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I am starting to feel really scared my partner is feeling the change in the air. So far I have been to my GP for some anxiety medication as I literally haven’t stopped shaking for weeks and my thoughts have changed from anxiety to absolute fear and paranoia. I have my CBT in 10 weeks and have got an appointment with the local domestic abuse branch through women’s aid tomorrow. I am trying to attack this (secretly) from all fronts
As I have started to realise how abusive my situation is, I am starting to gently challenge him and I can feel him losing his grip. I can see the mind games he is playing and I can’t believe it has taken me this long. I feel like an absolute fool.
Tonight when he came home I was absolutely shaking and I have now realised he is aware my behaviour has changed. I’m so scared I’m not going to get out in time. All I can think of is how I didn’t see it coming when he raped me, I didn’t see it coming when (detail removed by moderator). It was ‘totally out of the blue’. What happens the next time I don’t see something coming? What will be the cost? I am terrified it could be out kids and not me. What if I push his buttons too hard before I get chance to leave? And after I leave it isn’t over. I’m sorry for being graphic but I am feeling so overwhelmed. And this morning I was so carefree (he wasn’t here) and feeling like I was either exaggerating the situation and didn’t need to leave or that I was in control. He knows what is coming I can feel it in my bones. Xx -
Hi cheesequeen, it’s not that he knows what’s going on, it’s the fact you’re aware of the relationship you have with him is causing you to be so anxious. Doing things in secret is terrifying, so that’s adding to your fears. I know how bad I felt going to my first meeting, terrified he’d find out that someone we knew would see me going into the office and tell him. You’re not being over graphic but msybe it’s time you thought about going into refuge or getying help from WA to get you a house from the council. Let them know when you see them how scared you are. On my first visit I was offered a place, and I wasnt going through what you are. Be prepared, if there’s a space to be offered it, grab it with both hands. His behaviour is terrifying and for it to change so drastically I can’t begin to imagine how you are coping. Good luck with the WA meeting, I’ll be paying they offer you somewhere, please take it. Everything else will fall into place, yours and your children’s safety and peace of mind are what’s important here.
Keep safe, love IWMB 💕💕-
Thanks so much for you reply. What you said made so much sense to me!
I went today and they hinted I could access refuge if and when I wanted to but I think they realised I’m just not there yet.
They have helped me with a crisis plan and I’m looking at private housing. I’m going to a 12 week programme called AIM which will hopefully help me break the cycle of ‘is it really that bad/is it me/ will he be ok when I’m gone’ which is what I’m currently in. I have squared it with my boss too, not gone in to detail but she’s aware something is taking form.
They also offered children and a legal clinic for when it goes to court. That made me panic a lot! I don’t think I was ready to hear that.
I am trying not to focus on the bigger picture right now though and just take it step by step, decision by decision.
Thanks again for your reply this site has been so helpful to me xx
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Hi there,
What a nightmare your having right now 🙁 Go with your gut on this. Depending on your circumstances and you will know him best. Do you feel that your in imminent danger. I often feel that if your feeling like this its for a reason. Would refuge be an option – if you feel this is escalating call the police, my gut feeling is to call them sooner rather than later. He has raped you that will be more than enough to get him well away from you. I hope this isn’t harsh – it just that I know I let everything build up and I acted once it got out of hand. Don’t wait and stay safe xx luv diymumx
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Cheese queen, I don like calling you that ! ☺
I’m so glad they can put all of this in place for you xx this sounds amazing! Don’t be scared with the right help and support you’ve got this xx 😊💕💪💙love diymum xx
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Thanks very much. I do feel a bit better today although it’s been exhausting. I will definitely take your advice re: ringing the Police. They suggested the same today. He made a serious attempt of suicide last year and pulls me back with that. When I leave or threaten to he holds it over me so I usually say I’ll get someone to go round and check on him but they said not to out anyone at risk. I hadn’t even considered that! Too busy thinking of him 😫 I will be doing in future though. They also said it would be better because if he’s messaging me saying he’s suicidal and on the walls and the Police go round to welfare check and he’s sat there cool as a cucumber it will help.
Thanks again for your help, I just wish everyone didn’t have to go through this to give the advice 💔 Xx
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I was glad to read that you’ve been given those resources, that’s great.
The sooner you can get away from him the better. As has been said, you know him best. Also do call the police if he does threaten that, they honestly and truly don’t mind. I used to think I’d be wasting police time, but I’ve recently discovered that they don’t see it that way at all.
Your strength is amazing.
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Ah the good old suicide tactic. My oh has also said things like he no longer wants to be here,( i take it he means in this house,not dead)he’d be better off dead, no one cares about him. I no longer acknowledge him when he starts this up. I have said that I’ll call someone if he feels that low to which he’s replied I don’t need to talk to anyone I just need to know you’re here for me. He’s even recently said maybe he should talk to someone, maybe we could both do with doing so. I literally laughed at him and said what happened to there being nothing wrong with you, it was all in my head and that if I wanted to talk to someone to go right ahead. If have, unknown to him and I’ve been told by 3 different professionals that his behaviour is abusive!!
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I’m sorry your having to put up with it too! He was in hospital last year after a serious failed attempt and it wreaked absolute havoc on my life. Having to think about whether to lie to my girls or ruin their bright little minds was devastating. Plus financially it set us right back as he was in hospital for (detail removed by moderator) and off for (detail removed by moderator) months in total. It’s terrifying when he says it I lose my kind completely and now I am recognising he knows that. That’s what I need to be prepared for.
I will be seeing it as abusive behaviour from now on and letting the Police handle it. Xx
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Take a deep breath ☺you’ve made a massive step forward. Your going to go into tail spin at times but when that happens and be ready, WA will be there us and the police xx we went through this and it was terrifying at the time but for me its a lesson learned and I don’t believe in taking any chances when it comes to safety your family and your health.
As for the suicide threat that’s an old classic tactic to keep you in your place through guilt, you become responsible for him, you become his mum. this sounds harsh but if your going to do it you do it right. Its all smoke without fire xx
Take care and keep us posted, we’re real proud of you 💪👭😊xxxx diymum
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