8th October 2020 at 10:42 am #114878
Hi, I am new the forum and although I am happy to find you all I am also saddened by how many women go through abuse. I am really worried about posting too much about myself in one thread. So I will keep it short in this one.
If I ever won the lottery I would buy an island and make it a no man zone. I have been in a controlling relationship for (detail removed by moderator). Occasionally it has become physical. He controls all the finances, checks car mileage and has linked all devices to his laptop (except my phone as I set it up when I upgraded) . My kids take his side when I confront him about anything he says to me in private. He breaks down and tells the kids to look at how I am treating him! So the kids hate me and think I am the evil mum. Like their father, the kids blame for anything and everything that goes wrong.
There is a fair amount more happening but he has caught me asking for help a few years ago. Yes, I am petrified of what he could do due to his rage. I love animals and I cant just pick up and leave because of my pets, which were his idea to adopt not so long ago. Initially I thought he was being nice, but I soon realised it was a tool to trap me for longer.
I must be the most evil woman in the world because all I can think of is (detail removed by moderator) then I would be stuck forever looking after him! I loved him at one time, but now all I see when I look in the mirror is what he says I am…’a w**** or a stupid, dumb, fat, ugly, wrinkly hag!’ I dont sleep well, I’m constantly tired and my brain feels as though it may explode one day.
I want my true identity back. I want my freedom. I want to look in the mirror and see ME! Sadly, I am weak, I lack courage and confidence. At times I feel the only way out is to end myself, but I couldn’t do that to my kids or pets. I have no friends. The family say this is normal and I take things too personally. He portrays himself as the perfect husband and father to everyone. He prides himself as being classed as Mr Perfect by family and friends.
I guess I am stuck for a few more years. Sorry its not been a nice introduction. I stayed up the last two nights reading many posts. Some gave me hope, some scared me and some just made me feel as if I was no longer alone. xx
8th October 2020 at 11:12 am #114880
Hey, and welcome. Your definitely not alone. I used to pray my ex (detail removed by moderator) on his hill walking trips. And not come back so I know exactly how you feel. Trapped. Women’s aid are a fantastic organisation. There’s a national domestic abuse helpline and also you will have a local branch. I’d urge you to contact them for help. You can’t do this alone. You’re not weak. Abused women are the strongest in the world. The amount of strength it takes to survive abuse is incredible and you can turn that strength in another direction. You’re brain washed and living in a fog of abuse. Fear Obligation and Guilt. He sounds extremely controlling and your mental health will be suffering too, adding to the fog. Have you spoke to your GP? I’d definitely start there and have his abuse logged. This will help in the long run to corroborate his abuse should you need proof. It’s a slow process to escape and your kids are being brainwashed too. He’s a real nasty piece of work. Keep posting and reading other posts and take things at your own pace. I was once trapped and had decades of abuse but there is hope and that confident woman you once were is still there waiting for her day 💕
8th October 2020 at 5:53 pm #114898
Thank you for the warm welcome and advice. I almost cried reading your reply. I don’t believe anyone has spoken to me that way for many years. I was happy to read that you escaped your abuser. Bravo!
Sorry, I could not post everything I wanted to say as I have a feeling some forums are monitored by my husband. A few years ago, when my husband realised I had reached out for help, he became more paranoid. Unfortunately, I was not offered refuge unless I abandoned my pets. As for my GP, I cannot say too much without putting myself at risk of being exposed. It is similar with the police who I have lost faith in. To put it blatantly, I would would rather die than ask the police for their assistance. They have let me down a number of times.
I am not sure what the future holds for me. I can only hope it is good. xx
8th October 2020 at 6:18 pm #114899
Keep gathering knowledge. Some charities will look after your pets until you get a suitable home. There’s a pet fostering charity and hopefully your local women’s aid will have all the information you need. Keep a secret journal and please talk to your GP. Your notes are private but will help in future that you disclosed the abuse. You need to get the kids away from his brainwashing and influence too. Abusing you in front of the kids is actually child abuse. Not all police are bad. There are really good ones and those that just don’t understand. Please don’t settle for the life you have. He’s basically the playground bully. Ruling with fear. Your animals are in danger too. My ex abused my pet to hurt me. You all need to be safe So take baby steps and keep learning and gathering support behind his back. I know it’s exhausting but if I can break free then you can too x perhaps some counselling for the kids will help. Women’s aid have a feeedom programme for women and now children where it explains abuse in a language they understand x
8th October 2020 at 6:40 pm #114900gettingtiredParticipant
Hi Weak link, so sorry to hear of what you’re going through. I was the same, I think I cried when someone replied to me for the first time on here which was only about a week ago! I’m in a similar situation with pets to you. Have you been able to look for any services that can offer foster care for pets of those fleeing abuse? I’m just taking the steps to look into it. I’ve found one locally to me and it’s been so reassuring to speak to an advisor over email about the care they can provide. I really recommend having a look if you havent already. If it wasnt for my pet it would be so much easier now. And actually looking back my partner basically bullied me into us getting said pet because I was pretty hesitant. Now I regret it although I love my pet so much and couldnt face giving them up or leaving them with my partner (who has threatened in the past to hurt/kill/throw out our pet!!) It’s just awful what they put us through.
I find it shocking to read other accounts on here but also comforting hence why I thought I’d reply to you and let you know you’re not alone.
I’ve been called fat, ugly, a b***h and every other swear word going.
We will find the strength eventually and I’ve already learnt so much by joining this forum in the space of about a week. I think i read one of KIP’s replies that said knowledge is power and its really resonated with me. Take care xx
9th October 2020 at 2:05 am #114911
Thank you so much for the extra advice KIP. I will definitely start to keep a diary. At the moment my mind is everywhere and I cannot seem to focus. One minute I think, ‘that person done it and survived so I can do it.’ 5 minutes later I think about the impact on the kids and pets. Then the 101 questions start…
Would I be too scared to work incase he finds me?
Will I be financially secure?
Can I support myself mentally?
Will I be lonely?
How do I make new friends?
Should I press charges against my husband?
Am I capable of ruining his career?
What if I’m wrong about him?
Or the thoughts such as…
If I gain my freedom other people will think I am weird because I dont like talking too much.
So many mixed thoughts.
Thanks again for all the advice. xx
Hi Gettingtired, I am so sorry to hear that you are in similar circumstances as me. I have read some research on animal abuse and human abuse. Its all interlinked. But, I was still shocked when I read your reply regarding your partner threatening
your dog! I fail to understand how humans hurt eachother. My mind completely boggles when humans hurt or threaten animals. Oh that really upsets me and I can only imagine how you must feel. I wish I had the words to comfort you. Atleast you should be proud of yourself for looking into care for your dog. That is a huge step. I wish I had your courage. I completely understand what you meant about it being easier without pets. I feel the same and like you, I love them dearly.
I have not really done much calling around this time. Its been a little difficult. I have 2 elderly pets and others. One of the older one’s has a long term illness. One of my fears would be that they would die without me being there for them. I wish I could explain it better, but I was advised by the chat line to be careful about how much I revealed on the forum as my husband has already caught me once. I think he already notice that I have been behaving differently. I can tell as he starts talking to me more. As KIP said ‘baby steps.’ I will be extra vigilant this time.
Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciated it. xx
9th October 2020 at 6:24 am #114913
When you’re being abused and traumatised your head space shrinks. All your headspace is taken up with the abuse and trying to stay safe. You’re left with very little capacity to think straight, work out what’s going on, and plan ahead. That’s what’s trauma and abuse does. Once you get rid of abuse, your head space slowly opens up allowing you to tackle the questions you raise in a calm positive practical way and those concerns aren’t even an issue because without abuse you have the headspace to cope. All those concerns are what I had. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy was good for me. I’d advise you to find some good therapy from someone trained in domestic abuse. Staying and exposing your children to child abuse and his dysfunctional behaviour may feel the safest thing to do just now but really it’s the worse thing you can do but you need to work this out in your head and counselling can help you achieve that.
9th October 2020 at 9:38 am #114923BeautifuldayParticipant
Hi @weak link and welcome to the forum
You are not alone in this! I can see you’ve had some really good advice and replied from the other ladies already and I completely agree with them
Like you I felt so stuck actually still do , but like you back in June I made that first step and posted on this forum I was so nervous but just needed advice and someone to tell me yes its abuse as im so trauma bonded and can’t see reality for what it actually is.
I had so many lovely supportive replies and from posting that one post it was like a domino effect. You will find the same, it may not feel like it but with small steps one travels far as they say. Sobde then I’ve made baby steps still feeling stuck but I called my local womens aid I would highly recommend this!! They are so lovely they will chat to you for however long offer you advice support refer you to councilling if you feel you need it and offer refuge advice if you feel you need refuge.
It was the best thing I did, I was so nervous but so glad I made that call so please please try to give them a call you’ll feel stronger and they will help.
Next I would advise slowly coming up with a plan this can be just in your head but make some sort of 0lan get your ducks in a row, it doesn’t matter how long you take or if you feel your not getting anywhere believe me you are. Try to put money aside in a secret account bit by bit it all helps.
Like the other ladies suggest there are animal fostering services that will look after pets, I have 5 myself, I would email or call around your local animal shelters and even vets as they may know and find out where or who will offer this, dont let this deter you there is always a way:)
If you own your home together i would suggest getting a free 30min talk with a solicitor to discuss your options about whether you can buy him out or he can , or selling etc I did this and then she was on Stanby for when I wanted to proceed.
Again I was so nervous but this small step made me feel stronger. Knowledge is power.
Keep reading and googling terms like covert n********t, n********t, coercive control, love bombing, trauma bonding, etc I didnt know about abu of these things until I started reading and it all resonated. Keep educating yourself on these things.
Also what helped me loads is getting out of the house, if its possible for you to do so do some walking get out in the fresh air no matter what the weather it really does clear you head, makes you think straight.
Im not out yet still living with my abuser but on Wednesday I made that step to email the solicitor to file for divorce, im a nervous wreck, im sad, feel guilty etc but im allowing myself to feel all these things and feel I did the right thing. You deserve to be happy lovely.
Oh and keep a journal it was the best thing I did, keep it safe though! I dont keep mine at home, if you maybe have a locked cupboard at work or locker etc keep it there, or write it on a locked phone etc just make sure he can’t ever find it. I’ve made it for the past year and when I read back over it im.just shocked its like looking in from another person’s view, it really does give you a different viewpoint . And then when you doubt yourself keep reading over it. Date the incidents and write them however small, things he said, actions he did, how you feel, faces he pulled etc etc write everything
Giving you a big lovely you’ve got this and we are all here for you xx
9th October 2020 at 12:34 pm #114929
Thanks again KIP. You are amazing.
You sounded so happy taking the steps that you have, it actually gave me confidence. I always make small plans in my head. I even opened a secret account to save but it has been really hard. Every penny us monitored. I do not tend to go out much as according to my husband, people stare at me because of the way I look.
I own majority of the home but it is in joint names. I actually don’t want the house. Too many bad memories. I called some numbers today as I had 2 hours alone. I think I broke down. Without putting the pets in foster care I cannot be offered refuge, which I did know about but I thought I would still ask. One of my oldest pets has a longterm illness. I refuse to let him die without me. So, the helpline said they cannot move me.
Deep down I knew this may happen. The helpline provide support in other ways but at the moment I believe I am stuck in my current situation unless my brain can think of another Solution that would work.
I have definitely taken a mental note of all the advice everyone is giving. xx
9th October 2020 at 12:46 pm #114930
Try to keep an open mind. There are many animal lovers who can give your pet a temporary loving home and lots of cuddles and attention, Sometimes the stress of being around an abuser is bad for the animal. I know my ex was cruel to my pet. You’re not alone in this and your pet, like your kids need you whole and happy. You could also visit your pet if you’re careful not to let you ex know where your pet is. You’re not thinking straight at the moment x just take baby Steps x
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