebunnie]

He says he’s leaving not yet, but he’s just decided we had a bad morning where he went on about everything in his usual negative depressing way, so critical and so woe is me, I don’t react but I feel sad, I can’t do this anymore.

I’m so scared what will happen next, access/childcare, maintaining the home, money as my nerves are a mess I can’t work.

I have 4 kids at homec2 autistic I’m overwhelmed and I’m sure it’s the right thing for us but we’ve been together along time. Can I do this, what will he be like scares me.

I know he won’t change and me and kids wAnt to be happy.

Any advice right now would be greatly appreciated x

[HopeLifeJoy]

I’m pleased for you that you’ve decided to take the reins, how brave Chocolatebunnie.
The next step to take is to call Women’s Aid. They will be able to guide you with a plan and to advice you who to contact for further support.
Step by step. Make sure you get an adequate amount of sleep to keep fit through this. You can do this! And we are here for you. Maybe others on here have practical advice for you. Sending you strength

[fizzylem]

agree with HLJ all I would add is its all about pulling in your support now CB, have you spoken to family? Feel like they are behind you and youre all on the same page? It can be an added stress having to explain yourself when what you need is there unwavering support post split – so any work you can do on this before hand will help a great deal x

[Chocolatebunnie]

I’m sitting here crying and now thinking is this it or is this another of his mind games?

He’s told me I won’t cope, I will have to move as the garden and house will be too much, he’s says I’m not coping now so what will I do without him?

I feel he’s right, but I don’t want to be unhappy and I don’t want this for the children sake, it breaks my heart to think of weekends without my kids whilst they’re with their dad it’s theses things that really make it painful, my kids are my entire world.

If I had a magic wand I would magic he’s bad points away, if only, I guess it is what it is and I’ve gotta take it in the chin.

Will I miss him? I think I’ve been missing ‘him’ a majority or our relationship but yeah I will but not this misery.

I have a support worker and will update her tomorrow, not had a lot of time to myself as he’s been around.

Sorry for a not so positive post, feeling it right now x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi CB, it’s amazing how much we can cope when we aren’t surrounded with all their negativity. I remember my first night in my flat,(no-one knows this so don’t think it’ll be deleted) the boiler wasn’t working, I went online, checked out the make and sorted it myself. I’ve tightened handles on units, all things that I’d have had to wait for him to deal with. The freedom to be able to just do stuff is so empowering. I’m so organised now it’s fantastic, I’ve even organised my pictures on my phone into albums now!!!
What you’ll miss is the nice him, that’s all. Just keep reading your journals to stay strong, keep talking to us and your support worker. Mine is so nice, it’s lovely just talking to another female, someone who doesn’t have an agenda. The fact I speak so honestly now to my oh, because I no longer have to worry about his reactions is so freeing. I’m still practicing the law of attraction, LOA, and I’m using my Angel cards more frequently.I’m working to getting the house up for sale, decluttering it, visualising a sold sign in my front garden. It actually looks so tidy now, something it’s not been for years. I still don’t want to be back there though, the fear of going back and things returning to what they were or worse, terrifies me.
So don’t listen to his negativity, or rather turn it around, he’ll not cope without you. As my oh is fond of reminding me, he needs me, but I know now that I don’t need him or for that matter want him. He killed the love I had for him so long ago, it just took me a while to see it. I’m not saying it’s easy, going no contact helped though. we do what we do to survive, during the abuse and afterwards. Someday I have the shakes and feel so bad, just like withdrawal symptoms but they pass. Most days I’m so happy, people have remarked on how contented I’m looking. I’m back at my exercise class and I’ve lost well over a stone in the short time I’ve been away. I’ve had my nails done a few times and my hair. I’m even wearing makeup again. There is a life after them, it’s there for the taking. You just have to be ready.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕

[fizzylem]

Dont believe him, its not true, he wants you to believe this, he’s manipulating you, jumping on your fear and twisting the knife in. Of course its daunting right now – but you are an amazing woman, you can do anything! Hell you’ve had 4 children!!

Yes its tough ‘the ending’, but after this there is space and light; you should not be on your own, he should want to continue to support his children regardless of whether you two are together or not. When you are looking after them all week, you will be ready for a well earned break and to hand them over, use this time to recharge – providing you feel they will be safe of course. He will have to support finacially too of course – I would get some legal advice and see what you are entitled to, you may be suprised.

You also have friends and family supporting you, so you need never be alone, there is always someone to call on for help if and when you need it. You will build and shape the support you need – you are not dependant on him, maybe just now you are, but this can change.

You will grow in strength and take your power and your life back, feel stronger than ever before on the other side and completely self empowered x

[Chocolatebunnie]

I knew this might happen just not so quickly he’s not waiting to leave he’s saying he needs help for how he speaks to me, that he doesn’t mean to be horrible every time we talk. So either he is saying what I want to hear or he knows he’s doing it. Either way I don’t trust him, I don’t believe he can change. I am angry he thinks he. An do this to me even just sayiyhes going one minut and the next he’s not. He must enjoy messing with my head and as I become more distant it feet like he’s frantically pressing as many buttons as he can to mess me up further and some day it’s really working and others I see so clearly but it’s not quite my time but it won’t be long as I see his true self more and more. I kind of mourn for what I thought we had when I was nieve and he wasn’t so mean. It was there from the beginning but I just thought it was drugs at weekend making him mean midweek or it was the drink or just this or thst, I know now it’s just him.

I learning, hopefully I’m getting ready and stronger.

Having read your posts yesterday just as I was going out, it gave me strength. My anxiety was so bad I thought I couldn’t go out but I did and felt so much better and level headed again. I’m so glad I found you all on here x*x

[KIP.]

He’s going nowhere until he is made to. What they do is fish for your weakness. When he said he was going, he was hoping you would break down and beg him not to go, when that didn’t happen he tried to plant the seed that you desperately needed him to stay because you couldn’t cope without him, when that didn’t happen he had no choice but to change the goal posts again and decide to play the victim and stay and get ‘help’. It’s upto you to take the reins and get him out. Our headspace is totally taken up by all this abuse. When he goes, your headspace expands and you can deal with anything that comes your way x

[EbonyRaven]

You will cope. You already cope with things plus him making you feel awful so much of the time. When he’s not there and your energy isn’t being sucked away by his behaviours and demeanour you’ll find yourself so much stronger. You’ll realise that you’ve always been able.

I recognise that whole pattern, and sadly even if they actually did go and get ‘help’ they make this promise far past the point where we can ever trust them fully again anyway. Once we’ve lost that trust there will always be the little voice in the back of our minds asking if what he says is real and honest. We will always be on guard against a possible outburst of vitriol and anger. That’s no way to live.

I look at it now as if he does get any help and works through his issues, then it is a great outcome and maybe he won’t treat his next lady badly. It can’t be me though, I will always see the face behind the mask.

[diymum@1]

deep down these men are so deeply flawed – i dont really think they understand the fundamentals off their behaviour because its engrained in them. they are all different types of abusers some more extreme than others but yours sounds like the inferior feeling kind of abuser (i had a mixture of inferiority and i believe that made him a bully to get what he needed) they will do ANYTHING to keep you where they feel that you need to be. He will know hes making you feel insecure by telling you – you wont cope and the more he tells you this we begin to believe it we hear there voices in our own head. we start to confirm this as the truth. the truth is not held with an abuser – his motives are to keep you there to serve his needs. he needs you and he isnt going anywhere. they use the ‘im going to find someone who understands me better’ or ‘im going to kill myself’ or im going to take the kids or the old your crazy and too screwed up to look after the kids/make any decisions. these are tactics (very common ones) this is not the truth. a good technique is to switch round what he says to be the opposite – not sure if this ends up being confusing but these men all tend to project. as far as changing his ways thats a long haul – they need to truly face up to and admit there is a problem – learn about the dynamics and change how they think from what ive read a perpatrator programme takes 6 months in all. the problem with this is many off these men only go on these programmes if theyre forced ie going to prison etc – otherwise they try to shirk round it by seeing marriage counsellors which is right at all. and worse they sometimes learn more about abusive tactics xx your doing great but i you have many responsiblities which of course is daunting. i bet lots of people who help out if he were to go and thats reality. these men dont live in the same reality as us theyre like spoiled five years olds emotionally xxxx love diymum

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you, it all makes perfect sense, when you all explain everything, and it is at the moment very clear to me. Every post on here I make the replies are just so enlightening for the first time I actually do feel like I’m able to do this, can’t make him leave not yet but I will eventually.

The more I learn the easier it will be that’s how it feels. I have the books suggested and the online course but I don’t get a chance to read them and I’m worried he will find them, so posting is helpful.

Him testing me and making me think he was leaving made me really think how would I cope and even though he made me doubt myself I was able to turn it around. That is for me a step in a new direction I was able to turn the fear into a positive. I can’t get close to him now whatever has been said and done, it’ll never be the same again. Trust is gone
And agree if he gets help it’s not me but someone else who will benefit.

Funny though, no mention of getting help so far, been here before me thinks.

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