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I went food shopping today and for the first time in forever, I bought what I wanted. Instead of buying him the best of everything and whatever was cheap and filling for me. It felt good, but sad at the same time. I never even realised I was neglecting myself so much until today.
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You feel it now with food shop and slowly but surely it will creep into more of your life! That top you fancy but daren’t buy in case he didn’t like it or said it was too expensive? That nice shower gel he thought was too strong a perfume? That special treat you really wanted but didn’t even suggest as you knew his response?
It will take a while not to get palpitations and sweaty palms buying just for you and not having to look over your shoulder for approval from him but over time it will happen. Enjoy your meals and don’t be sad xx -
I just feel sad that for so long, although I work full time and he was/ is an unemployed alcoholic, I allowed him to have whatever he wanted while I went without. I’ve even been wearing old laddered tights to work for months because new ones were too much of an extravagance. And we bought an old wreck of a house we had no hope of doing up while he was drinking and sitting on his backside. I’ve done more to it in the short time he’s been gone than in all the time we were here together. And when I clean the house, it stays clean. Wonderful! No more tiptoeing around him and finding he’d cut the chord on the hoover etc half way through the job. Getting my home back instead of feeling like an intruder here has been great.
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The same is for me 🙂
I always could buy good things for him and the kids, and never for myself.
I felt guilty and unworthy to have full-priced items bought for myself. I always knew he will tell I spend too much.
It is still very difficult, because I do not know what exactly do I want. It’s hard to understand my own wishes now, because I wasn’t allowed to have my own wishes for years. It’s a long process.My bestie was visiting me recently, and one of my pets torn her T’shirt while we didn’t see. My heart just stopped expecting catastrophic consequences, but she just started to laugh, we both started to laugh. I understood then that even after all these months of freedom I am still traumatised. I don’t know how much time I need, we all need, but we have to learn to be ourselves again.
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I guess I’m lucky that I was only in this situation for (detail removed by moderator) years. The real me isn’t that far away or difficult to find. It makes me both sad and angry that one person feels they have the right to do this to another. I hope you find peace soon. It just takes time, I guess x
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