Affirmation

[backtome]

I had an affirmation after a couple of meetings, one with my daughter’s deputy head teacher (safeguarding officer for the school) and one with someone who’s referring me and my daughter to a DA course. They both say that although he is not living with me any more he is still controlling my life. I am managing his behaviour and making myself responsible for ensuring that the peace is kept and that he stays happy. My family and me are taking my daughter on a once in a life time holiday and in order to get his “approval” I was even contemplating going on a holiday with him and our daughter before then so that he gets to go on holiday with her too. Then I realised, I’m not doing that for the benefit of my daughter, I’m doing it to keep HIM happy. So, now I’m going to question every thing I do that involves him and ask myself who will benefit – if it’s him then I won’t do it. As I was quite rightly told I am not responsible for his behaviour or feelings, he’s a grown man and I don’t need to manage that for him.

My only worry is what he will say to our daughter, she’s very young, but I just hope that in time when she’s older she’ll understand why I made him leave etc. x

[Serenity]

Well done: you’re managing to stop and reflect, and not just be pressurised into constantly appeasing him. Your mindset is changing. It might not seem like it, but you’re slowly gathering strength and his bond is lessening. You can see the control and see the games.

You are entitled to live without him and to enjoy times with your daughter without him there. If he’d treated you correctly, he may still have a family.

[backtome]

Thanks Serenity, I’m definitely getting stronger I can feel it and with the support I’ve now got in place hopefully that strength will only increase and I can pass it onto my little girl.

I really think about things now, like this morning he asked me to ask our lg if she wanted to video call – i asked her and she said no (I asked her a few times and she said no each time). He then asked me to send a picture of her so I asked her if I could take her picture to send to Daddy and again she no. I told him this and then he asked me to call him anyway to see if she will talk to him even though he had been told no already. I refused and told him he needs to learn that no means no. I’d never have done this before, so I’m proud for that small step. x

[Janedoeissad]

That’s awesome. Great that you’ve got things right in your own head now.

It’s so easy to fall back into just trying to make him happy. I’ve been doing the same. Letting my Ex keep staying at our house (without me there) to stop him kicking off and if I leave him there, I hear nothing from him.

So recently I told him a definite time frame for selling the house by. It felt good to make that demand. I said I had been very accommodating up until now.

I’m going to use your thought process from now on. Decide if I’m only doing it for him first.

[backtome]

That’s great news janedoeissad, sounds like you’ve gotten stronger too :). x

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