After I first called the police….

[Ayanna]

This is a flashback story.
When I called the police for the first time and he got taken away in handcuffs and arrested for the weekend, I was alone in our home for the first time.
The place was so quiet and peaceful and I did not feel bad about what I had done. I felt relieved and thought he would learn from this lesson. In my statement I told the police that I wanted to divorce him, because I could not endure his abuse any longer.
He was let out, but not allowed to return to our home.
He rang me as soon as he was out. He was in tears and very remorseful.
He said that he knew very well that he was not allowed to contact me. But he missed me so much and he regretted deeply what he had done. He also said that he did not not want to put any pressure on me. He wanted to know whether I was alright.
He wanted to come home. I said that he was not allowed to come here and that I wanted to comply with what the police had said.
He slept rough and kept calling me.
Every call sounded more catastrophic and every day that passed by I felt more guilty of not allowing him to come back.
When I slept I had nightmares of the things he had done to me.
In less than a week my soft heart could not say ‘no’ anymore and I took him back.
When he came in he was humble at first. I sorted him out, because he was very dirty and cold.
As soon as he felt better he showed me his anger, that I had not let him back immediately.
I reminded him that he was not allowed to be here until the court day in a few months.
I could see how he had to restrain himself.
It did not work.
He revealed his true nature soon and the abuse started again.
I told him that I had nightmares about him.
His answer was: It is your bad consciousness of what you have done to me.
Well, a few weeks later I called the cops again and then I made the decision that I wanted him out of my life for good. What followed was the worst time of my life, getting rid of him, against the awful system that protects abusive men.

[anna]

That is very sad flashback but very brave you managed to get him out. I have no experience of the courts but i agree it seems really hard to procecute. You are right i think that we are in a male dominated society my theory is that it starts in childhood when we teach our children that girls are weak, not as clever as men and are just there to be pretty and men are taught they have to be manly and not show their feelings. We do this in unknowing ways such as telling boys not to cry and man up and telling girls they are only allowed to be interested in makeup. That sort of thing. obviously a trivial example but you get where im coming from! There was a hugely interesting programme i saw the other day of how we inadvertantly influence our children with these automatic subconcious beliefs and how negative that is. on the surface it seems harmless but it causes problems down the line. What do you think?

[KIP.]

Ayanna, your story is a very good lesson why no contact with these abusers is so important. Any ladies reading this should know that to allow contact and not report the very first breach is a sure way to allow the worm back in. Perhaps your story will convince other women that abusers only want to get close enough again to slap us. I separated from my abuser and mr charming appeared from nowhere. Before long I was hooked again and not long afterwards he moved back in. It wasn’t like I said he could, I just didn’t have the courage to say he couldn’t. Anyway, within a matter of weeks he reverted to his abusive ways worse than ever. I always thought this was a punishment for my behaviour in getting him out in the first place. I thought I was one step ahead of him but he was always two ahead of me. No contact no contact no contact ❤️

[Ayanna]

Exactly, KIP.
We cannot emphasize enough how important ‘no contact’ is and how important it is to stay strong and not give in to their manipulations.
I even withdrew my statement, but the CPS did not acknowledge it. Thankfully they already knew the tactics.
It took a second life threatening event to make me decide that he had to get out of my life for good.
They did not charge him for breaking bail conditions, which I found outrageous.
Even after the second arrest he called and came to where I lived. It had no consequences for him.

Yes, Anna, we live in a patriarchal world. According to research women have more emotional intelligence than men and also, our intelligence and abilities are no lesser than men’s. Women have more endurance than men. We are actually superior to men and yet our fellow women allow men to dominate us.

[Author]

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