All over the place

[pizzaislife]

Hi

I’m all over the place trying to figure out my husband’s behaviour and what is causing it and whether I’m in the wrong and need to address my issues. I’m at a loss. Reading the posts in this forum have made me wonder if it is abuse. For years I’ve been thinking he might be depressed (there’s a family history of depression in his family), but now I’m not so sure anymore. Maybe it’s a bit of both? I think I need to have some reassurance that I am not being unreasonable with my behaviour and that he is definitely not acting ‘normal’ (whatever that is).

Here are some of the main arguments we are having at the moment:
– My dad is coming to visit us for our boys birthday. He lives in another country and doesn’t visit very often. He’s coming specifically for our little boys birthday and to see his grandchild. His birthday is on a Monday. They are staying in a hotel, but the first thing my husband said was that he didn’t want them in the house when he gets home from work. I think he is being entirely unreasonable to expect my dad and his partner to eat out when they are already staying in a hotel. They would only be here for dinner and then go straight back to their hotel. They would of course like to be here for our little boy to unwrap his presents and have his cake on his birthday. My husband is now suggesting we should celebrate the birthday a day earlier when my dad and his partner aren’t here yet, but I don’t think that’s fair either as they would then miss out on the ‘small’ celebration that we had planned (cake, presents – nothing more). He is now complaining that he is being shut out of his sons birthday because he’s at work. I’m at work too until lunch time when my dad arrives. We will most likely pick our little boy up from nursery earlier to take him to the park but we won’t have any birthday celebrations until my husband gets home from work.
– Another bone of contention recently was that I was invited to a wedding (together with our son) which didn’t include my husband. My friend has never met my husband before (we know each other through our children) and they were trying to keep costs down. He was outraged that someone would invite one spouse but not the other. He was even more outraged that I went and complained that I was taken our little boy away from him and he missed the experience of his first wedding.

The above are two major sticking points we have at the moment, below are some more general things he does
– I’m always at fault for everything. Sometimes I can’t even twitch an eyebrow without him implying that something must be wrong. He’s always commenting on my tone of voice, or the supposed looks I’m giving him.
– He never apologizes for his behaviour. He sometimes makes subtle changes to his behaviour if he has realised that he was at fault, but he never apologises and he soon goes back to old habits.
– He doesn’t help out with any of the housework or childcare. To say he does nothing is harsh (although I do and it really enrages him), but he doesn’t muck in with the day to day stuff. I often come down late after having put the little one to bed to find him on the sofa whilst there’s a pile of dishes on the side in the kitchen. I have asked him to help out a bit more, but I just get told that he’s tired from work. He has a long day and commute, but I also have a full time job (work from home) and do all the housework (ok, we have a cleaner but she only comes once a week), the childcare and the dog care. He completely flipped when I suggested he’d help more and said that he was completely incapable of doing anything else.
– He doesn’t stop me from seeing friends, but he does make me feel guilty for going out without him or taking our little boy out without him (he doesn’t leave the house during the week apart from work and also doesn’t go out on Sundays).

We have spoken about divorce before, but the first time this talk got serious he threatened to ‘bleed me dry’ and then take our boy away from me. He keeps saying how our son isn’t safe with me (I once gave him grapes that hadn’t been cut; and I took the batteries out of our smoke alarm when it was going off early in the morning and waking up the whole house and neighbours) He got really nasty and I now realise that he just wanted to stop me from actually leaving him.
We did discuss divorce again recently and I went as far as organising estate agents to sell our house when he said that we shouldn’t do it because it would leave us both in financial difficulties (we both have well paid jobs and although we wouldn’t be as well off as now, we could certainly manage). He also said that if we divorced then he would want a clean break and move away as he couldn’t bear just seeing his child every so often. He basically threatened that our child would lose his dad.

Sorry for the lengthy message, but there are so many things going on. There have been other things and there have been a few incidents where I have been frightened of him, but I always shrug it off and blame it on him having had a drink or others. He has never hit me or been violent to me, but the threat has been there…
Please tell me it’s not me and please tell me what I can do to make it better. Do I need to get out? Can couples therapy help? Thanks

[backtome]

Reading this made me realise just how alike these “men” are. I literally cannot move without mine without some sort of kick off. The birthday thing especially resonates with me as every time I’ve done something for our little girls birthday I’ve invited family (e.g. a small gathering at home, a party in a hall etc) and every time there’s been an argument about how they’re “interfering”. I invite his family as well, but because they’re not close he doesn’t think they should be invited either. When she was a baby, we had a get together at home and he more or less just held on to her the whole time and stood over the other side of the room.

I was also given the “I’m not being a part time dad” (paraphrased, not actual words) where he said he would not want anything to do with our daughter if he wasn’t living with us full time. He knows that would break her heart and that I wouldn’t want that, hence why I keep letting him come back!

Trust me, it’s not you, just like I’m finally realising it’s not me and that these people will do what they can to control you. It sounds as though you’ve tried to talk to him etc. and nothing has changed.

Hope you find the clarity you need to make the right decision. x

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