Afraid of what my ex can do

[CharlotteTheCat]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here. First of all, I want to let it clear my potential problem is my ex, not my husband.

I am not British and (detail removed by moderator) years ago I came to UK for some months for a short course. While here I had a relationship with a local guy, and that relationship ended in a not very nice way. He was just a mentally disturbed person and I started to be scared of him (I didn’t know he was so bad when we started our romance. If I knew that I would never had accepted him as my boyfriend at first place). Back then my safety was that I went back to my country when my course ended and I knew he couldn’t afford buying a plane ticket.

Now I came back to UK, my husband is British (we married outside UK) and we have a baby. My ex doesn’t know I am living here and that now I am a mother (or at least I hope he doesn’t), but he knew I was in a relationship with a British man last I knew anything about him few years ago. After we broke up, he stalked and harassed me on internet sometimes. Last time what he did was so scary that if that had happened in real world I would have called the police without thinking twice.

I am really afraid of what could happen if he finds out I am here. He is borderline, he used to blame me for everything bad that happened in his life (when the only one to blame was himself). After I went back to my country, through internet he told me once (when I was crystal clear that I did not want him as my boyfriend anymore) that his life wouldn’t have any meaning anymore without me, that he would kill himself and that it would be my fault, and that I would have to live forever knowing I was the one to blame. He disappeared and two years later he came back trying g to talk normally like nothing bad had happened, but when he found out I was in a relationship with a British man he went completely mad, he sent me messages saying that he wanted to hit my head hard on the wall and tried to convince my partner that I was a prostitute. All of that was online, so we just blocked his ways to contact us.

Now that we are married and living in UK, I am really afraid of what he could do if he finds out we are just few hours by train from him. And especially, I am afraid of what he could do to our kid when he finds out our baby exist.

That guy is the typical person that is an user of image boards on internet that spread hate: white man who lives with parents, doesn’t work or do anything good at all, spend whole day playing games and watching pornography, troublemaker, depressive, borderline, “incel” (involuntary celibate – they blame women for that), etc.

I wonder if you would have any advice to me. I don’t know if it is just me traumatized, I don’t know if he would do anything at all if he finds out, I don’t know if he moved on, I just don’t know. All I know is that I don’t trust him and I am scared. Also, I am afraid to tell my husband about how worried I am at the moment. I am not alone at home with our kid now because my husband is unemployed, but he is looking for a job and I don’t want to make him so worried while working thinking about it (or making him to refuse a job offer just to stay with us).

He knows that I was concerned about it, but this feeling got a lot worse after that massacre in New Zealand and another one very similar that happened (detail removed by moderator) in my hometown. The shooters of both massacres were motivated by those forums in dark web and they had exactly the same profile that my ex has (that I more less described above). Exactly the same (the only difference between the men of both massacres is that the one from my hometown killed himself after shooting the innocents).

My ex never was physically violent with me, his violence always were psychological and moral.

Any advice would be welcome. Thanks in advance.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi and welcome to the forum. sounds as if this man needs flagged up to the authorities in some way or another. He sounds very dangerous and I can so understand with what’s happened in NZ that it has triggered you. You can only try to warn the authorities of his existence and keep yourself safe, no social media posts etc. It’s scary jyst how these type of men exist amongst us.
Please dont believe that if he ever does kill himself that anyone bar himself is responsibly for that, he is living in a totally different reality. Internet stalking is a serious crime too.
Be safe and I think also talk to your husband. 2 heads are better than one
IWMB 💕💕

[CharlotteTheCat]

Thanks for the reply. I will talk about it to my husband. I am sorry to ask, but what exactly should I do to get him flagged? Just go to the police? Sorry if this question sounds stupid, but I am asking because such a thing could never be done in my hometown (policemen there would probably just laugh at my face for reporting a man without knowing if he would do anything at all, it’s been over two years since last we had any contact through internet). How would that work exactly? I hope noone would knock at his door to talk about it or, in case he had forgotten about me, that would fuel him again…

[Iwantmeback]

I honestly have no answer to that, but we are told often to report anyone or any circumstances that could be detrimental to national security. There must be a hotline/helpline to that effect, which can be reported anonymously too I don’t actually think it’s the police themselves that you’d contact. I’m going to look into this myself actually. I’m glad you’re going to speak to your husband (but remember to listen to your gut instinct, too often we don’t and are then proved right all along.) It’s too big a problem not to. If my husband wasn’t an abuser, he’d be the first I’d go to with something like this.i hope nothing ever comes of this for you, enjoy your marriage, I hope you will always feel safe, cherished and loved.
IWMB 💕💕

[endoftherainbow]

Maybe if you spoke to the police in respect of ‘Claire Law’? This enables people to check if people have been involved in Domestic Violence, might just flag him up for future partners x

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