All movements monitored. Is it normal?

[Notmyrealname]

I think My partner has trust issues and I thought I was doing everything to be transparent and help him feel secure. He set up cameras outside the house so he will always see if I leave or if someone visits (no one visits). If I leave it’s only ever to go food shopping or take my children somewhere which he would normally be aware of. If I go somewhere not planned or scheduled (I only know this because it’s now happened) and tell him afterwards where I went. He will be annoyed and angry with me and say that for my safety I should always tell him where I’m going incase anything happens to me. And he also told me not to be angry or surprised when he goes somewhere without telling me. Saying I won’t know he’s gone because he’ll go from work.

Is it a normal request of a partner to want to know where you are 24/7 or is it acceptable to chat when you see each other in the evening and tell each other about your day?

I’m so confused between feeling trapped and monitored and wondering if he’s right and I should always text him before I go anywhere?

And is it right that I would expect him to tell me if he’s not going to work and going somewhere else for the day? Or leaving work early to go somewhere?

I’m not a jealous person but I’m feeling more and more paranoid.

Is this normal?

[Hereforhelp]

Hi notmyrealname, this isn’t trust issues, he is trying to be in control of you and how he wants the relationship. He sounds suffocating, to keep tabs 24/7 is not healthy and will be impacting your mental health.

Him being annoyed/angry and saying it is for your own safety is a tactic. Why would he think something would happen to you? That’s not him caring about you, that’s him telling you the rules, his rules!

He is setting one rule for you and using excuses to justify his suffocating and controlling behaviours and setting a different rule for him.

Have you read Living with the Dominater by Pat Craven? It is a really helpful book about DA, it is what the Freedom Programme is based on. Another book I found helpful is by Lundy Bancroft called Why Does He Do That.

Do you have any support?

Keep posting ❤️

[Notmyrealname]

Thank you for the book recommendations. What you say about one rule for him, he said I was making it one rule for ME and a different rule for him by going somewhere and not telling him beforehand. I’ve never asked him to tell me his every move but he does text me if he’s going somewhere on his way over and so I kind of feel like he created this way of being. But I have NO way of knowing if what he texts me is true as there’s no cameras on him. I trust him that he’s going where he says he’s going I don’t need him to tell me his every move. But after this event of me going out and telling him later he then said he would deliberately go somewhere and not tell me because I can’t have it one way for me and another for him. I never asked for the constant information, and also that makes him sound calculated.

I don’t have any support but now I’ve found this I can’t tell you how much better I felt when I saw someone had actually read and replied to me. So thank you.

[Lisa]

Hi notmyrealname,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. What you have described is very concerning, monitoring your partner in that way is not normal and you are right to be worried about this.

This is very controlling and you mentioned his angry response if you don’t tell him exactly where you are. You know something isn’t right, trust your instincts.

I think it would be helpful for you to talk it through in more detail, so perhaps you could try using our Live Chat to talk to a Women’s Aid support worker in confidence about your situation. They will not tell you what to do but they can give support, practical information, and discuss with you any options that are available based on your specific circumstances. They can talk about the dynamics of an abusive relationship and hopefully should be able to provide more clarity for you.

Keep posting whenever you’d like to,

Lisa

[Notmyrealname]

Thank you I have called the help line a few weeks ago when I needed help in how to respond to him getting annoyed about the clothes I chose to wear. What he was saying wasn’t true but I didn’t jknow how to counter his argument, I didn’t know how to convince him. I called to see if there was a way of responding to it because I didn’t want to lose the relationship over a few outfits. That’s what I thought at the time. It’s like with the cameras I wasn’t sure if he’s actually right and it’s a normal caring thing to want to know where I am.

My instincts are now telling me it’s not normal.

[Bananaboat]

Flip it around – does he tell you where he’s going every time, who with and for how long? Do you want him to or do you trust him. In fact you say he’s told you not to ask him and he’s not going to tell you, so why is it one rule for him and one for you?

No, it’s not normal behaviour to monitor your every move and expect you to tell him everything. You’re an adult who can look after themselves. As everyone has said above, this is a red flag and you’ll probably find there’s others too once you scratch the surface and watch his actions.

[Notmyrealname]

Thank you I have called the help line a few weeks ago when I needed help in how to respond to him getting annoyed about the clothes I chose to wear. What he was saying wasn’t true but I didn’t know how to counter his argument, I didn’t know how to convince him. I called to see if there was a way of responding to it because I didn’t want to lose the relationship over a few outfits. That’s what I thought at the time. It’s like with the cameras I wasn’t sure if he’s actually right and it’s a normal caring thing to want to know where I am.

My instincts are now telling me it’s not normal.

[Notmyrealname]

Hi Bananaboat. He was always telling me if he went somewhere but I didn’t ask him to he just started to do it and it’s become normal now. But like I said I just trust that what he says is true. I’d rather be free to meet up with friends then have the constant monitoring. I haven’t seen any of my friends, my best friend is a male we’re like brother and sister and when I made plans to catch up with him my partner asked me if I’d had sex with my friend and said my friend probably does want to have sex with me. Bearing in mind he’s in a long term relationship and just bought a house together. We would never do that we’re purely platonic we’re like siblings. So I have no contact with outside apart from the supermarket, especially now that school is over and I don’t see any mums.

This forum is good for me.

[Author]

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