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Sorry just felt like screaming, writing what i feel when hes mean to me then reading it back later is starting to become quite a way of clearing alot of the confusion he leaves me with, especially when others comment back and say what im thinking-but totally doubting myself at the same time- i think i am actually crazy now i just have no idea what to do nothing is ever good enough anymore, the baby, the house, the dogs, the garden, my work hours or (removed by moderator) everything makes him mad ive given up completley on how i look as im either fat and vile or a tart-but not put so politley-whos asking for it. Still dont want to believe i am actually one of “those women” who lets herself get into these situations but my fault or not its surley becoming a reality that this is definatley happening to me …
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Hi Liquorice,
I’m really sorry to read how you are feeling, the confusion you explain is a result of his abuse. It is an understandable and normal reaction to avoid admitting to yourself the reality of the situation. It is sometimes easier or less painful to try to look for other ‘reasons’ or look towards yourself.
I feel it’s important for me to say that there is no such thing as one of “those women”. In England and Wales 1 in 4 women will experience domestic abuse in their lifetimes and it can affect any woman; regardless of age, race, ethnic or religious group, class, disability or lifestyle. It can affect the most intelligent and strong women; many of whom are here on this forum.
It is also not the case that you have “let it happen to you”. No man at the beginning of a relationship is obviously abusive, it builds up over time, it can be subtle and then it becomes incredibly difficult to get out of. So please try not to blame yourself, you have not let this happen and it is not your fault. The only person who is responsible for this is the man you are with who is choosing to be abusive to you.
Please consider calling the helpline to talk this through with a female support worker in confidence.
Keep Posting,
Lisa
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Thank you lisa. Sorry if i caused offence with the phrase those women it really wasnt meant too its just easier to try and seperate myself from the situation, like you say avoiding reality really. But i have to admit its getting exhsausting x
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What happens if i call?? Will they take things further because of a baby being in the home, will i have to leave straight away, does anyone contact him?? Im so unsure of telling others, ive dealt with this by my self for so long but im getting really tired now, i dont want to get out of bed any more…(detail removed by Moderator).
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You are doing the house, the garden, minding the baby, minding the dogs and working outside the home. Abusers are lazy. I bet he is not pulling his weight. By criticizing and blaming you and holding you to perfection the focus is taken off him and his laziness and irresponsibility. And also he gets a kick out of your hurt and distress. And he knows you will work harder to please him. Win/win for him. Blame and criticism. They all do it. But its so hurtful and frustrating to be on the receiving end of it.
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Please try not to worry that phoning the helpline will mean that you are forced to leave and the last thing anyone wants to do is put you in danger by telling your partner. I think they will speak to you and help you work out how to move forwards and get yourself an action plan. There is a survivors help book on the womensaid website with advice.
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Good luck!
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When I first called the helpline I thought they would tell me I was overreacting as he wasn’t very often physical. They were so kind and caring, non judgemental and gave no pressure for me to take a certain action or another.
They allocated me a lady who I meet up with, phone and email. Plus they got me on a course that teaches you all about abuse, what it is, how abusers reel us in and condition us and the effect abuse has on us.
Phoning that number was the best thing I ever did to help me start rebuilding my life. Phone them and have a chat, you’ll be glad you did
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Hello there my lovely how are you doing now? I do hope that you telephoned the helpline. We are all here for you each and every one of us x
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Sorry, didnt ring the helpline, i cant even do that useless at everything, starting to feel like c**p mammy too, im pretty sure my little one hates being with me im just so boring and tired, im sure he has more fun with nanny. I feel so sad, its been days now usually this feeling comes and goes, its never stayed atound this long. Hope it lifts soon im starting to get on my own nerves, sorry for moaning all the time xx
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This is the after effect of what he has done to you. You’re not a c rap mummy and you’re not useless either. You need support sweetheart, someone to show you a bit of kindness and be there for you.
Your little one loves you and nannys always have more energy than us mums and can spoil the kids, so don’t worry about that. When you feel able, call the helpline. My anxiety stopped me from calling for weeks so it’s not just you, it’s scary. Hang on in there and keep talking on here, no one will ever get bored of listening to you because we know what you’re going through and we want to be there for each other
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I was convinced I was a terrible mum until I escaped and I was suddenly surprised to discover I was actually really good at being a mum.it was one of his methods of controlling me, making me think I wouldn’t be able to manage on my own
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