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My husband refuses to talk since I came back from the refuge. I have asked every weekend for a moment out of the house so our conversation can remain private, away from the children. The answer is always nasty and belittling and negative, it is so frustrating.
But this time it became more than frustrating with his typically childish reactions, and he called 999 to report me as being verbally abusive. He got so wound up, unable to keep his calm he actually passed the phone to me so I could speak to the call respondent…how bizarre…i was calm and apologised on his behalf and they sent a policeman never the. He walked out before he arrived. I gave my husband’s mobile number to the policeman so he could check the situation with him.
You can imagine how stupid I felt, how much shame I felt, but at least I was there to sort it out. The policeman already knew me from previous calls I made for real situations of intimidation or violence. We had a chat and I explained the details of my stay at the refuge and why I came back. He didn’t pay much attention, he had started a busy weekend shift…imagine ringing 999 over an argument he says I constantly cause, though the fact is he was violent and very angry and threw a paper bag at my face and threatened to throw something else too. I was shocked.
The fact is since I decided to come back I have asked to speak but I say very few words to request a chat, I ask using few words but he automatically and immediately responds negatively and texts nasty things, threats and warnings and criticises me over so many points. It’s gaslighting and it leads nowhere.
It’s all the more frustrating that I say nothing otherwise during the week and he joins us so little, sighs all the time, refuses to eat with us etc. He sulks and says nothing. A normal husband would try and find a solution by opening a conversation…i speak, he doesn’t like it, I say nothing, he doesn’t like it either…so I stay nice and happy with the kids but I keep quiet with him otherwise. He hates that.
I am at least able to find some sort of “normality” with my kids, but I think about him all day, every minute of the day…it is exhausting.
It is not pleasant nor normal to live like this, it’s surreal, it’s like living an empty life, in four walls doing nothing else but avoiding arguments. He does make these sighs showing how he is annoyed at finding dishes in the kitchen or when the laundry is not sorted. He doesn’t help with the necessary big projects that need sorting out. I still have to get the kids to ask for money if they want me to buy something so they have to go and see him to let me have some money before we go to the shops. That’s also one of the subjects on my list I wanted to speak to him about…but he just refuses to speak.
I had lots of swear words coming out of his mouth, financial threats, and my friend heard his swearing on the phone when I spoke to her. He realised too late I had my mobile on my ear and demanded to know who I was calling, I never answered.
How long can this go on for? I came back to be with my kids, to help one of them in particular who had lost so much weight while I was away, had developed an eating disorder and got depressed. I came back to face the situation once and for all and to sort out other things too. But how do you sort things out with silence imposed on me?
All he wants is for me to “move on” pretending he has understood and is now a different man. I received so many texts while at the refuge to say he was a different man…I dont see a different man. I see a man who is quickly angry, quicker than ever, and has spread been violent, albeit by just throwing an object at my face. The financial threats are vehement and meant. The financial control is achieved. The manipulation against me via one of our children is also achieved. I receive threats by text that are new, ie I never thought he could wish to act the way he says he will if I do this or that. The threats are quite daring.
So all I can do is stay quiet and wait and see…especially after the 999 call to report me. But the policeman did understand there is no rational in his behaviour…
All I can do is try to live normally with my kids and see…i dont want to show any reaction.
I find all this stupid and ludicrous. I so wish I had a husband who could feed me perspective and a sense of care and love and togetherness…some form of presence and active verbal participation… -
Mine has also made ridiculous 999 calls in the past, he goes on ranting and then goes off and has left me to deal with it.
He even mocked up a conversation with me telling me to put a chair down and not smash it , whilst they were listening then put the phone down, they called back later and took no action.
Mine also called an ambulance for me ! wait for it because I was really crying at what he was doing.
He told them I was hysterical, that is how he views normal distress and crying, he then put the phone down and left me and went out, they called back and I said I has no need of an ambulance at all.
They twist the abuse round to be us and even go so far as call the police, then go off, its crazy behavoir. They desperately want us shut up and be under thier warped control and irrationally think the police will do it
Mine also makes the sigh noises when he isnt happy, so childish.
Mine threw a cardboard box at my face when he was really bad over christmas time because he didnt like a one line text I had sent my son, you would have thought I had commited a terrible crime, I know exactly how those rages and anger are with them,mine has not been that bad since a really bad bought the start of the year.
Ive also had weeks of the silent treatment before now as well.
Mine has often threatened to call the police to sort things out ! or called them , its such a waste of police time they should be heavily fined,its crazy childish out of control behaviour, you have my sympathy xx -
Dear Godschild,
When he came back, I was talking to my friend on the phone and he had hidden in the kitchen to listen to my conversation! That’s when he started swearing again and asked who I was talking to, he locked himself in the toilet and sounded like he had either drunk or taken tablets, his speech was slurred and that’s when I became worried for my safety in case he became out of control, he even took his shoes off in the toilet which is not what would normally happen, he then walked away to lock himself in his office and left the shoes behind, weird.
My friend heard that part on the phone and told me to go and lock myself in my bedroom and call her if he caused trouble or to go to hers if needed. He is full of anger waiting to express itself in some form of violence, I know it in my guts.So now it’s silence, I have had that for ages. He is acting the opposite of a normal husband. There seems to be no communication possible so I either try to live like try that or separate. For now I try to be strong and keep going, looking after my children. I say to myself if he wants to be silent, let him. My children dont live a very happy life though and seem to have odd arguments with him where he raises his voice and then blames me for making him sound like the bad one in the house, or he says I will use the arguments as a false proof against him…why would I want to waste my time doing that?
There is no sign of emotional common sense in him, it is like living with someone totally ill equipped with emotional intelligence, the whole reactions are twisted. How can anyone be like that? What is wrong in their personalities that they behave like this? Most of all, how could I have been such a fool decades ago? And it all seems to become so much worse…
I will be meeting my dv lady soon, I feel so ashamed of what goes on, it’s like I am a weak person unable to divorce and decide to end this situation, I am scared of taking the leap, scared of him, his devious actions, scared of unsettling my kids university life starting soon…if I stay quiet, I just keep going, I can at least live a semi normal life while he is away at work…i then adjust when he is back. It sounds so not courageous of me, I sound like I am a coward who bows down…my daughter keeps telling me I am stupid…
I am just so scared of the unknown…i have mastered my feelings for so many years it seems useless for me to change anything, it’s the life I am used to.
I am even ashamed of myself on tho forum because I ramble on for nothing, I am so stuck in the same way…
I just can’t understand how he thinks, feels…are those men so challenged by people’s feelings they cant cope and become violent instead…?
I feel ashamed. -
Dont feel ashamed at all, you dont ramble on, this forum is to express ourselves.
I know what you mean by feeling and sensing that they are full of anger ,mine was like that for several weeks around christmas and you cannot reason with them at all when they are in that mode.
We cant understand how they think and feel because its not normal, they cant stand our feelings what ever they are.
Hope your DV lady can help you to sort out how you feel.
The men havent got emotional inteligance they are stunted emotionally and don’t reason in a normal way,have you read any of Patricia evans books she says we live in reality one the real world and they live in reality two their own world. -
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