alcohol problems

[Milli]

morning…
i’m new to all this and not good at asking for help/advice but thinking these type of forums may be a start.
i’ve been married (detail removed by moderator)yrs next week and myself and husband have just started divorce proceedings.
he’s a functioning alcoholic, and has depression. atm hes works 1 day a week (we have our own business).
we live in the same house as its mortgaged, (i live in my bedroom) we dont speak, he leaves a mess where ever hes been in the house, bottles and takeaway rubbish everywhere.
im in contact with the domestic abuse team as they have said the way im living can be classed as abuse…..
Ive been told about an occupation order….. im not in any danger but i am scared of him as hes volatile, but i was wondering if a court could say to my husband under this order hes NOT to drink at home (he doesnt really go anywhere else as lost friends cause of his behaviour)
also do you think i could ask a court to get him to pay some bills (he was always the bread winner, but ive had to get a job, only part time) he could work if he wanted, we are so far behind with all our bills and my wage just about covers the mortgage.

any help would be grateful

[Escapee]

Hey Milli

It’s so good that you’ve reached out. Everyone on here is so supportive. There’s lots of brave, kind and wise ladies here willing to help.

I can’t give you any advice really except talk to WA who are absolutely brilliant. I just didn’t want your first message to not be answered fairly quickly xx

[KIP.]

Involving solicitors and court is very very expensive and if he breaks the court order what would you want the consequences to be? Removed from the property? When you say you’re not in any danger, you don’t know that. You say you’re scared and he’s volatile. I would say this means the danger is very real. These men can flip in a second. Violence often comes when they feel they’re losing control. Lean heavily on the advice from the domestic abuse team. They see these situations all the time. I’d get an occupation order until the divorce and finances are sorted. There is absolutely no pint in trying to negotiate with him. Cleaning up after him shows he has no respect or consideration for you and it will only get worse. To get a court to order these things you’d have to prove they’re affecting you which means doctors and witness affidavits. Start to separate work, finances and everything else. Keep any important documentation separately. He is not your responsibility. You need to look after yourself and have a safety plan in place for leaving x

[EbonyRaven]

Hi Milli, and welcome. Speak to Rights of Women, they can explain an Occupation order in more detail for you and advise regarding contributing to household finances. It is more about having him removed from the property than setting ‘rules’ into place for whilst he is there ‘though.

If he is volatile and unpredictable then he is dangerous, and abusers become even more dangerous when they realise that they are losing control. Please be careful.

Little things like him standing in a doorway to stop you leaving a room, and him holding you physically, by the hand/arm etc. to prevent you going somewhere are indicators of the possibility of escalation, and should be mentioned in an order application.

If you do get an occupation order it would be wise to get a non-molestation order at the same time. You can ask for both on the same form. That will tell him to stay a certain distance away from you and your home.

It sounds as if you may qualify for legal aid which is fabulous, so you should have help to put it together properly. I had to write my own and it took me a while to get it set out.

Once the application has been accepted and a date is set for it to be heard, papers will be served on him. Those papers will include a copy of the application. That will be what you’ve given as your reasons for requesting the order.
If you possibly can, try to be away, staying elsewhere, during the period when the papers will be served on him. Also speak to the domestic violence unit of the police and advise them that you’ve made the application, explaining that you fear his reaction. They can put a flag on your number in case you need to call them quickly.

Women’s Aid can help you regarding sorting the finances out. They will at the very least signpost you to a local organisation who can help in a non-judgemental way, to contact your creditors and ask for time etc. Dealing with an abuser is so difficult that we can let those things slide because they seem so exhausting to deal with, but its in your best interests to speak to those companies upfront and put something into place. At the very least for your own peace of mind.

Look after yourself and stay safe.

ER x

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