Agreeing and negotiating fairly

[Plodding]

Hi Iv had advice regarding sharing things fairly when separating . Iv tried communicating with my ex about this advice and hoped to come to an amicable agreement so things are agreed in kids best interests and so neither of us are going to struggle financially etc . All Iv really got is lots of guilt for saying what I have been advised, making me out to want to take from him which I don’t . It’s really hard to know what he is telling me is genuine and true. I feel really sad he is making me out to be a selfish person nit nice person . It makes me feel I don’t know what to do for the best . Maybe I should go along with what he suggests and tells me as it will create less drama and he won’t portrait me as much of a bad person

[Eggshells]

Hi Plodding

It sounds like his tactic is working on you. He’s vengeful and greedy as all abusers are. If you live in abject poverty whilst he lives like a king, he’ll still be vile about you.

Abusers will take all they can. I know it’s difficult honey but you have to go for a fair deal. Abusers are extremely manipulative which is why mediation is not recommended for survivors leaving an abuser. Please don’t discuss this with him any further or you’ll walk away with nothing. Leave it in the hands of your solicitor.

[tiredofitall]

I’m afraid I agree with Eggshells. I’m in the process of separating from my husband and thought we would be able to agree but every discussion is an opportunity for him to blame me for the situation we are in because I’ve made the decision. He has no interest in wanting to resolve and move forward for the sake of the children. He just manipulates. I’ve realised that I need to own this and solicitors dealing with the divorce is the only way to get the power back from him and know that it will be resolved. I know that I have tried everything I can to make things work. The only person not trying was him. I refuse to allow him the power to guilt trip me. He didn’t care all those times I was crying because of him. Or those times he punished me by not talking to me. If he had treated me better, I wouldn’t be doing it. It’s not easy at all but stay strong. Every story on here is a reminder of why we are doing the right thing. They never learn or want to change and we can’t change them. We can only start to put ourselves (and our children) first. x

[Confusedyetclear]

It sounds like there is a part of you that maybe believes what he is saying to you ? You are not a bad person for wanting to be financially stable and in having a better life for you ! Maybe there is also a part of you that thinks there is better for you out there and that voice is definitely worth listening too… She’s the voice who has your back and is trying to gently urge you to a better place.
From a financial aspect you are as equal as he is and if he sees it as you are taking from him…then isn’t that what he is also prepared to do to you by guilting you into backing down ?
It’s so difficult… I hope you feel less guilt about doing what is best for you x*x

[Wants To Help]

Hi Plodding,

Unfortunately, you are on a road to nowhere by remaining compassionate in your separation. When dealing with abusers the words ‘negotiate’ ‘communicate’ and ‘fair’ does not come in to play. I tried this too. I thought that at some point down the line it would get to a stage where we could communicate like responsible, sensible adults… but no! To them, a fair negotiation means we have ‘won’ something because we’ve ended up with something we wanted. Abusers will never allow us a ‘win’ of any sort, so they will continue to be argumentative and obstructive even it if means they bring themselves down too. They would rather destroy themselves in the process if that means we don’t get to have what we want. They will argue over something for the sake of arguing. My ex refused to let me have a photograph of myself back that meant a lot to me. He didn’t want it either but because he knew how much I wanted it he decided to bin it instead of give it me back. These men are cruel and heartless for the sake of it.

Don’t go along with what he wants, stick with what you want, and if you can’t get it let someone else decide the outcome, you can be at peace with yourself that you tried your best.

xx

[Anonymous]

No!, they don’t play fairly!, if you wait or assume theyre gonna play fairly you’ll be waiting forever!, they don’t think like us they have they’re own motivations and mindet (it’s like dealing with a different kind of human) that’s a mistake we make and why we get hurt and confused (because they’re tactic based and live using manipulation for self gain to win) 🧡💕🧡

[Author]

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