all alone but free

[missgiddypants]

hello ladies ,hope everyone is doing fine ,I came upon this site couple of years ago
found some of the stories shocking ,thought I was lucky that my abuse wasn’t that bad more mental for me
I know I stayed with him as I A. not want to be alone B. used to say lots of women put up with worse
so stayed until le left me for someone else ,the hell I went through as he sold my house and divorced me
stays with me even now ,my abuser was the kind that belittled you saying he did the housework better than you as you can’t see muck .told me what to wear how to have my hair ,sometimes cooked saying you can’t do it you don’t know what taste is ,when talking was told to s**u or stop waffling on ,when out walking stop
dawdling walk faster ,his new lady was better than me as she liked walking and I didn’t but that was because I spoilt his day if I not want to go as far as he did ,lots of little things that seem trivial but add up to a lot but it was the sexual abuse that I found the most upsetting ,gave him everything he wanted but he still left me ,blamed me and denied being a bully used to say What did I ever do to you
now I still live alone at time don’t like it find Christmas and birthdays hard but spend my free time
doing what I want ,eating what I like ,never likes spicy food so not touch it now ,
a guy I work with is arrogant ,so I not like it ,can be ok at times,but other times not he says my abuser got away with it for so long as I allowed him to as I didn’t leave which now actually haunts me at times as I can’t trust men ,but I’m here I’ve survived it’s not easy but slowly managed to make a life for myself ,I look at people’s who have a partner but they never have any money or go anywhere so I wouldn’t swap my life for that xx

[Serenity]

Hi Miss Giddy Pants,

Love the name!

I can so identify : I was waffling if I tried to explain how I felt, I was dawdling and unfit just because I couldn’t walk as fast as him. To him, a 20 mile uphill hike whilst being made to feel pushed and ridiculed was a relaxing Sunday activity. Well, it was entertainment for him. Getting me to walk up a muddy slope in inappropriate footwear so I slipped was the ultimate in entertainment. He went a bit far getting my ageing mum to climb a slippery cliff. What a hoot he must have had.

Of course he didn’t admit his abuse: they always deny and minimise.

Though you are alone, anything is better than living with abuse. So glad to bear that you relish your freedom. You sound like an amazingly strong lady. x

[missgiddypants]

thanks Serenity on a walk if I complained a path was muddy he would call me a typical townie saying
I wanted all paths to be made up ones ,no don’t want to slip in mud or get blathered up with it either
I have 2 pictures on my fireplace one says ,take pride in how far you have come,have faith in how far you can go ,the other say I am the master of my soul ,I am the captain of my soul
done it all by myself with no help from any one as my family have all gone and my only sister has no
time for me as she puts all her time and energy into her grandkids ,never rings me or comes to my house
which I find hurtful ,so just keep myself busy doing my own thing x

[Lisa]

Hi missgiddypant,

Welcome to the forum. It must have been very painful when your partner left you, especially when you recognised all that he had already put you through. It can feel like a bitter blow but it sounds like despite all the pain you went through you have come out the other side. I know that life post dv can feel lonely but it’s great to hear that you are enjoying being abuse and control free. It will take you time to start to fully trust what you do and don’t like but learning about who you are can be an exciting experience.

Your pictures above your fireplace sound wonderful. Surround yourself with as much positivity and enjoyment as possible. You deserve it.

Best wishes

Lisa

[missgiddypants]

thanks Lisa ,yes it was very hard him leaving me after all he put me through and some of the things
I can’t talk to anyone about ,not sure if I will ever get over it ,but now at least I’ve come out
the other side it hasn’t been easy ,only recently being feeling low and depressed as it was my b/day
one which I spent my myself but did my own thing ,went away as I still have my cam**r
had a breakfast in a pub then set off ,was going to have my tea in pub where I was camping but as it not serve meals till 6pm midweek decided to eat the food I had brought with me ,I would have got a ticking off
for not going to the pub as I did often ,but in a way it’s that in itself that’s gives you the strength
living your life in the opposite way to how you lived before

[Serenity]

Hi Miss Giddy Pants,

Leaving an abuser, many find they are isolated due to them having invested all their energy into pacifying their abuser.

I am sorry that you don’t have supportive family, but if you want to look at the plus in this it is that you don’t have to deal with abuse from family members. My mother and sister – as soon as you think they are ok- they turn, and it is painful to realise that I think they could each be so destructive if I wasn’t careful. I truly believe there is something running through my family that isn’t right. The fact that I am so shocked by it I hope means I don’t have it!

It wasn’t my family who got me through my crisis, though some were very supportive. It was reaching out beyond my family and friends, to those who truly understood. Here, a support group, counselling, etc. As they say, you can’t choose your family. I think there is great support to be found out there.

I hope that you will be able to find some avenues for building up links x

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Miss Giddy Pants – how are you doing today?

I saw your comment on my post, and didn’t think you had been on here very long, so looked for your first post to hear your story.

I know what you mean, there are some terrible stories on here, and I do feel very lucky that mine was not as bad as some of the ladies on here.
Having said that each and every one of us has suffered at the hands of our abuser, and we all are hurting, we all are healing, and trying to get through it all as best we can.

I know I stayed with mine too long as well, but the fear of being alone was so great, after being married so long…..I honestly didn’t think I could face being on my own after all that time, but I did it – Im out and I’m free.

I’m not really alone, for I have my kids, but that was another thing that made me stay way too long, he would not move out of the family home, and I could not think of taking my kids away from the home they were born and brought up in, I just didn’t have the courage to make us homeless, but in the end it all became way too much, and we had to get out……

To all those of you who are still in a bad relationship. If you think you can’t do this – YOU CAN – I did it and if I can then ANYONE can!!!!

In the end what he did to you was the final act of control – taking away your right to leave him – he left you…..took away your home and then divorced you…..
He was a very controlling man and controlled you right to the end.

Your abuser contrled you by telling you what you could and could not do – mine controlled in a different way, never actually SAYING the words, but I just KNEW what I wasn’t allowed to do, and I knew what I had to do to keep the peace, to save us all from his moods and temper tantrums!!!

Mine too is in total denial about what he did, taking no blame and accepting no responsibility for what he did.

But anyway we are away from them now, and free at last and trying to make a new life for ourselves.

You are doing so well – good for you – onwards and upwards eh!!!!! 🙂

[missgiddypants]

I’M fine thanks ,I have often thought was what I got from my ex abuse or not ,compared to what some have gone through it wasn’t as bad as theirs but since writing stuff on here I have realised whatever it was it wasn’t right ,but the hell I went through when he decided he wanted this woman who was someone I knew was awful ,she was a player ,the more she knocked him back ,the more he went back but kept me dangling on just in case even took me away on holiday ,he still lived in my house ,went to work as he worked N***s then slept in the spare room and spent weekends with her ,came home one day and announced he was putting the house on the market ,which he did ,so one day as he was sat on the sofa I asked him if was going to be with her ,so he says No ,don’t think I’m ever going to be with her but not want to be with you either I’m divorcing you ,and he did as next thing was getting divorce papers served on me ,when I went to a solicitor I just broke down and cried saying I not want to be penniless and homeless ,she said you wont be ,he finally moved in with her but moved back couple of weeks later ,so I told him he had to rent a place so he did,but still saw him as he came round to see my d**s and walk them ,so I still got control then ,threats of I’m not paying the mortgage if I not do as I was told ,took a lower price for my house than I wanted to but my sister said accept or you will suffer for it later
have no contact with him now ,he wanted to have the D**s on a weekend but I refused after what he put me through ,I’m not sure if I will ever get over it ,if I will ever forget or it will torture me forever made a new life for myself ,but if it wasn’t for my 2 four legged pals I would do away with myself x

[Author]

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