All part of the same play ; it’s just a different scene

[Queenie]

Having finally realised that my desperate unhappiness and feelings of inadequacy (and and many more negative emotions) is because my husband is emotionally abusing me. Having finally caught up with the rest of my family who have been telling me for years that this is what he has been doing. I know now, I absolutely know that no matter how hard I try to make him understand what his behaviour is doing to me he won’t change. Ive got a place to go but I am having to wait 2 wks until it’s ready. I am so scared that he will be able to manipulate me into continuing the marriage. He is currenetly behaving like he is going for a ‘best husband’ oscar. This is a well trodden circular pattern in our marriage and course when he is nice he is lovely but I am managing to mentally resist by thinking that this is all part of the same act; it is just a different scene. At the moment that is keeping me resolved to take my life back

[KIP.]

Hi, write down every single incident of abuse that you can remember and how it made you feel. Keep the list and read it when you feel weak. Don’t let him know you’re leaving as this is the most dangerous time for you. Good luck taking your own life back. Power to you ✊️

[Queenie]

KIP,
Thank you, wise words. I have been writing things down for a while now mainly to enable me to express myself and have the voice that he works so diligently at silencing. It was writing it all down that has helped me finally realise what is happening. I hadnt really thought about continuing in writing once I had understood the pattern but I will continue to do so, thank you. The emotions I am feeling have been a bit of a shock. I realise now that I have been numb for a very long time, probably as a means of survival but I’m not numb now. My mains feelings in fluctuating intensity are anger, humiliation, shame, indignition. I know that I need to feel all of this as a motivator to leave and also to heal. I feel that I have let my children down and that is crucifying me at the moment x

[KIP.]

You have not let your children down. There is only one person who has done hat and he is your abuser. We go into survivor mode to cope and we do what we have to do to survive. All our headspace is taken up trying to cope with an abuser which leaves nothing left to rationalise what is happening to us. So don’t carry his guilt for him. Just keep going and taking all the help offered and if you can get important documentation like birth certs and marriage certs and bank statements etc. Try to get in a strong position for when push comes to shove. Speak to your local women’s aid and get a safe exit plan in place because he will play his mindgames when you go so get all your ducks in a row x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Queenie, that’s great news to hear and it also gladdens my heart that you have family around who have recognised his behaviour and who truly love you. The FOG of abuse is so hard to see through, (that stands for fear obligation and guilt and that we have in spades). Definately don’t let him on to the fact you are leaving, don’t even tell the children just in case they let it slip. Can you move anything out of your house and store it at a friend or relatives until moving in day. Have you managed to get copies of all joint paperwork or originals. Sone have been known to hide/ destroy marriage certificates, which silly them, are easy to get new copies made of, for a fee. He will definately try to make out he’s worse off than what he is. Absolutely keep journaling, before,during and after. You don’t know how or where this is going to go, so being prepared for future court visits is a must. Not everyone ends up there, but being prepared is an ace in your pocket. Have you spoken to anyone at WA yet, they can help with the logistics and offer invaluable real time support too. You seem to have this in the bag, I’m so proud of you. At the end of the day being unhappy is grounds enough to leave a relationship, go find your own peace and sanctuary.
Love and light 💕💕

[Queenie]

Good points each. I will photocopy all of our documents at the first chance I get though tbh I don’t think he would even know where to start in finding our marriage certificate but I won’t take that for granted; he is a master of deceit after all.I am making sure that the place I am going to is completely ready so that I can just walk out and not need to come back for anything. There is no going back from this realisation in my mind. Stay strong and keep growing x

[Author]

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