Almost hilarious except it isnt

[Confusedyetclear]

Hi all I hope everyone is good or at least the best they can be today!
In my moment of forgetting I was dealing with a rational human being I decided to discuss my unborn child with my abuser… Gosh I hate saying that. I had hoped this talk would bring some kind of clarity to get me out of the hole in being indecisive in how to proceed. The outcome was laughable although it really dam isn’t. The only information I was given was that ….he will decide our babies name because (detail removed by Moderator) and that he insists on a small op on the baby (detail removed by Moderator) if it is male. He has told me there will be consequences if I abort and was clear he would leave my life if I did as he would see me as a (detail removed by Moderator)
My mind is almost blown as to how this came out of his mouth and I guess it helped confirmed a little that I am going to be controlled beyond belief if I proceed.legal services are advising me to be as. co operative as I can be in co parenting and on paper he doesn’t really look like much of a risk.2022 is not my favourite year… I just wanted to rant so if you have got this far thank you xx

[Eggshells]

Oh hon. That’s horrible. If you decide not to go continue with the pregnancy it might be best to tell him you miscarried.

You’ll still be (detail removed by Moderator) to him but you might be a little safer.

Whichever route you choose I hope you are able to exclude him ftom your life. He’s toxic. xx

[KindnessIsntAWeakness]

Hi lovely. How you’ve been spoken to is horrible. This is your body and you and only you should be allowed to decide what is best. To say that ‘he is picking the name’ and if you abort he will see you as a (detail removed by Moderator) is so cruel and controlling. And untrue!

Ultimately only you can decide what is best for you. Try not to feel pressured or rushed into any decision. Whatever you decide you must put your needs at the forefront. And always be sure that you keep yourself as safe as possible.

I found out I was pregnant after I left my abuser (agree that it’s still weird saying that and coming to terms with the fact that this was what he was/is). I decided not to tell him until I chose what I wanted to do. I felt like I didn’t have a choice but to terminate the pregnancy. We talked (I said I had miscarried because I knew he would blow up at me) and he seemed to understand but within a day or two his behaviour went back to ‘normal’ – telling me I lied about the pregnancy, he told me I cheated on him and it wasn’t his. I got it all. Whatever you decide men like this will unfortunately always be toxic, so try your best to shut out and ignore his rubbish chat and do what you want and need. I hope you have a good support network around you – and the forum is always here. ranting is good for the soul and is so necessary!

I really feel for you as I’ve been through it. But stay strong ❤️ And put yourself first x

[Confusedyetclear]

Thank you for the replies !!!
This is probably the worst situation I think I have ever found myself in ever. It’s a game changer every time I open my eyes and come to a different decision daily. I think I know in my gut I am going to have a miserable future if I proceed and the fact he would quote (detail removed by Moderator) is not a fight I think I am strong enough to take on. This places helps so much and all the posts I read I feel we must have the same partner then I have to remind myself that this really is abuse and he really is an abuser and isn’t special as a one off or unique in him being different. There are so many of them yet they are all so similar it is scary.
Thank you for your kind words… X*x

[Wants To Help]

Hi again 🙂

Your post has been redacted as to what he has actually said but I can fill in the gaps.

Legal services have no idea do they…?

We all know you can’t co-operate or co-parent with an abuser so their advice really is not something you are able to realistically consider in your decision making.

This man is showing you exactly who he is and what his intentions are. Don’t let your desires for how you want him to behave cloud your judgement here. Often we fool ourselves in to thinking that ‘surely he can’t be that bad all his life’ and ‘one day he’ll come round to my way of thinking and he’ll see that he needs to change’. This is us projecting our desire of what we want our partner to be like and trying to see that in them, when clearly they are nothing like what we want, or need, at all!

I watched a Matthew Hussey video the other day that was great. It asked us to list exactly what it is about someone that we really like/love/want about them? If the answer was based on looks, or chemistry, or charisma, or that ‘I don’t know, there’s just something about him’ then these are not good signs and show a trauma bond. If the answers are ‘he’s kind, he’s caring, he does what he says he’ll do, he shows up for me, he’s reliable, he’s supportive, he makes me feel secure and good about myself, he’s loyal, he never makes me doubt him/myself’ then these are good signs.

We tend to look too much into being physically attracted to someone and what material things they can provide for us rather than what is really important. I am guilty of this too. I stayed with my ex because he was extremely good looking and I knew someone else would soon be on his arm! Looking back, definitely not a reason to stay with someone, but a lot of that was due to my own insecurities at the time too and not wanting to be on my own.

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