Allowing myself to be abused

[HonestAnonymous]

It took a long time for me to realise that abuse doesn’t always leave a bruise.
It isn’t always “traditional” abuse and it comes in many forms but the mental affect is just as hard to live with.
It hurts me even now that I still feel angrier at myself than I do at the person I was in a relationship with almost (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. After being together almost (detail removed by Moderator) years I thought that this was the person who loves me and will care for me and at the time I tried to convince myself he wasn’t doing anything wrong but in reality there was numerous occasions that he raped me. One time I had been drinking and was pretty much almost passed out, I couldn’t even move or string words together properly but as my boyfriend it was expected that he would be able to have sex with me. A more prominent time that I can play over in my head so clearly was him pinning my arms down to the bed so hard that I couldn’t move and I was saying no but he still went ahead and got the action he wanted. It took me a long time to get myself out of the relationship and even longer to fully realise the seriousness of what he had done to me but I still cant find myself to hate him and felt after so long I just had to accept what had happened. I cannot begin to imagine how it feels to be attacked and raped on the street and when I think of this I almost feel guilty for being so affected by my own situation but rape is rape no matter who it is that’s doing it and NO means NO and I can share that its also a heart-breaking to experience it by someone who is supposed to love you, look after you and not hurt you.
What I have come to realise over the years is just how much that situation has not only affected other relationships I have had but also how it doesn’t make you stronger to have ‘survived’ like I’ve heard many people say before. If anything it made me more susceptible to being treated like that because maybe that made me feel like that’s what I deserved. It wasn’t until a few years later that I allowed myself to be treated like this not even by another partner but by my boss when going through a difficult time I found myself being used by my boss. In his eyes I was only performing well it seemed when I was flirting with him or making him think that he was going to get what he wanted and I hate to admit that I caved into those behaviours and felt like the only way I was going to succeed was by allowing him to treat me like this and eventually he made physical advances on me where I then felt cornered and like I had no way back. What’s worse with this situation is I put myself in a position to take it and I almost felt like as long as he was doing this with me that the other girls in my team would remain safe from his inappropriate behaviour but now I feel guilty having let my boss get away with it that someone else could now be going through the same thing with him.
Now I do think about it all sometimes, like when I’m watching a programme on tv or a film that has scenes of or talks about rape. I think about it when conversations come up about someone being raped in the news. I think about it when I feel like my partner is being pushy. My current partner knows about the situation and he was so angry about it when I had the courage to tell him and I know that this situation would never happen with him and yet its still in my head sometimes.
The hardest thing about my situations is feeling more disgusted and angrier at myself than at the people who have hurt me. All I can say is that having moved away and grown a lot as a person over the last (detail removed by Moderator) years that well hopefully first of all I wouldn’t allow such behaviour again but more importantly I wanted to finally share my experience and I’m not afraid to stand up and say it anymore.

[Ariadne]

Hello HonestAnonymous,

You have left such a beautiful, brave and insightful post that I had to jump in. It is so true that oftentimes the deepest wounds are those stemming from emotional and psychological abuse. And from what you write, you have been through a lot. I am glad you are now in a position to talk about it, and that you have a supportive partner. Hopefully, eventually you’ll realise how to let go of any shame associated with that abuse (and none of it was your fault, and you did not deserve any of it, and you are in no way lesser because of it) and embrace a new and empowered life.

I, too, can now look back and see moments where, with my abusive ex or with others, I have been taken advantaged of sexually and have been coerced into doing things I did not want to do. It is difficult to come to terms with those moments, when you are not sure if you could’ve done something different.
Look back at yourself then, in the past, and imagine giving your past you a big hug, and say to her that you will protect her and her needs from now on.

Please take care of yourself <3

[Sunflowersunshine]

This post was so well written and articulated thoughts I often feel too. Thank you for sharing.

[nbumblebee]

Wow what a post.
Thank you for having the courage to share.
I was treated badly as a child by a family member then as a young adult i now know i was raped by a different family member and now i live with a nasty man. I often feel like i must bring it on myself that I must be to blame that im the bad guy so I completly get where you are coming from.
It may even be one of the reason why i dont leave i deserve this life.
To hear someone else say something similar and the fact that I want to hug you tight and tell you none of this is your fault none of it that you did nothing wrong at all and that you are amazing for getting through it for getting out and for talking about it makes me wonder why i cant say that to myself and if I will ever be able to say it. Last night i found out that in just over a month I will have to see both my family member who hurt me at an event i cant miss it and i feel sick already. I will be reminded of what happened be forced to talk to them look at them be near them Im the same as you I am always reminded of what happened to me always it will never ever go away and I dont have any answers but we have to find a way to cope to wake up each morning and live our lives without fear without being taken back. We need to get stronger learn to cope better learn to maybe even love ourselves and remind ourselves we were not to blame but not easy is it?
I hope you have support to help you guide you through maybe you could talk to a counsellor you dont have to cope alone with these feelings it does help to talk.
Sending you hugs and best wishes sweetie x

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