Tagged: 

  • This topic has 15 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 years ago by Nova.
Viewing 15 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #41793
      lilaclady
      Participant

      Cannot believe my partner (and yet why didn’t I see this coming). Been separated due to me not being able to live with him due to his verbal abuse.

      He’s now talking to his friends and family and according to him they cannot believe how I have behaved towards him recently. Apparently at a recent dinner we were at (we were still doing things together as we were trying to get things back on track) his sister and friend couldn’t believe how much I was critising him and how I was treating him. And these were two people that I thought understood. I do wonder if he is making it up. But he’s said he had a really good conversation with his sister yesterday about it all. And he’s sick of the past year of me endlessly criticising him and he has done so many good things. So thats going to be his line oh she just criticised me all the time.

      His last words, see now its about YOU too its not just me who’s ruined our marriage.

      So now I see what its going to be like. It will be him twisting everything to the outside world.

      Again rocked to my core and totally broken.

    • #41800
      Lyng
      Participant

      Yes. Unfortunately this is what it’s like. And those close to the abuser who are in his Web will take any sympathy or empathy they seemed to have at the time and use it against you. My ex’s mom confided that he screamed at her and broke and stole things. Even that he stole his younger siblings’ paper money. Now she is fully on his side and says she never said those things. How could I have dreamed that up? She took things I said to her and twisted them and said them to my kids. My kids say I abused their dad and they remember it. When I say that I never did the kind of things he did or used the kinds of words he used, their eyes flicker for a minute and they defend him. They laugh at me in sarcastic disbelief when I give them truthful answers to their questions. It is very hard. But not as hard as living with him was. I read a lot on (detail removed by moderator) abuse and gaslighting. That’s what this twisting is. My kids are too young for me to explain it all. I try my best not to dwell on it. There will be no joy in that “I told you” moment that’s bound to come.

    • #41808
      lilaclady
      Participant

      So true Lyng.. he has been vile to his mother and sister in the past. And now shocked at me? Really? I am only grateful that my son is too young to be twisted in this way. You are so right it is hard but not as hard as living with him. My friend said to me for now don’t worry about other people (there is every chance he is also twisting what his sister has said to throw at me like a weapon) I am just concentrating on MY truth and what I know to be right.

    • #41809
      Nova
      Participant

      Interesting posts ladies…lilalady they are masters of manipulation, it’s one of the big tools used in abuive relationships. Listening v carefully, storing it twisting and throwing it back at you verbally, like it’s yours!

      I’ve said this before his issues became our issues …then became my issues!

      I used to think …like you I’m sure I didn’t say I hate his family…I know I didn’t…though he would take a throwaway comment and set light to it…as Lyng says …gaslighting…and give it a much worse slant, then tell me THATS what you said. Pulling me into his twisted world, wanting me to be ( to others) like him…in other words ‘Look at her she’s just as bad, we are both the same, she’s not a nice person’ …setting me up basically To that my reply is no no and no again!
      Your ex sounds like that he’s telling you what he wants you to hear, lies, that’s how they exist, playing people off against each other…guess who is in the centre of it all, pulling the strings orchestrating the dysfunction and abuse…yep you guessed right! Him.

      Cx

    • #41813
      lilaclady
      Participant

      Yes Cuppa I am learning that he is the master of manipulation and disguise. Has been his whole life. There will be a ton of people out there he will not BELIEVE we are separated. He’s such a charming man….so kind…such a great father. I fully accept that these men have their outside persona, and their inside one that only we see and experience. He is definitely telling me what he wants me to hear. And yes he’s the one right in the centre of this. And I also see it as other way of him just as usual blaming me for everything and never ever facing up to the fact that he has destroying our marriage. He just cannot accept that.

    • #41829
      Nova
      Participant

      I hear you! Exactly well said in a nutshell you have him summed up!! It’s easy ( afterwards) to sniff them out it’s usually where there’s a pile of doo doo! LOL
      Literally a trail which leads you right back to their door. I cannot believe although I understand the complexities..that people just don’t piece them together, from the outside they must be leaving huge clues as to their real character. I suppose in my case, he moved to a different place and his trail was more difficult to trace…as I was hearing only his side, the twisted version, of his ex wife and ex partner.
      His family ring fence him, as the weakest, the victim, I’ll make sure they know my side of his story, like it or not. The truth will be delivered into their worlds.

      Have to focus on my life first though…they are not my priority.

      Hugs

      Cx

    • #41856
      lilaclady
      Participant

      His family tip toe around him….like don’t upset him!! Constant walking on eggshells and I can’t do that. And his mother when he has outbursts at her just ignores it and I think she has been doing that his whole life (part of the problem). So when this ends it will be on me, I was just after his money, I changed when I had a baby blah blah blah…. but I won’t focus on that. You are so right Cuppa time to focus on YOUR life they are not your priority. And whenever I am out of this I will be doing the same. Hugs to you xx

    • #41869
      Nova
      Participant

      Lilaclady…Oh my days! WHY do their family just accept strange weird behaviour thats obviously abusive?

      Your right, this is a big part of their problem, Family to me means being there but not supporting anti social behaviour rudeness abuse bad manners etc etc…Im sorry but regardless, Im sick of hearing…oh he’s just like that, he’ll calm down…blah blah…this is what lets them believe they can and do, do anything they like, to whoever they like!
      Look that guy may jump up and down to his mum and the dog, but its not happening to anyone else. Its socially unacceptable in the ‘real world’ you just cant do what you want i’m afraid and it have no consequences, it does.
      He wouldn’t (detail removed by Moderator) to stand in front of his boss & Co. and do that…do you know what I mean..
      They save it up for their women and kids, as they are a ‘fixed’ audience…you don’t have any choice, they think in their deluded ‘I am’ minds…a big fish in a little ‘family’ pond. Disgusting

      Guess what No audience then No performance needed! If they want to freak out with the freak out childish poor me routine.. go and join a bleep bleep amateur dramatics group! LOL

      Cx

    • #41874
      lilaclady
      Participant

      He would NEVER EVER behave like this at work which always makes me think, well he has a choice in this behaviour really doesn’t he? His mum once said to me well you just need to stay calm, ignore it and do something else. REALLY? So I need to be calm and ignore? Like you say go and join the amateur dramatics mate and leave me out of it!! xx

    • #41890
      Nova
      Participant

      …haha you made me lol!
      your right course he has a choice, how can you ignore him?! err a grown man performing (detail removed by Moderator), seriously, how would anyone gain any respect in the ‘real world’.

      My ex is a total weak (detail removed by Moderator) acted his way around, had more faces than the town hall clock! A fraud basically.
      Who are these people??…nobodies who think they’re somebodies, woulda coulda shoulda types, never usually ammount to anything…:)

      take care and keep safe at all times for a brighter future ahead

      Cx

    • #42007
      Lightning-Jet
      Participant

      This aggravates me hugely. They twist everything around to make it look like they are the victims. Get their families and friends to feel sorry for them and then move on to their next victim. They will then tell their next victim what a terrible person you are. I could scream. (detail removed by Moderator)

      I know this will happen to me when I make the break. But what I am trying to keep in my head is that I know the full truth, the people who matter to me most know the truth. I have my proof if I need it. So he can get on with his sad story making. Let people get sucked in by his lies, he will get found out eventually.
      My concern is the mates of his who are more than happy to beat people up and destroy property. That scares me.

      What I do know is that I refuse to live the rest of my life like this, I have to do something about it.

      We are all here to support you, take care & keep safe xx

    • #42028
      lilaclady
      Participant

      Thanks Lighting Jet. The only thing that is keeping me going is sticking to MY truth. Like you say you know the full truth as do those people who matter to you. Sticking to that has really helped. I also know that my partner could well be twisting what other people are saying to aid him with more to throw at me so I am just not going to get involved in defending myself or he said she said if he wants to play that game he can do it on his own! X*x

    • #42042
      older lady
      Participant

      ‘so that’s going to be his line..’ and that is what it’s about. I’ve experienced this so much with my child’s father. He takes one line and he weaves his whole story around it, but it is a distortion of what has taken place, but it’s entirely believable to an audience without time, motivation or knowledge. He is such a fantasist, when I think about it. He tells people a whole story about his relationship with me, and it is a lie. He gets away with it because he controls who sees what, who speaks to whom and so on, so he is in the middle of it, like a gatekeeper controlling the flow of information and of course, there are no observers, just an audience for his storytelling. If he would be challenged he would get intimidating and aggressive and yet argue that this is because he is so offended by what he would describe as a character assassination, but what is in fact someone who has been or is being abused trying to talk about their experience, and being intimidated and fearing aggression and consequences soon shuts down the ability to talk about it so he remains in control. Someone who’s abusing you, who wants to control and dominate you in that relationship is never going to acknowledge it publicly in a genuine way and so there is no point in trying to have a genuine conversation with them. Even in the occasional moment when they summon the tears and tell you that they have history or baggage, if their intention is to reel you back in or avoid public exposure, its still a ploy and part of the storyline. When I’ve asked him about his behaviour towards me, he’s said ‘that’s not how I remember it’ or ‘you just have a problem with me’ or ‘don’t try that one with me, we both know…’ and sometimes, ‘it’s your word against mine’. But if he thinks I might seriously challenge him, he starts the threats ‘he will destroy me’ and what I think he means is, he will destroy me before I ever get to expose the facade and replace it with the truth.

    • #42093
      Lyng
      Participant

      I read through these today with a heavy heart. My kids are straight out lying and twisting and manipulating. It is abuse to pull kids into this. No one listens. Still supposed to maintain access, even though he is turning them into mini versions of him. Hate is too mild a word. My heart is black and cold and crushed.

    • #42254
      lilaclady
      Participant

      Gosh Older Lady your words ring so true with me! Just hit the nail on the head. Thank you for your reply. My partner cannot BELIEVE the character assassination I am doing of him when I speak up about how he has behaved and what needs to change. And you are so right he just wants to constantly remain in control.

      Lyng I do hope you’re ok. I can so see my partner wanting to change our son into a mini version of him when he is older. Stick to YOUR TRUTH you know what’s happened you know how you have felt and how he has made you feel. They just want control and power over us.

    • #42257
      Nova
      Participant

      Lyng, I’m really sorry to hear this and your kids involved to this extent, but I feel they will see the truth, they’ll begin to question, they’re bight and your their strong Mum brave & true, & constant..they are growing up your their rock and things will change, have faith in yourself. x
      Older lady, your are talking about all our ex’s here…mine was exactly that your describing.
      All the trickery, the silence, the nasty under the breath comments, which fly around and into the air, before you can catch them…or have the strength for another confrontation.

      He knew I’m a pacifist a carer a kind woman & a sharer. I’m not demanding (problem) or vindictive or a gossip, I try to see situations from all angles and put my self in the shoes of the other. I try to live and let live. The TOTAL opposite of him. So faced with your polar opposite, it is traumatic, here is a person in your life your home your mind your bed, that you are handing ALL of yourself over too. meanwhile they are cold manipulating and wanting to cause you harm, if not physically then mentally, and financially. They don’t love or like you your not even their friend.

      They see you/us as a opportunity to exploit.
      My advice to anyone in a suspect relationship, having doubts…listen to their words very carefully they often like to brag about things they…got away with, all the people they have used, and manipulated, they will talk about people constantly (as did my ex his ex’s who he detested, because they rejected him and his BS (and it got to him big time, how dare they be strong!)and ALL the things they did in life, that they didn’t have to take responsibility for, including us their kids the finances work their family…the LOT. Oh yes the abuser leaves a trail of destruction alright.

      peace and love and good vibes comin at ya ladies We will NOT be beaten CXX

Viewing 15 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

EXIT SITE

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content