18th April 2020 at 6:53 pm #101211WarriorinwaitingParticipant
(detail removed by moderator) year ago i left a physically and psychologically abusive relationship.
I already had a fragile mental state going into this relationship. i had previously had a big anxiety breakdown and kind of floated through life since then. along came abuser.
He completely shattered my mental state and i allowed it.
his life is rubbish, full of addictions, poverty and illness.
i was smiley bubbly happy…he took all that away
since leaving iv never attached myself to anyone. Too scared to be vulnerable to them again. my anxiety worsened, joined with depression and a lot of self hatred for allowing myself to go through that.
over the time my heart mended. i know that the person i had feelings for and all the good i saw in the abuser was just an act and a way of control.
my head is filled with anger and hurt. so angry at myself it gives very intrusive thoughts but cant act on it and wont (i keep myself safe). Over time this manifested into anger towards him. How dare he have any ounce of happiness when i still hate myself so much. i have this burning desire that eats me up to see him suffer, see him in pain and upset. but i know i cant do anything to cause that. so it eats me up more. every so often i unblocked too see if by chance karma has done her job. but she seems to miss every time.
(detail removed by moderator) months ago i met an incredible man. first night we met, after several drinks i felt so comfortable with him i spilled out all my troubles, i believed at this point all people could see was a broken girl. he didn’t. he saw me under it all and stuck with me from then. watched me have my outstanding meltdowns and picked me up, helped me redecorate to remove bad memories, listened and advised. made me realise the person i was before the abuse is still in here. he brought me back to me. gives me hope, drive and determination. as well as being incredibly sexy, romantic funny and just built like a god. he became my lover and my best friend.
around valentines we had a big fall out and separated. new partner blocked me out for a couple of days. made me feel like i was nothing again. i broke again just like i did (detail removed by moderator)years ago. only worse. my anger and desire for revenge on abuser had gone for a short while but this brought it all back. i unblocked. abuser made contact and i stupidly responded. i wanted to see if his life was as rubbish as mine. it is. but then i continued to talk. sent photo of a pet he asked for. then i got angry again. a memory popped up of us together (detail removed by moderator)years ago. i know it was his fave pic so sent it him in small hope it would make him hurt for second. i then re-blocked and made up with new partner.
me and new partner went from strength to strength. my mental health has stabled. we said we loved each other, he met my child, i his friends, iv signed up-to uni and started a training course for a new career path while i study. even sorted a plan to help with my debts and that was no longer a burden. life and my relationship was going from strength to strength.
covid happened. i saw a news article about the area my abuser is from being overun with patients. i had an impulsive excited feeling of ‘oh yes finally maybe karma has visited him’ i unblocked to look but fell asleep and didnt even look. i forgot.
abuser saw, saw i was happily in my new relationship and has contaced my new partner to say i went running back and always will. hes sent him parts of our conversation but not all. i have deleted so cant show current partner the rest.
current partner is very rightly so, feeling hurt and betrayed and confused as to why i would even engage with someone who broke me so much. without showing the full message thread i cant show him the partts where i told my abuser how much i hated him.
my current parnter is struggling to see our future together now.
ladies help me, how do i show that all me and my current partner have is still there and has not changed. i spoke in a moment of madness. my desire to find out if hes suffering and weakness to stop the conversation. that moment of weekness repulsed me. had a few bad days mentally at first where i hated myself for doing it. weak and pathetic stupid little victim again.
this time my mental state is not dipping. i will not allow my abuser to destroy my mind like hes trying to again. i am no longer a victim. i am the strong women i have become. i am the women my new partner loves.
the need and desire for the abuser to suffer is subsiding the happier i become. even now. im angry at what hes done trying to destroy our happiness but at same time its not driving me to want to engage like it used to, at the moment its not making me want to find out if hes unhappy in anyway. its just making me more determined to continue to be happy in myself, with my life and with my new partner. how do i make my new partner see and believe this. i am afraid to lose him. it will break my heart but not break me as a person.
iv never spoken to other women about how they overcome that part that holds the why im reaching out. im OK now but don’t ever want to go back to that moment i was in where i last conversed with the abuser. i don’t want his welfare to enter my mind ever again. im on a waiting list for counselling.
i don’t want to lose my current relationship especially not like this. we are amazing and have such a great and realistically achievable future planned out for us. we make the perfect team. i cant let my last mental breakdown ruin this when iv finally become so head strong and on the path to becoming the women iv always wanted to be. hes the perfect man to have by my side and help compliment the best parts of each other.
18th April 2020 at 7:37 pm #101216IwantmebackParticipant
Please Don’t beat yourself up, you’re only human, anger is a terrible bedfellow, without the issues being resolved one way or another anger can become all consuming. Being angry can also be our protection, our armour. You’re slowly letting that go with the love and support from your new partner. But he can never truly know what it’s like to have been abused,if he’s never been abused. he’s only going on what your ex has said, doesn’t know the art of manipulation, sadly even when people know us, once someone puts that wee seed of doubt in their head it just grows arms and legs. I’m not sure how to go forward, all I can see is you trying to convince him that you in a moment of weakness or curiosity or whatever it was, if he’s prepared to listen to someone who he knows hurt you beyond the pale, then maybe he’s not really the man fir you. He needs to look closely at himself too, is it his ego that’s Been hurt here, what is it that’s really at the bottom of his problem in not listening to your side of it. And also he’s just giving your ex exactly what he wants, the chance to feed off others chaos, chaos he’s created.
I hope your new man can be grown up enough to see this fir what it was, but if he sulks, makes demands, well we know where that goes. I really really do hope this works for you the way you want, but be prepared for the worst.
Keep posting, maybe someone else will be more helpful.
Can you imagining years ago if you’d asked for advice from over of those good housekeeping magazines. They’d probably have had you dolling up to the nines, cooking his favourite meal and grovelling For however long it took preparing you for a lifetime of domestic abuse all because of one momentary need in yourself. No matter how long we’re away from an abusive ex, it just shows that need (whatever it is) is still there lying dormant.
Take care IWMB 💞💞
18th April 2020 at 9:08 pm #101225HeadspinningParticipant
To be honest – the new guy falling out and blocking you out for a few days at Valentine’s is another of a red flag…
Maybe we are all conditioned on here to assume the worst but why did new guy block you out for a few days if he is so great? I’m worried for you that that is an early warning sign.
Either way – if he is the right guy for you he will see past one text conversation, and if he isn’t then be glad you have found that out now.
Also – your ex has reinforced his true colours! Don’t give him any more opportunities to sneak back into your life!! X
30th April 2020 at 4:10 am #102111WarriorinwaitingParticipant
Thankyou for your reply ladies.
Still in same position with new partner.
To the first responder. You are saying exactly what my friends have. They understand more as they saw me through it all over the years. Will be back tomorrow to update more
Thankyou for understanding
Thankyou for taking the time to reply.
30th April 2020 at 12:13 pm #102127IwantmebackParticipant
Warriorinwaiting, love the name by the way, you are a warrior, you have the tenacity, the battle scars. Bi làidir mo chàraid (be strong my friend)
Sending strength IWMB 💞💞
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