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Another cycle complete. It was going to be different, we were going to make it work.
Then of course I “did something wrong”. Such minor, insignificant things. Things I didnt even see as things until…the familiar sound of the man who claims to love me swearing at me, calling me names, having a go at me for things I cannot possibly remedy.
It obviously escalates and by the end of proceedings he’s trying to humiliate me in front of another person/people and sneering at me and making rude gestures in front of the kids.
I am so sodding tired.
I remember, years ago, when this all hurt. I remember my breath catching in my chest and the feeling of his words hitting like actual physical pain. I remember the shaking and crying and curling up and waiting for sleep to make it better.
It doesn’t hurt now. I’m just weary.
When the children are awake I dont respond to any of it. I let him verbally go at me. If I show pain he gets worse, if I show anger he gets worse, if I try to smile through he gets worse…so I hold my face neutral. If a child is nearby I walk away and let him follow. After I’ll send a message or call explaining, again, that it isn’t OK to treat me like this etc etc etc.
When the children are asleep I avoid him or tell him calmly that he needs to pack it in when the kids are awake. Then let him go at me.
I try not to let what he says get to me. But I think there’s only so long you can be treated with cruelty before it crushes you a little. I feel crushed tonight.
He’s not terrifically violent. The odd shove here and there, various doors and whatnot “totally accidentally” hitting me (please read sarcasm). I dont think my physical wellbeing is particularly in danger.
The odd psychological thing comes into play. I foolishly told him about a past trauma years ago, and he has once or twice deliberately triggered this in me. Those were particularly awful days.
I feel detached from it. Maybe I’m depressed? I dont know. If I wasn’t detached I’d have to feel this all and I don’t want to. But somedays even sitting upright feels like an unsurmontsble challenge.
Anyway, if anyone has read this, thank you. And I’m sorry, it’s a pretty pointless post.
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Hi Sande, it’s Not a pointless post at all, I for so long wasn’t aware it was abuse, I just remember in the early days I’d stand my ground, stick up for myself (for all the good it did, it was like talking to a record player 🙄) and then I don’t know when or why but I just stopped. I stopped trying, I stopped caring and I just froze, I stared, stared at the floor, the wall, into space, there was no point showing any emotion, I was exhausted from it all, I was broken.
I eventually realised he was abusive and I ended the relationship, We no longer live together but He still rants and yells at me out of nowhere and now I feel it, I am no longer numb, I feel the pain you describe, Although it’s not physical it still hurts, like a punch to the stomach or a knife being twisted in your side, I have felt winded sometimes with it, just the emotional trauma that hits you again and again. But his defence was always ‘(removed by moderator)’
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Hi walkingonsunshine thank you for replying. I sometimes don’t know if it’s abuse either – sometimes I just think he’s a really horrible person. But I dont know if thats any different.
I’m glad to read that you’re out. Though I’m sorry to read that your ex still tries to be verbally abusive. It’s almost like they think they have the right. My partner has told me that it’s “only natural” that he gets “frustrated” with my behaviour – sort of like he sees me as a poorly behaved dog that needs training.
*sigh*
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It’s a form of learned helplessness that leads to depression. Please talk to your GP. I’ve lived through it and it only gets worse. They gaslight and lie and continually move the goal posts so we are left spinning helplessly trying to work out what happened. Eventually we give up. I gave up responding because it got me nowhere. There was no correct response, he didn’t want a correct response he simply wanted to abuse. That’s his basic goal. To abuse you to make himself feel big. It’s exhausting and debilitating when you’re in the middle of abuse. You can’t be happy and a good mum and a good wife and a good friend and a good daughter when all the energy is sapped from you. That’s what I noticed most. I can be me. I can support other that matter to me. I have a life again. They are nothing without us we are everything without them. Talk to your local women’s aid x
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Hi KIP,
Its funny you say that about not being able to be yourself around an abuser. Recently I’ve been able to spend time with a series of positive, lovely people – atually maybe just “normal” people – without my partner there. Each time ive come away feeling quite literally lighter, younger and healthier.
I came to the same conclusion as you too – there is no correct response. Even if I do somehow manage to make a reasoned cast iron point, he just abruptly changes the subject (usually onto something else ive done “wrong”. I really honestly loathe the man.
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