All gone wrong. Freaking out

[bluedolphin]

I had to delete my account a while back because I panicked that he’d found out. I’ve wanted to come here again many times as I found people so understanding and supportive. Two awful things have happened and I feel desperate enough to risk posting. I wont’ mention specific incidents with him to keep things anonymous.

I found out recently my doctors have an adult safeguarding concern on me (but haven’t done anything yet to report to police or social services because I have mental capacity) but I have lost trust in them because of this and don’t feel able to tell them anything now.

I’ve now just found out it’s likely my neighbours have called the police. The police came round earlier. They were looking for the neighbours and said they wanted to speak to them about something. They didn’t ask to speak to me so I know it could be unrelated, but the neighbours have threatened to call the police before. I’m so scared all control will be taken away from me. Just when I was starting to work through my own plan which will take time but gives me control and would allow me to leave with as much of my life intact as possible.

I know I could deny anything has happened if the police get in contact but he will go mad if they get involved again. I’m also worried about him hurting himself because he is depressed. I know people will say that’s not my problem but I can’t help caring. I’m scared they will arrest him and I’m scared I’ll have no say or control in what happens because of the safeguarding concern. I’m safe for now but if he’s arrested I won’t be, which is ironic.

I feel embarrassed that I haven’t done anything yet but things sort of went wrong and I lost trust in support services in my area. It’s such an awful thing that there’s a postcode lottery. I have had some support from a local womens aid who I’ve been speaking to anonymously and I was hoping to plan my own get away plan in my own time so I had some control in my life.

[lover of no contact]

I know that feeling of fearing if things get out of control. I used to feel I was controlling things and didn’t want to let others know especially professionals in case things escalated out of my control. And you are right we can’t control people, places or things. We only have control over ourselves and our own actions.

Even if you don’t feel safe confiding in your doctors it is good you can confide and get support from Women’s Aid. No matter what you tell them they will not jump to any action, that is for you to do and they will only support you and be there for you until if and when you are ready to change things and take action.

Yes your caring nature makes you concerned if he chooses to hurt himself. But if he chooses to hurt himself he will have done it for 2 reasons to regain control, maintain the control/power in his relationship with you. If you can try and keep your compassion and concern for you alone.

Care about the hurt, fear, upset, distress and worry you are being put through by having a relationship with him. Also keep posting about this concern you have of him hurting himself. Its very real as we can’t switch off our empathetic natures. But maybe some other ladies replies and sharing of their experiences may help you have a different way of thinking about him choosing to self-harm, so keep posting about this concern of yours so you can work through it.

[maddog]

It never rains but it pours, bluedolphin. We need to be flexible about our plans. I was advised to pack a bag in case I needed to leave in a hurry over the weekend. My husband’s behaviour is becoming increasingly erratic and frankly increasingly scary.

If your neighbours have been in touch with the police, it is because they are concerned for your welfare. Your gp is clearly worried about you too.

If your partner is threatening to commit suicide, it is because he wants to manipulate you. He wants you to take responsibility for his behaviour. You can’t do that, any more than you can use your mind rays to win the lottery or whatever.

Please think of what you might say to a friend in the same situation. It is always easier to sort out someone else’s problems! And please try to be kind to yourself.

The police my end have never spoken to my husband as I have told them it would just make it more dangerous for me. My husband lies for Britain and has told me he wishes me harm. He told me that he was going to tell his gp that I am a p********h and an unfit mother. I believe he has done exactly that.

[bluedolphin]

Just wanted to thank you both for replying. I’ve posted an update on another thread I started so I’m sorry for any repeats. I don’t feel like saying much now because today is the first day I haven’t felt completely awful. I will start to feel horrible again unless I mentally take a break from the whole situation. I know I can’t avoid it for long because it’s not going away.

Lover of no contact, I keep confusing myself. I don’t know how much is him trying to control me and how much is him being depressed and bringing me down with him. I think he’s felt like hurting himself long before he met me. I can’t help worrying about what he’d do to himself if he was charged with anything. I wish I could just get away without police involvement. I’m trying and hoping to do that.

Maddog, you are so right about it pouring not raining, and so very right about it being easier to give someone else advice. I feel like I know what to suggest to you but couldn’t take the same advice myself. I hope you are ok. I think I remember a post from you once where you said you owned your home? Sorry if I’ve mixed you up with someone else. Could you have him removed? Or are you considering a refuge? I’ve also got an emergency bag packed (deja vue because I had one packed when I was a teenager). I’m having to accept that refuge may be the only option. It feels terrifying but I almost want to get it over with now so I can then start to rebuild my life if that’s possible. I think your situation doesn’t sound good. Your husband sounds like my partner I think. He lies so much even about silly things that he doesn’t need to lie about. I think he even lies to himself and believes his version of events. Like your husband, he’s told people that I’m “mental”. He told the police the same thing and played the victim.

[lover of no contact]

bluedolphin,

(detail removed by moderator)

Also in many recovery programs from addictions the first step is we have to admit that we are powerless over people, places and things’. We are powerless over other people’s choices. If your partner chooses to hurt himself this is his choice. He is an adult. We are not responsible for other adults’ choices. Only our won.

If a partner threatens to hurt themselves due to an action (or choice) we want to take then that is manipulation.

[Author]

Posts