After you've left do they still get a kick knowing you're completely broken

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure if anyone can help me with this, I am fighting as hard as I know how to, to recover from years of mental torture. I Know he still somehow manages to get information about how much I am mentally suffering. It feels like I dare not speak to anyone around about how I’m truly feeling. Because if I do then it will leak back to him, so I end up lying to close family and friends saying I’m fine thanks. It’s so difficult hiding your feelings x

[Anonymous]

Please keep talking to us all on here. You know we’re here for you and are happy to give some kind of release where you don’t have to fib.
Please don’t give up on yourself. It will take time but you will be able to pick yourself up eventually, although the pain never really goes.

[Anonymous]

Hi Freedoms I have found talking on here to you all so helpful, I feel I’ll never truly get over it, and it wasn’t until after the freedom programme that I realised alot about me, that I’ve been abused most of my life, I’m not a young one anymore & I think I will struggle terribly now to lose the scars & change a soft centred lady, I don’t want to change me though I desperately want me back minus being a jibbering wreck x

[older lady]

Hello, Blueberry. The abusive relationship is about power and control. If it makes him feel he has power and control because you are suffering then I think it is possible that he gets a kick out of it. I know my daughter’s father has over the years. Whether he gets a kick out of it or not, if it is better for you in your recovery to tell people you are fine, then do that, and when you need to talk about how you truly feel you can find a safe person to talk with, this could be a counsellor. The other issue is that any conversation about you between others and your ex, in some way keeps alive some aspect of that abusive relationship, and it might be better for you, where he is concerned, to shut that down. If you tell people nothing, they have nothing to discuss, it’s taking a ‘grey rock’ approach. I’ve found that it’s not always possible to talk to family and friends, for lots of reasons and also if they have their own relationship with the abusive person then they become part of that dynamic. This may be contributing to you feeling isolated and lonely, so its why I suggest a counsellor as a neutral person to let out your feelings to. Take care xx

[Anonymous]

Hi older lady, I know you’re right I do need counselling desperately, On a one to one level, But can’t afford it, I know deep down you are also right that I do need to stop talking about him, It’s me who is having a major breakdown, thats what he did though. Now I need to focus only on me Even that feels totally wrong & selfish x

[older lady]

Hello, what about contacting your local domestic abuse advisory service to see if they know of any way you can access some counselling or some support?

[Anonymous]

Hi older lady I’ve Asked all the professionals I’ve dealt with about counselling, It just seems that one will point you in one direction & you head there, then they’ll point you in another, you end up going round in circles ever decreasing ones which never get you anywhere except back to the beginning again x

[Serenity]

I imagine many of them do, because the reason they were horrible to us in the first place was because they were full of such negative emotions and possessed such horrible traits ( because despite what they said, we weren’t the cause of their behaviour!).

The most malignant ones get a sheer kick out of hurting others, because they are quite twisted. Many abusers have massive but fragile egos, and magnify our criticism of their behaviour in their minds, and interpret us sticking up for ourselves as a personal attack upon them ( they think that loving them should equal us putting up with their mistreatment ) and so want to ‘punish’ us for our imaginary crimes. And for them, negative attention is better than no attention, so they try to affect us and to make us continue to differ than to think
We are happy and moving on.

Unfortunately for him, you are stronger than he realises!

[Serenity]

PS : Also, it gives their ego a mighty stroke to imagine that we might be pining for them.

[Anonymous]

Hi Serenity How right you are, I don’t pine for him, I just long to undo harm that he caused, I know I cant turn the clock back, but wish I could. He has serous ego problems, So you’re right, Now he will get a kick out of knowing I’m so ill now x*x

[Author]

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