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    • #52142
      fridges
      Participant

      To cut story short in my life time I went through two destructive relationships. One was my abusive ex – about whom I wrote before. But this case I did not share much, it is about my ex sugar daddy. I met him after my extremely abusive relationship. He was very nice, never said to me the things, what my ex was saying. He was married, older, with top position at work, taking me to the nice places, spoil me. For me it was a total change, after the relationship, where I was refused any treats, and forced to wear ugly clothes, called names, shouting, cutting me off family, and any social contact. I thought it is safe for me, not to get into relationship, but occasionally to see the sugar daddy ( I call him, this name, as this name you call the man, who is older, who is providing financial support to a younger woman)
      I fall for it, first of all – he would tell me how beautiful am i, invite me to the nice places, buy nice things. There always was clear I never end up with him in the relationship.
      He kind of become a friend whom I felt it is ok to trust.
      Then there was a time I started to feel very much for other man, we did not have relationship, but only getting to know each other. I have decided that I do not want to meet the sugar daddy anymore. So I told him the truth, I want to stop seeing him and that it. He always was telling he knows that this time will come and he is ok with it.
      But then he really started to become obsessed with me.
      Sending gifts, flowers, trying to call me all the time, being super super nice, telling how much he loves me and can not live without me.
      May be I will agree to see him and say into his face that it is over. It is his last wish.After few weeks he convinced me that it is ok to meet in cafe and have the last lunch.
      We parted, his obsession was not over, and it was only starting.
      He was insisting on his help to me, sending me gifts, asking what I want and everything, and telling I really do not want to expect anything in return. Let me take you shopping, nothing wrong with it, if a friend will take me shopping for Christmas.
      And then he will tell me that how much he loves me and everything.
      With the man I had feelings, was not easy, I was not sure if he will be with, or not, or what will be in the future.
      To cut it short – the old man put all effort to sabotage my new attraction, he did many emotional traps, even with lying get the access to my personal phone. Spying on me.
      I understood all later. He knew I’m not strong emotionally, he knew how to manipulate.
      Playing all sort of games – from putting under the pressure, that he will commit suicide, to offering me the bright future, that if i will be with him, he will give his wealth, he tried all, he even was telling me that private investigators will find my new affection and he will know about me, and he will know that I was seeing the old man. He never said he wants to divorce his wife or anything like. Selfish – wanted to keep me and his wife.It backfired.
      With his obsession and changes – wife noticed that something is wrong. Wife decided to divorce him.
      On one of the evenings – he raped me, it was clearly without my will. I said at least 100 times – nooo.
      I tried to cut all the contacts with him, but he was putting me under the pressure, he will commit suicide and I felt under the pressure I need to be nice to him, not to make him emotional.
      Because I feel great responsibility about others, and too kind hearted, I was not realising what is happening at that time. With him I was walking on glass, which can break any time, I did not know what to expect more.
      That year I thought I gone mad.
      I have cut all the contact with time, trying to do in delicate way, he kept trying to force me to be with him in the relationship.
      I blocked him on my phone, he bought other number and was contacting me again. I blocked him. Wished him well in life and trying to be nice. There were few attempts to get me into relationship, i avoided them.
      Then just now he try again to bother me and send a very nice email. I wrote back to him – Leave me alone, I do not want anything to do with him. Please do not write to me! That when woman says no it means no.I do not want any contact.

      He replied with anger – that no wish to contact me, because of the lives destroyed as a consequence of you.
      I answered – do not put on me, for the things you have done it. He is blaming me in everything.

      Today I have deleted this email completely, as after his contact I could not sleep, I felt very scared, I felt very upset, and I have cried a lot. Whenever I hear from him, it makes me unstable emotionally.

      My reflection on events is with delay – I think I put block to it, when something bad happens to me and kind of freezing.
      This year I understood that I can recall number of occasions when he was forcing himself on me with sex, even when i had a bug and feeling to vomit. I did not want to admit to myself. One more time I was running from the accepting, what happened.

      his gifts – i sold, i donated to charity really a lot. It is not worth it, neither I want to have them, as they were making me feel very bad. He used my fear of poverty to manipulate me.
      And I made very good discovery about myself, that this is not important for me now. I’m happy with little things. I pray to God, I ask to forgive me, that I was lead by it, and so easy manipulated with it.

      This year I made a plan – to do therapy, to stop the pattern of falling on wrong men. Two occasions is already enough. They were so different and yet so similar. Something must be wrong with me? And I need to find out what exactly.
      To prevent to happen ever again.

      Please share your opinion about my story, I would like to hear what you think….

    • #52160
      KIP.
      Participant

      That sounds awful. Have you had any councelling or spoken to the rape crisis helpline? I know Women’s Aid do a really good course called the freedom programme. Can you block his calls and go total no contact? My ex used to say I would never be able to afford to stay in our home on my own. How it would have to be sold. Knowing how much I loved my home, he used this to manipulate me. I now realise it’s only bricks and mortar. Happiness and safety is much more important.

    • #52168
      fridges
      Participant

      Hello, Kip, Thank you very much for your support!
      I called couple days ago to rape centre, they gave me the number whom to contact in my area. The woman was very nice to me. This is also on my plan. No longer I want to berry things in me and not admitting and denying. This is my issue – I was not thinking straight – by denying the problem, I minimise the problem, so I feel less hurt. It is the trick what we do in order not to go the depression. Woman on the rape line gave me the phone number for stalking line, she advice me to call there. Stalking line is now closed until 2 January.
      Something was telling me this is not right about sugardaddy. and I recorded one of his phone calls. It was usual tone how he spoke to me and put pressure on me. I recorded as video on old phone and yesterday I listed to it, it is TOTAL CONTROL. He sounds AWFUL. I saved some of his whats app chat – for the period of (detail removed by Moderator) months, when it was intense. This time at least I left something on him.
      I felt like I’m obliged to keep him happy – as he was supporting me financially. But it does not mean – that he can force himself on me in a such way. And he always put on me financial pressure, as I did not have any income.
      By saying – LET ME HELP YOU – it was different reality – LET ME CONTROL YOU.
      About freedom programme – I’m waiting when the next course is available in my area, when I have contacted them, the course was already going.
      I read about it here on the forum, and helped many women to break the devastating cycle!

      All his gifts really disgust me now, I have few more items to sell, which will keep me going for some time, and part of it will go to charity, part i will use for little expenses.
      I’m glad that finally my family for the first time in my life started to help me. I was also involved with him, as I’m the one who was responsible for the family. If they have no money, it was always on me to sort out. And big pressure on me, to help them, for some reason I always did this. Now I teach them to be responsible for themselves and try not to have control in the family.
      Family problems and family money problems put me in the situation where I was seeing the wrong man.
      My mum knew that I’m not happy with sugar daddy, but as she was getting money from me, she was closing the eyes on my suffering.
      It can be so bad!!!

      Now I would not let money influence my decisions!
      I managed to live modest and I started to see finally how to build the life in the future.

    • #52169
      fridges
      Participant

      Here is the link which I recently found on EMOTIONAL ABUSE

      http://www.goyourownway.org/GOYOUROWNWAY/DOCUMENTS/EMOTIONAL%20WELLBEING/EMOTIONAL%20BLACKMAIL.pdf

      It will help women to recognise the signs of Emotional abuse.

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