After the violence

[Ayanna]

I am just about coping.
I manage to go to work.
I struggle to learn for my exam, that I have in a few weeks and which I need for my job, because my concentration is so bad.
I burst into tears for small reasons, even at work and this has been noticed.
Once I am at home I cannot leave the house anymore. In the last few weeks I have started again to order my food online because I feel too uncomfortable to go shopping.
I avoid contact to people in general, turn down requests of people to meet up.
I only go out on rare occasions, to events that deal with specific issues and where I know the people there are against male violence.
The last event that I was invited to, I could not manage to go. I was on my day off work and I felt so uncomfortable to go there and just did not come. It would have been a very uplifting and nice event.
I have nightmares and wake up from my own screams. I have flashbacks, even at work.

I am in pain 24/7 from my injuries and my chronic health conditions become increasingly worse, despite the naturopath’s help. I have a disability from the abuse that affects me in my daily life more than anything else. I cannot cope with that. It makes me increasingly angry and resentful.

I feel that I have no option for myself. Why am I still alive?

[lover of no contact]

Ah Ayanna,

These are terrible feelings to be coping with. I don’t know how to take away your distress except to say we are with you in spirit. Try and be gentle on yourself. The ‘after-effects of the trauma’ are rearing their ugly heads again.

Try and accept yourself and where you’re at today. You’re managing to go to work. Thats good and an achievement despite what you’ve been through. Do whatever amount of study for the exam that you can. You’re only human. You’re not perfect. Small bits every day is enough if that’s all you can manage.

We can’t be firing on all four cyclinders everyday at all times. I’ve shared on here before my favourite saying ‘ If all I manage to do today is empty a wastepaper bin or smell a rose that’s enough.’

Maybe order the food online for now. Thats ok. Maybe its ok to not feel able to go to events at the moment. We don’t have to do anything we think we should. We are free now. There are no shoulds in life. We all do the best we can at any moment if thats not enough for anyone else or even ourself, well thats the way it is, we are not robots. We are human beings who don’t always get it right all the time.

I am sorry you are experiencing physical pain at the moment. Thats hard to cope with. Keep posting for support.

I’m glad you’re still alive and survived the abuse because your spirit and your posts really help me so much, and all the ladies on this Forum who are struggling at the moment to survive the abusers and their violence, and to get away from them to live a life free from abuse.

[Serenity]

Show yourself extra compassion when you feel at a low ebb like this, Ayanna. You are the priority here. Don’t worry about anyone or anything else.

Keep on posting here. Keep talking. Xx

[Ayanna]

Thank you for your support.
LONC I love what you wrote.

I am just feeling so low and it does not change. I think the mechanical devices that I need now are triggering me badly.

[Author]

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