Almost ready to go

[Butterfly-A]

I feel I’m so nearly there with convincing myself it’s time to leave.

But every time I think I am ready to go, I look at him and just can’t help to feel sorry for him, I feel he doesn’t even see what’s coming, and this questions me if its really him that’s the problem.

Ive noticed recently as Ive started sticking up for myself more in arguments he has backed down. A few days ago the smallest thing would upset him, he’d be throwing chairs and screaming at me in no time, but suddenly this seems to have stopped. It’s awful but im angry at him for it, these were the reasons I wanted to leave and now what?

I know he hasn’t changed because of comments but I feel torn.

I pray for a day that I won’t have to think so deeply into these circumstances.

[Better-days]

Hi I have not too much advice but didn’t want to read and run. I know that there’s girls on here in the same position. If your partner sees your changing he will change. Unfortunately mines is the opposite he’s not physically violet but the stronger iv got the more he’s trying to bring me down criticise everything I do ect. Like you I will feel sorry for him when I leave as I will need to just take my kids and go one day he’s at work. I tried to leave and he lost it smashing stuff ect and told me kids won’t be going with me. It’s so difficult because we feel bad bacause we have a natural ability to care if we hurt someone. I know I will feel guilty too when that day comes but what other choice do we have and if they were nice people we wouldnt have to do it this way. I hope you stay strong and I admire you for what you are doing iv been building the strength for years. X

[Butterfly-A]

Hi Better-days,

thank you for your message. Love the username, better days really are coming and you deserve every 1 of them!

Im sorry to hear that your partners behaviour gets worse, it can be impossible to predict how they are going to act sometimes, so many mind games!

Yes that’s very true about the natural ability to care. Like you say though, we wouldn’t have to do it if they were nice, im sure they dont feel guilty everyday for the control they have over our lives!

I know it’s hard to plan to leave, does he work full time? Depending on how you feel, you could always speak to the school for support? I am too scared of the physical violence that would come if I left (currently he isnt physically violent but similar to you he does throw things and usually threatens himself), I guess the thing is these people are going to be violent either way and we have to choose whether we want to see that every time there’s a small argument or just one last time, I also believe they do this because they know it gets them their way. His actions are his choice and he has to take the consequences of them.

You could also speak to your health visitor or school nurse depending on the age of your children.

Sometimes it takes years to be ready, sometimes it may take months or days however the most important thing is that we get out safely at a time that is right for us. The time will come and I hope you enjoy every minute of it.

all the best,

[barra]

Hey Butterfly-A
The only question you need to be asking is whether the relationship is making you happy?
Whatever you decide to do, he’ll cope with the outcome and eventually you’ll both move on. You don’t owe it to anyone to be unhappy for their sake though. If you know you’re not happy you don’t have to wait for the bad times before you leave. You can’t always forgive & forget the past, if the trust is gone it’s gone.

You’ve not given away a lot about your situation, but if there’s been times where he’s thrown chairs and screamed at you the relationship is clearly abusive.

There are two things that really helped me to understand when I was leaving my partner:

1 – Cycle of abuse
The reconciliation and calm phases are as much a part of the abuse as the screaming and violence. They’re what keep you in the relationship, believing things can get better. Only they don’t get better, and next time it’s worse, and you feel more scared, and you make more compromise.

2 – The power & control wheel https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/
Ask yourself how much of his behaviour comes back to this even if he’s not being violent at the moment?

Hope this helps. If you want to elaborate any more feel free to dm me

[Butterfly-A]

Hi Barra,

thank you for your reply and advice.

such an interesting take on it that I needed to hear.

thank you

[Stuckinturmoil]

Hi butterfly. I know exactly where you are coming from. I filed for divorce months ago we are still living in the same house. He has mad a few small tweaks such as now and again listening to what I say and I can see him trying to reign in his rages a bit. But is this enough. Is it just breadcrumbing as Dr Ramani calls it.
I have the solicitor chasing me to move things on and charging me just to chase me.
The only thing I cans say is it’s unlikely it will be a permanent change. But it could be. Or he could just be messing with your head.
It’s just an awful situation I fully sympathise x

[StrongLife]

Congratulations to getting to this stage.

Please be careful and safe and be prepared for what may happen. The can escalate in very difficult and different forms.

[Author]

Posts